Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Mother's Day

I don't want to insult the moms or moms-to-be. In no way do I want to take away what they are, do and give daily. I know Mother's Day is there to highlight the work these women do, without pay, everyday. I know it's there for lots of extraordinary women all around the world. I know it's there so I can say thanks to my mom and I love you to my grandma. The problem is, I don't feel like saying those things.

I never had a good relationship with my mother. Right now, it's average. We get along, nothing more. I really am not close to her but I can talk to her in a civilized manner, even, sometimes, with a little warmth. My grandma did not raise me, but found a way to criticize me all my life (and not just me, she treats everybody with condescendance and jealousy). She is now doing better though, she now thinks a little before judging. I don't feel accepted and welcome to be myself when I'm around them. If I wanted their inconditionnal love, I would have to be someone else, someone better. I stopped that a couple of years ago, I was getting sick of being someone I am not. Now I just listen to their mean comments, smile and nod and go on with MY life.

They're all coming for dinner tonight. I can already hear my mother's comments on everything I do (I told you to add compost to your garden! You paid too much for your car. Are you STILL not pregnant??!) She can't help it. If what she said was true, I would never do anything right. But I know better. I know I do a lot of things right and that, at my age, I don't need her approval and her pride. Would be nice, but I can live without it.

I'm not sure if Mother's Day is to celebrate her whole life as a mother, or the mother she was when I was a child, or the one she is now. I can't say she's been a bad mother. But I can't say she's been a good one either. She made a lot of mistakes, she treated me like crap, she always made fun of me and criticized everything I did. She always thought she was better than me. A bad mother? Maybe, but... There was always food on the table, she came to every ballet recital, every hockey game and graduations. She was mean, but she was also nice, when it counted. But then again, what do I know? After all, I don't know what it is to be a mother.

I hate Mother's Day, more and more each year. For weeks, we see pictures of babies, of glorified motherhood and cheesy Hallmark phrases everywhere. For weeks, all the infertile women struggling to make their dream come true are reminded, once again, that they are not in the click, that they don't KNOW what it is.

I'm not sure what to celebrate tonight. Is it the non-existent relationship with my mother? The one with my grandma? Is it the fact that I inherited their stupid critism? Is it the fact that I am not a mother? Or that I believe less and less that I will one day becomre one? Is it the fact that everything around me seems to remind me, all the time, that I am infertile? Is it the way that I become more and more distant from my friends with children because I just don't know what to say to them? I don't feel like celebrating at all. I don't feel like highlighting the greatness and magnifiscence of motherhood.

When is Infertile's Day anyway?

1 comment(s):

Amen, when is Infertiles Day?

Dear Kiwi, I completely understand your situation. My mother was pretty bad to me growing up but she did provide me the basics. She never came to any of my school events though. Luckily I live 1,300 miles away from her, so that's my saving grace. Every Mother's Day sucks. I just sent her a card (nothing mushy) and gave her a call. I don't feel like I should do anymore than that.

Know you're not alone hon. I hope things went okay tonight. Post an update about the evening. Take care!

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 11:09 PM  

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