Here it is
I started a new blog a couple of weeks ago about our battle against infertility. Since it is in French, nobody seemed to notice it. Not that I want to become famous or anything with this, but it's nice to know once in a while you're not only talking to yourself. So maybe English would reach out to more people, I don't know... Please bear with me, English is not my first language, though it seems to be universal in blogland...Here is our story...
More than 2 years ago, in August 2002, I stopped taking the pill. It was finally true, we were going to try to conceive! Finally, after all these years of nagging, I had convinced Mr P. But I came back down to earth quickly when I met my family doctor. She asked me to go through some blood tests and I had to get a vaccine that made me have to go back on the pill for 2 months. So in December 2002, we’re back on the TTC train! I have always been irregular (I could be many months, even a year, without my period) so we knew from the start we would not have an easy ride. But I never imagined how hard it would be, physically and emotionally. I never ever thought it would be that straining.
April 2003, after many months without my period, I go back to see my fam dr. She told me she could not give me Clomid herself and sent me to see a fertility specialist. I meet him in June. I have to start doing my chart and go through more blood work. Mr P. has to do his spermogram. All the results came back normal. But I cannot ovulate on my own. So the RE starts me on Clomid.
August 2003 chart, I take 100 mg of Clomid from CD 3 to CD7. Does not make me ovulate and I have to induce my period at CD35.
September 2003 chart, I take 150 mg of Clomid, from CD3 to CD7. Lots of hor flashes and mood swings, but no ovulation. Once again, I induce my period at CD35.
October 2003chart, my RE decides to make me try something else. I take 5 mg of Femara from CD3 to CD7. Once more, lots of hot flashes, mood swings, depressive feelings even, but no ovulation.
December 2003 chart, the RE gives me a diagnosis: polycystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS), even though my hormonal and insuline blood tests are normal. So I start taking Metformin daily, 1500 mg a day. It does not make me ovulate, but at least I have my period without having to induce it with Provera. Finally, one step ahead!
January 2004 chart, we add Femara to the Metformin. I am not very good at reading charts then, since I have never had one indicating an ovulation. So I don’t realise then that the big temp jump at CD21 is actually an ovulation. So at CD35, I once again take Provera to induce my period, but it arrives before I even finished my pills. Now I know why this happened, but back then I did not read much into it. I have had terrible cramps on my left side all month. The RE told my it was a cyst, but nothing to worry, it happens often. Allrigt... not too often for me please! That pain will come back every month from ovulation to my period.
In the meantime, we are having a big legal fight with the owner of our appartment building. We finally come to an agreement, leave the appartment (which was no longer ok to live in anyway) and go live with my father for 3 months, until we have our own house.
February 2004 chart, to the Metformin and Femara, we now add FSH injectibles, 100 iu once a day from CD7 to CD9. I have to give myself the shots, but it’s pretty easy with the special pen. I go for my first vaginal u/s on CD10. And there it is! A big fat folicle, ready to pop! We are so happy! This is our first real chance in almost 2 years! I take the hCG shot that night. We have big hopes for this cycle. But we are very disappointed when my period arrives at CD24. The meds are expensive. We do not know yet if they are covered by our insurance. But we decide to try it one more time.
March 2004 chart, same recipe. U/s on CD10, with a different dr. He seems confused, looks at the screen in silence, doesn’t know what to say. I am starting to panic, not knowing what to think. He goes out of the room, comes back 10 minutes later, telling me it’s a big cyst and I have to take 3 more days of injectibles, at 150 iu daily. I come back for another u/s on CD13 and it turns out I did not have a cyst, it was in fact a big folicle, which is now gone. I have ovulated already! I am so pissed! We have to stop the meds because of financial issues. We are shattered when my period arrives. It takes me a lot of time to get over that cycle. The fact that we are stopping the procedures is really hard for me. It seems like all the events of the last 3 months are suddenly all hitting me in the face. I am very depressed. The insurance tells us they do not cover for the injectibles. This really is a slap in the face. Not only were we under in our budget, but that meant every time we wanted to try, we would have to pay. For me, it seems like we have to give up our dream.
April to August 2004, I only take the Metformin. I have a few AF, without ovulation. I do not chart, I do not care. The insurance company finally decides the meds are covered and I get back up on my feet and hope for the best. We move in our home in June. After we are settled in, we decide to start TTC again.
August 2004 chart, I finally go back to the clinic and start the meds again. But this time, because of schedule issues, I have my u/s at CD8, after only one day of injections. The RE is very surprised to see I already have one big folicle. He tells me if this cycle does not work, next cycle we will try only with Femara. Once again, deception arrives with AF.
September 2004 chart, we try Met with Femara only. On the u/s on CD11, there’s nothing good. I am very discouraged. Another cycle goes to waste! I tell my dr: “I have some FSH left at home. If I don’t take it now, I’m gonna have to throw it out anyway. So why not try it, we have nothing to lose.” He says yes and gives me some hope. On CD16, the u/s shows one big egg. And my chart looks very good, it goes up a lot and stays up for 14 days. I am so full of hopes, asking myself millions of questions. I even take an HPT on 14 DPO. It comes out negative. And my period arrives with a bang on 15 DPO.
October 2004 chart, I call my RE and ask him for a hysterosalpinogram. Since I can’t reach him in time, I start my Femara anyway. I do the HSG on CD12. It hurts like hell, but at least my tubes are all clear. My dr tells me to take a break from TTC for this cycle. Next cycle, we will take higher doses of injectibles. As much as I don’t like losing time taking a break, I think it is best for us to relax a little from the whole TTC madness. Of course, it’s always on my mind. I keep charting and everyday I’m telling myself “I could be ovulating today.” On CD23, I feel a twinge in my left side and my breasts are sensitive. I assume AF is coming and I will be back in the game pretty soon. But my temp goes up on CD26. Weird... Then still up on CD27, CD28... Well, looks like I ovulated! That’s great! I did not have lots of hope for that cycle though, because of our bad timing. At 10 DPO, I start to feel some weird pulling in my belly. I’m thinking AF is coming, but at the same time, a little voice in my head is telling me “you know it’s different, you can feel it!” I have fooled myself so many times with false symptoms and false hopes. I don’t want to de fooled once more by my imagination. So I try to ignore what I’m feeling. But it’s hard. I am feeling tired, dizzy as if I was drunk, my belly feels weird and my breasts are really sore. I want to test right away, but Mr P. convinces me to wait some more. He is very afraid I will be crushed if it turns out negative. On 15 DPO, I even wear protection because I am sure AF will show up. I keep going to the bathroom, looking for color on the toilet paper. Nothing. We buy a test for the next morning. I barely sleep, tossing and turning, nauseous and hot. Morning finally comes. I take my temp (still up!) and run to the bathroom to pee on a stick. Mr P. is in the shower. I pull the curtain. Do you see the line, hun? I see it, do you? Do you??! He looks at me, confused, thinking I must be crazy. “I see a line, he says, but it’s really pale. What does this mean?” I show him the box. Show him the test again. Show him the box one more time. Look at the box. Look at the test. There is a second line love, there is, I see it clearly now! Honey, there it is! I’m pregnant!!!
So on December 1st, 2004, I get my first BFP ever. It snowing silently outside, the first snow of the winter. It is such a beautiful day. My love’s eyes are sparkling, my belly is weird and I’m in heaven! I wait a couple of hours to call 2 of my friends to tell them. Their screams of joy make my heart burst with happiness. I call my RE to get my first pg appointment. This is it, he does not see me for fertility now, but for maternity! It feels too good to be true! I can’t stop touching my belly, talking to the small being iside it. I keep looking at my positive test, just to remind myself that it is true. After 2 years of trials and errors, our dream is finally coming true.
The following days are made of pure happiness. I’m extatic, Mr P. is too. He tells me he’s happy, he tells me I’m beautiful, he caresses my belly asking me if it is really true. I know he’s afraid we lose it. I am too. But my happiness seems too grand to be shattered. But we decide not to tell anyone, at least not until my first appointment.
On the morning of December 6, 2004, I wake up with a bad feeling. I feel as if I am no longer pregnant. I get up and my pants are wet. I run to the bathroom, to discover brown spotting. Oh no! Please no! I know spotting happens, without always being a miscarriage. I go to the bathroom every 5 minutes to see if everything is ok. But the spotting quickly becomes heavy bleeding. I call Mr P., crying. He’s coming home. I scream, I cry, I am completely crushed. I know it’s over, I feel it. We go to the hospital only to get it confirmed: I lost the baby.
I had to wait one complete cycle before TTC again. chart Since I did not take any meds, it was a very long cycle. I had 8 days of brownish spotting in the middle, but no AF. I induced it with Provera, once more. And we were back in the game on January 16, 2005.
posted by Kiwi at
10:03 AM
3 comment(s):
Hi Kiwi,
I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. You have already been through so much! I'm sending you happy pregnant thoughts.
By
Sasha@Pw, at
12:20 PM
Thank you very much for the nice words.
Oh and thanks for letting me know I'm not talking to myself. ;)
By
Kiwi, at
2:45 PM
Hi! Kiwi,
I feel ur sorrow and pain. I'm too on that boat of having irregular periods. Yes, sometime once a yr or not at all unless I'm put on Provera. It really suck, that we can not just get pregnant like most other people can. But on the bright side we have specialty train docs that can help. Luckily, in March of 2003 I got pregnant with my first try on clomid,now my daughter is two, and we're ready for another one. Maybe I'll call my OBGYN after Dec. to shedule the whole thing all over again.
By
Anonymous, at
2:55 PM
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