Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

A friend

When we first started TTC, all of our friends knew nothing about infertility. I had nobody “like me” to talk to. So I turned to the internet. I found a forum where some girls were struggling with different kinds of infertility. I found support and friendship where I never thought would be possible. That forum not being only about IF, I also met many women with no IF problems at all. I made some real friends, whom I met in person at gatherings. Some girls I even saw many times after that, on our own, as friends, not only as forum members. One of them, I grew very close to and we used to talk to each other everyday on MSN. She is very supportive, very sensitive to what we are dealing with. She does not really understand it, because she has had 2 kids while we were TTC. But she respects me and is interested in what I have to say. I do not talk a lot about all this. The morning I got my positive hpt, I called my good friend M and then I called this friend, L. They are the 2 persons I know who would be there for me anytime.

L gave birth to her second child 2 weeks ago. I swallowed my infertile bitterness and went to see her at the hospital. She had a rough labor and her baby boy was in bad shape when we saw him. My heart went out to her and her family. She is having a hard time still. I don’t talk to her as often now. She’s very busy with the 2 children, her boyfriend not being able to take much time off from work and trying to get better after a hard c-section. I don’t expect any support from her now, I know she has a lot on her mind. I don’t ask anything of her. I know she thinks about me and wishes me all the best. I miss her, but I understand and won’t hold it against her. But I can't just call her and talk to her. If I talk about me, I would be selfish. If I talk about her, this would mean talking about labor, babies and breastfeeding and I am not strong enough to do that. I also have nothing to say about that, since I am such a dummy when it comes to babies.

What makes me sad is I have the feeling I just lost a good friend. Not that I think she will not still be my friend when everything comes back to normal. But things will never be the same. When she had only one kid, she would still have time to talk, to do stuff, to go out to lunch. But now, with 2 kids, she won’t be able to take as much time for herself as she used to. There won’t be any place for me and my infertility rants. I don’t blame her, I’m just sad about it... I will miss her and I don’t think I’ll be able to find someone as supportive and as sensitive as her for the wreck I sometimes am.

Maybe I am just paranoiac. Maybe I’m seeing things darker than they really are. Maybe it’s the Femara demon finally kicking in. Maybe I am jealous (oh dear god! not me!). Maybe I just can’t stand the thought of being friends with an ubber-fertile. I don’t know what it is exactly that’s making me feel so sad and uneasy. I don’t know why today, I can’t stop thinking about that. I feel stupid and childish.

Stupid hormones playing with my head again!

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