Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Saturday, May 21, 2005

A battle inside of me

I did another test this morning. I think I need lots of confirmation and reassurance this time around. It was positive, beautiful, full of hope.
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I am so happy, so extatic and bursting with joy. Lalala! But still, I feel very afraid, very "I'm gonna wake up and know it's just a dream", very disappointed at the same time that we are not jumping up and down and dancing to the sound of birds singing. I know it's normal for us to be afraid. I am happy, I trully am. But I just can't seem to let myself completely believe in this. Not yet. I don't take it for granted anymore. I know the odds, I know the possibilities, I know I should stay positive and enjoy every second I have with this little kiwi seed. But there's this demon inside of me telling me "wha-ah-ah! (evil laugh) You know you're not worthy and I will take this one from you as I did the one before!" How can I make it shut the hell up? How can I be happy about this pregnancy and enjoy it without expecting the worse? Am I really protecting myself when I'm thinking I could lose it? Will I be less devastated if it happens if I think about it before? I don't think so. The pain will be the same. So come on Kiwi, be happy! Keep thinking positive, it got you so far!

4 comment(s):

What a beautiful second line! It's only normal for you to feel cautious, but as time goes by you'll feel more confident and enjoy your kiwi seed!

By Blogger erinberry, at 8:50 AM  

That is a beautiful line Kiwi!!!!

By Anonymous Lisa, at 8:30 PM  

Congratulations...this is wonderful news! I know so well the feeling that you describe. Julianna ( ) blogged about living in the moment - that entry greatly helped me. I'll be hoping great things for you and your kiwi seed.

By Blogger Sandy, at 7:53 AM  

totally normal to feel scared. i would too. But still YAY!

By Blogger Lala, at 7:19 PM  

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