A battle inside of me
I did another test this morning. I think I need lots of confirmation and reassurance this time around. It was positive, beautiful, full of hope.
I am so happy, so extatic and bursting with joy. Lalala! But still, I feel very afraid, very "I'm gonna wake up and know it's just a dream", very disappointed at the same time that we are not jumping up and down and dancing to the sound of birds singing. I know it's normal for us to be afraid. I am happy, I trully am. But I just can't seem to let myself completely believe in this. Not yet. I don't take it for granted anymore. I know the odds, I know the possibilities, I know I should stay positive and enjoy every second I have with this little kiwi seed. But there's this demon inside of me telling me "wha-ah-ah! (evil laugh) You know you're not worthy and I will take this one from you as I did the one before!" How can I make it shut the hell up? How can I be happy about this pregnancy and enjoy it without expecting the worse? Am I really protecting myself when I'm thinking I could lose it? Will I be less devastated if it happens if I think about it before? I don't think so. The pain will be the same. So come on Kiwi, be happy! Keep thinking positive, it got you so far!
posted by Kiwi at
7:40 AM
4 comment(s):
What a beautiful second line! It's only normal for you to feel cautious, but as time goes by you'll feel more confident and enjoy your kiwi seed!
By
erinberry, at
8:50 AM
That is a beautiful line Kiwi!!!!
By
Anonymous, at
8:30 PM
Congratulations...this is wonderful news! I know so well the feeling that you describe. Julianna ( http://myeggsarecooked.wired-hub.com/ ) blogged about living in the moment - that entry greatly helped me. I'll be hoping great things for you and your kiwi seed.
By
Sandy, at
7:53 AM
totally normal to feel scared. i would too. But still YAY!
By
Lala, at
7:19 PM
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