Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Hope and naivety

When you’re at the point in your life where you are about to start TTC, you are very naïve. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean you are innocent, pure and full of hope. Nothing has tainted your beautiful dream yet. The world is before you, beautiful and promising.

Oh how I miss those times! Can’t remember how it felt like when we thought making a baby meant making love. Can’t belive I once thought it would work right away. And I can’t believe I thought I had any control in this. Those were good times indeed.

Since then, I have lost all my innocence and naivety. And I have almost lost all of my hope too. Of course, I won’t give up on my dream of becoming a mom. There’s no way I would give that up, I don’t think I ever could. But I have given up on many illusions I had built up for myself when we started TTC. I know perfectly well we won’t be able to conceive by simply making love. I know getting pregnant on the first try is not meant for us. And I very well know now I have no control in this.

After the first month TTC, when your first period arrives, you’re sad and disappointed. But life goes on and you still have lots of hopes for the next cycle. Hey, it was just a cycle to practice, right? Right... When your second cycle ends up with a period, you’re still facing the same disappointment. But when your period disappears for several months and you find yourself doing lots of tests and taking meds, the story changes. I think I lost my innocence when I did the bloodwork. It was true then. We would not be parents easily. As the months passed by, I had less and less naivety and hope. When I finally saw that second line on the test, all of my innocence and naivety and hope of the beginning came back to me. I was once again naïve and innocent and hopeful. I once again believed in miracles. I knew full well the risks of miscarriage I was facing. But I couldn’t care. Our happiness was much too big to be broken. We were invincible! But even Superman has a weakness... When I lost my baby, all the innocence, the naivety and the hope left in a heartbeat. And they never came back. Since that day, I am completely disillusioned. I still believe we will one day be parents. But I believe less and less everyday that I will carry our baby. I still believe we will have a child in our lives and we will love him/her with all our hearts. I might not give birth to that child though.

We have started talking about adoption. Nothing serious, but we’re thinking about it. We are still thinking about it as being our backup plan. But it feels very good thinking there is still something out there for us to try. It feels good thinking it does not have to end when we decide to stop trying with meds and IUIs. We still want to try for a couple of years, unless my RE tells us there’s no way we’re going to conceive again. The thought of welcoming a baby that only wants to be loved in our lives is not as scary as it was befre. It even warms my heart when I think about it. I know I am not ready yet. But I know I will be, one day. And even if we success in getting a baby of our own, I think we will still consider adoption.

I have given up many dreams in my life. I wanted to become a mom before I turned 25. I even wanted 3 children before I turned 30. I guess I’ll have to give up that one too. But there’s one dream I will never give up. We will one day become parents. May the child come from me or from another country, we will be parents. That, I believe. There may be some naivety left in me after all...

1 comment(s):

Dream big, Kiwi. But don't be afraid to cry.

Praying for a baby for you.

Hugs,

Jen

By Blogger JennyLynn, at 10:17 AM  

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