Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Family

I have two brothers, I’m the middle child. They both always had it easier than me. Approval from my parents, school results, friends, they always got their way. I’ve had to fight all my life. I was good in school, but I had to study very hard to get results not nearly as good as theirs, which they had without even opening a book. My parents gave me no rights. I was a girl, I was a rebel, so I had no freedom and most of all, no trust. I’ve always had a terrible relation with my mother, until we both moved out of the house and saw each other not very often. Now we get along ok. I am not close to my family, not at all. Of course I love them, but the less I see them, the better I feel about myself. I’ve never felt free to be myself when around them. So obviously, noone knows about our infertility and stuff.

For so long, I have done my best to prove to my parents I was as worhty of their pride as my brothers. I may not be as good in maths and science, but I am way more mature and self-sufficient. I may not be as friendly and cool, but I have a whole lot of creativity and smartness. I always felt I had to give double the efforts to get the same result they did. When I left home, I was very proud to be the first one to do so. For once, I was the first in something, no matter what it was. I was the first one free, with my diploma and my job, my appartment and my boyfriend. I wanted them to be proud of me. If they were, they never told me.

Today, both my brothers have a girlfriend, a job and an apparment. I have been full-time self-employed for 5 years now and I know somehow my parents are proud of me. Not because they told me so, but because I have succeeded in convincing myself they are. I was the first to buy a house. That was something big for me, a huge accomplishment. It meant I had success with my carreer and my relationship. It meant I did good in life. My big brother is getting married this summer. He will be the first to get married. I don’t care, we don’t want to get married, it’s not for us. But a first place I lust for, is to be the first one to give my parents a grand-child. My brothers don’t have kids yet and from what they say, it won’t be soon. Even if it’s a relief for me to know that, I am always afraid of the oops-babies. Whenever one of my brothers tells us “we should have dinner soon all of us” I always expect the worse (the worse for me, not for them, of course). I build up scenes in my head where one of them (or both, the nightmare!) makes the big announcement he’s gonna be a dad. I picture myself trying to smile and congratulate them while all I can hear and feel is my heart shattering to pieces. I am very afraid of that day. I am very afraid of seing everybody but me get pregnant. I know it’s stupid and childish to be so competitive still with my brothers. But I still feel the same pressure, the same expectations from my parents. I still feel like I did in highschool, unsure and unworthy of their pride. I still feel like a failure to their eyes.

Friends around us are having children. Some have had two since we started TTC. Yes, it hurts. But it’s not the same. My parents still have no grand-children. There is still that first place to win.

P has only one younger brother. And his parents are like mine, they do not see what he is really worth. They underestimate him and criticize him and make him feel so bad whenever he sees them. When we bought a house, P was so pround and felt so good to see that his parents finally recognized some good in him. But his brother quickly stole his thunder when he bought a house too. Not that I want P’s parents to worship him, no, but it’s nice once in a while to have some attention. My SIL has always had things easy, kinda like my brothers, but with lots of money. Everything came to her on a silver plater. She never had to struggle for anything. And the mere thought of her getting pregnant before me makes me sick to my stomach. I would rather see my two brothers have kids before me than her. I don’t wish she never has kids. I just wish she has them after us. At Christmas, she told us they would start TTC in a year or two. I thought “good, we still have time.” But I never forget the possibility (except for us!) of an oops-baby.

Last Sunday, we had breakfast with the IL. When my SIL arrived, she told us she would not kiss us because she was sick. She said “I threw up this morning.” and my BIL said “It must be something she ate, because I’m feeling fine.” I may not be normal, I don’t know, but the first thing that came to my mind was “well there you have it! She’s pregnant!” She works with kids and is sick all the time. But when she ordered a big glass of milk with her breakfast, a thing she never does, that sealed the deal. Of course they didn’t say anything. They just left us there, our imagination running wild, expecting the worse and biting our nails until they make the big announcement. I’m so sure this is it, I could bet that in a couple of weeks they’re gonna tell us they’re gonna be parents. I have to be ready. I have to practice my surpised and happy look. I have to sound sincere. I need to choose my words carefully and learn them. I’ll even write them in my had so I don’t forget what to say. If I don’t, I’ll probably say what’s really on my mind and gees, you wouldn’t want that.

I was frustrated and pissed when that happened. What better timing than CD1 for that kind of story? I now know what people mean when they say SIL are there to create havoc. Maybe I’m imagining things. Maybe I jump too fast to conclusions. Maybe I got it all wrong. I sure hope so. Maybe my SIL really was sick (but for god’s sake, who orders a glass of milk after throwing up?). Maybe I am too obsessed with my own infertility that I turn everything around my empty uterus.

I have to realize that one day or an other, someone close to us is going to break our heart with what’s supposed to be the best news of their life. We have to realize we are not gonna have kids before anybody in our family. And we’re gonna have to be happy for them and try not to put our failure and our sadness before their happiness. Maybe it’s self-centered to be thinking this. But then again, I don’t think it’s self-centered to wish to have what others have. It’s not self-centered to hope to live that kind of miracle too. It’s not self-centered to spite my SIL for what my heart is telling me is the truth. It’s self-defense.

1 comment(s):

Kiwi,

Oh my gosh, I feel like I just read something I wrote! I feel just like you. Everytime we get together with my SIL, I'm dreading "the news". Whenever they invite us to go out to dinner, I fear the worse, that they'll get pregnant before us. Or whenever we are all together and she won't drink alcohol I think "oh no!" Just wanted to let you know you're not the only one, far from it. I too have been practicing that happy congratualtions that may have to be faked. Ugh, it tears me up inside just thinking about it. I have been trying to work through it but haven't been successful yet.

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 5:40 PM  

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