Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Girls night out

So I went out with some friends yesterday. M, who knows everything about our TTC struggle, and K and N who know only that we are TTC because I must have told them when we first started and were still naive enough to think it would happen soon. And the funny thing is, M has 2 kids, both conceived on the first month trying. K and N have no kids still, they are not trying yet. M asked me, before the dinner, if I wanted to talk about it or not. I told her I'd rather not. K and N don't know anything about the last year and a half our our life, so they ignore everything concerning treatments, injects, u/s, the miscarriage, the hard times and painful decisions.

Of course, since we all went to highschool together, we had to talk about people we knew back then and where they are today. I had nothing to say there, I'm not speaking to anybody from highschool except those girls. But they had a lot to say. I had the pleasure to hear about a dozen pregnancy announcments and births and kids and all that crap. I even had the privilege to hear about that woman whom I don't know. She fell in love, they tried to have a baby. After 4 years TTC and fertility treatments, she got pregnant. The guy got freaked out and left her. She thought she would never be able to raise the kid on her own, so she got an abortion and learned she was carrying twins. What an horrible, horrible story. Why on earth would someone tell me that story? What am I supposed to gain from that? I'm still feeling sick just thinking about it.

When the spotlight came to me and they asked me where we were at, I simply kindly said "we're still at the same point. I don't want to talk about it if you don't mind." They seemed to understand and respect that. But the conversation went quickly back to pregnancy, children and family. I thought my uneasy look and my lack of participation to those conversations were clear enough signs that I wished to change the subject. Man, we have not seen each other for more than a year and this is what we have to talk about? Other people's kids? I was bummed that I could not escape the infertility world for just one night. I still felt alone and small and a failure.

Sincerely, I don't care about the morning sickness of this girl and the name that girl has picked out. I don't give a damn about the imminent birth of that girl's baby and that this other girl finally got pregnant the month she decided to LET GO (oh. my. god). I don't care about these people that are no longer in my life, that have not been for more than 10 years. I do not wish them any harm. I just hope I would know nothing about their happiness. What you don't know don't hurt you, right?

I don't need to be told not to give up. I certainly don't need to know it worked for you sister's haidresser. I don't need pity. I just need and want respect and sensitivity. I'm not asking people who know nothing about our TTC battle to be kind to me. They cannot be sensible to something they don't know exists. But I am expecting a minimum of sensitivity and respect from my friends who know we are having a hard time. I have said this before, it is so unbelievable how people can forget what we tell them when they don't know what to do with the info. I am not asking them to tell me what to do or to give me assvice. I don't even expect them to say anything, because there isn't much they can say. I just want them NOT to say certain things, that's all.

On the drive back with M, she asked me "Were you as sick as me of all that baby talk?" Thank god I have you M.

2 comment(s):

Kiwi,

I'm sorry your friends couldn't talk about other things. I know you were hoping to "get away" from all the baby talk. It's good you have a friend like M that understands even though she may not have been through the same experiences.

I think that because we're in that age group where kids are what's happening, it's even harder to avoid the talk about them.

Hopefully next time you all get together it will go the way you want. Who knows, maybe you'll be pregnant then and will WANT to talk about babies! :)

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 8:22 PM  

Argh - So sorry the conversation went that way. Some people just can't take a hint!!

By Blogger erinberry, at 5:57 PM  

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