Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Go Team Infertile!

So, Uchenna and Joyce won the Amazing Race! P and I were crying like idiots when Uchenna yelled "We're going for a baby! In vitro, here we come!" I am so happy for them, they deserve the million dollars and I hope it helps them fulfill their dream of becoming parents.

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Some time ago, I used to be a positive person. I always tried to find the silverlining in every situation. Of course I was disappointed and I cried everytime I got my period or a treatment failed. But I would pick myself up quickly and get on with trying. I had a good attitude and I was enjoying life. Up until the miscarriage. My positivity and optimism got hit hard. I had a really hard time picking up the pieces, putting them back together and getting back on my feet. I know something inside me is forever broken. I know I will never be able to be as positive and hopeful as I was in the beginning. Things have changed. I have changed.

But is it a good enough reason to let myself see everything darker than it really is? I have come to realise lately that I have become rather negative in many aspects of my life. I want that to change. I don't want to get my hopes up and imagine things and fall from high, that's why I am always expecting the worse. It's self-defense. But, come to think of it, even if I tell myself a thousand times it's not gonna work, nothing will shut the little voice up inside my head that's telling me "but you know it could also work! It only takes one time!" After all, if I did not have a tinsy tiny bit of hope left, why would I still be doing this? Why would we keep on trying if we did not believe in it at all anymore? So, instead of trying to shush it, I am going to try and listen to this little hope-filled voice. I am not gonna imagine any symptom or make myself believe I am pregnant when I am not. But I can still stay positive and keep hoping. It doesn't have to be all black or all white. I can find some balance between reality and false hopes.

I will not be less disappointed if I hope, I know that now. Being negative has never made the deception hurt less or the injustice taste less bitter, at least for me. If I hope or not, the result is the same and the pain feels the same. So why deprive myself of what positivity I have left? I have had a battle between my down-to-earth side and my positive and hopeful side for a long time now. So, without ever forgetting reality, I have decided to listen to my positive side, for the moment. I still want to believe. I still want to believe we will one day become parents.

So the good side of this cycle, no matter how it ends? I have ovulated on CD20 for the second cycle in a row, taking Metformin and Femara only. For the first time in almost 3 years, I have ovulated twice, under the same circumstances. I have some kind of regularity for the first time in my life. For me, it's a big deal. What does it mean? Maybe I don't need injects as much as we thought. If the ovarian drilling does not give us the results we're hoping for, (back off, evil eye!) and we decide not to continue the injects and IUI cycles, at least we now have some kind of backup plan. It may not be as efficient as the other treatments, but the fact that it would not require as much monitoring and dildocam sessions as the more invasive cycles, that scores big points with me.

So, here I am, cheering for my team, hoping for the best while still expecting the worse, but not focusing on it anymore.

2 comment(s):

I was so happy for Uchenna and Joyce too. I'm glad that a nice, deserving couple won the money.

Recognizing your shortcomings is already a positive thing. I'm sure you'll have much more light where that came from. Stay strong.

By Blogger Jay, at 9:37 PM  

Kiwi - Looks like you have found your equilibrium and are stabilizing. That's great. Staying positive no matter what is the only way to go about it. There will be sad days but hopefully they will be few and far between.

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 9:52 PM  

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