Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Monday, March 21, 2005

The bean that would have been

If I had not lost my little bean, I would be 20 weeks pregnant today. We would be half-way there. I know I should not go back in time so often. I know I should not have regrets for something that was out of our control. But I can't help living two seperate lives: my own boring and infertile life and the one where our little bean would have stayed in my belly and grown. In that life, I maybe would have a belly. Our friends and families would know we were expecting and be very happy for us. I would be buying some maternity clothes for the summer. Maybe even a two-piece swimsuit if I dared. We would be thinking about painting the office and changing it into a baby room. Maybe we would know the sex of the baby and even would have already picked up the name. And later in the summer, I would have gone swimming in the lake with my big round belly, like a whale. I would have made a huge surpise to the girls I work with only every 6 months and whom I saw last a week before the bfp. We would have celebrated my birthday, our anniversary and his birthday with our child growing in me. I would have had a baby in my arms at my brother's wedding. We would have been parents.

I cannot keep living this parallel life. It hurts too much. I know I will always be living this imaginary life with a baby that will never be in a certain way, in my heart. Our life will be filled with milestones that would have been: its birth, its first Christmas, its first birthday, its 10th, 20th... I have to let go, I have to kiss it goodbye and keep on looking forward. I know I will never forget my little bean. It will keep living in my heart. Just not the way I had planned.

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