We're not that dumb
I knew, when I learned I was pregnant, that I would be facing all sorts of comments beginning with "oh you'll see..." and "just a little advice..." I knew people would want to share their knowledge and educate us, poor little childless couple. During my years of infertility, I heard too many "you're so lucky not to have kids!" For years I was told, indirectly, that I knew nothing if I didn't have kids.Alright, I KNOW there are lots of things I don't know. I know we won't learn these things before living them. I also know people mean no harm, they only want to share their experience, believing they are being helpful. I hate the way they make me feel though, when they want to help. I feel so stupid and ignorant because there are so many things I still don't know. Alright I get it, you are so much more intelligent and bigger than I am because you have kids. People often forget they once were in our shoes.
When we started trying, I knew next to nothing about conception and fertility. It wasn't long before I was reading all I could find on the net and at the library, asking questions, searching anwers and learning so much stuff. I've never been ashamed of saying I didn't know something. I have faced a lot of ignorance and insensibility during those years, but I was also friend with a few supportive people who respected me. Things have not changed because I am now pregnant. I am still friend with these people and I still can read and search the internet. Many of my friends have kids and are now very happy to answer my numerous questions. Yes, I do ask a lot of questions, because, let's face it, I know nothing about babies. I'm not ashamed of asking or searching. With them, I don't feel dumb for not knowing certain things and my friends are really respectful and patient.
But there are certain people who believe it it their duty to educate us. There's nothing I hate more than unsollicited assvice. If I don't ask, I don't need it. Sometimes I feel people don't trust our intelligence. Oh, they never had kids, how could they know? they say. I know perfectly well there are tons of things I still don't know, and I'm fine with the idea or learning them as we go, by ourselves. I appreciate my friends' help when I ask for it. But to be told "you should do this and that" without asking, I don't appreciate at all. I didn't when it had to do with conception, I still don't now that it has to do with parenting.
My mother, for example, really doesn't trust us. We bought our stroller and car seat and she asked us a thousand times if we were sure the baby would be safe. The kit is new. We spent 20 minutes talking with police officers about child safety in cars, asking questions and reading flyers. We compared models, asked around, searched the internet. Are we that dumb that we're not able to buy a good safe car seat for our baby? It's not because it has changed since 25 years that it's no longer safe, mom.
Another example. A friend of mine has 2 kids, both going to school now. They never wore cotton diapers, but she takes the time to tell me about how much a hassle they are, how much time I will lose cleaning them and all that. Tell me, what credibility does she have on the subject, compared to those other moms I talked to, who actually used the cotton diapers and are satisfied? I read about all this, I asked a friend to tell me everything about it since she is using them at the moment. I don't need the unsollicited opinion of a mom who never used them.
This might be our first kid, my might still be amateurs in the subject of parenting, but I'm pretty sure we are still able to use our heads to make the right decisions.
I know people mean no harm, exactly like when they told us to relax to get pregnant. The intention is good, the message isn't.
posted by Kiwi at
3:43 PM
2 comment(s):
Advice of that nature is crappy no matter the subject, but people will always do it, because people love to stick their noses in other people's business. It's a rule or something.
By
Jay, at
8:50 AM
And the wonderful term of "Assvice" was born. Honey, I guess we should be used to the ignorant comment by now. People will be sent to try us at all stages! I think women are serial offenders, why can't girls just shut the fuck up? You keep on asking questions. Knowledge is power & we should know. All Women (and Men!) are clueless about babies before parenthood.We were clueless about Men as teenagers. Clueless about sex, putting on make-up, blow drying hair & driving. You have to learn as you go. When the next onslaught of assvice presents itself just breathe..In..Out..rub your belly then Nod & Smile through gritted teeth.
By
Mony, at
7:33 PM
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