Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Monday, September 19, 2005


I'm gonna spend one hour in a pool with pregnant women tonight. One hour with fertile pregnant women. I don't know these women, I don't know what they have been through. But statistically, in the 12 women there, ther might only be one other infertile besides me. So, I'm gonna be swimming with fertiles.

I hate the way I feel when I'm with them. I feel like I'm not good enough, or not as special as I would think. Because I did not succeed on the first try, because I cannot simply jump and laugh whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement, I feel different. I may be stronger, more aware of the chance I have to be pregnant now, but it doesn't matter. Noone knows. That it took us 3 years to get here, that it took so many pills and appointments, that we had to go through all that pain, rage and jalousy, it doesn't change anything to the result: I am pregnant, as they are. For them, I'm one of them. For me, I'm a minority.

What I don't like about their presence is their way of seeing life through pink tinted glasses, their way of only knowing the nice side of reproduction. I envy that, I wish I still had that naivety and ease to beleive everything's done and good as soon as the hpt's positive. I don't think they'll say insensitive things that would make that sleeping enraged infertile in me go nuts. But I'll be on the lookout, just in case.

But besides that, I'm looking forward to tonight. I'm looking forward to doing something only for Pépin and me. I'm looking forward to live this mom-to-be experience.

Tonight, we're gonna be 12 whales floating, our bellies coming out of the water like little icebergs. And I'm gonna be one of them, even if for only one hour.

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