Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

My kiwi seed

It's time for a little update... I have done several other tests, being the stubborn unbeliever that I am, and they all came out positive. So alright, alright, I get it! Can't blame me for wanting to make sure! I have not been feeling anything bad in the last few days. I am very tired and my boobs hurt like hell, heartburn, constipation and pulling feelings, nothing bothers me at this point. Bring it on! I waited so long for this little seed inside of me, I am willing to take anything, as long as it means a healthy baby at the end.

I am still anxious and scared. I try to see the positive side of things and I try my best to live in the moment. But I can't forget how devastated I was last December when I miscarried. I can live another miscarriage, physically. But emotionnally, I'm not so sure. It took a long time for me to get back on my feet after that loss. I lost many things that day. And I don't want to live that ever ever again. I will try and carpe diem, but give me some time.

It feels weird, having to change how I've been thinking for years. I no longer have to think about any ttc stuff, like is this treatment going to work? What if it doesn't, what are we going to try next? How long are we willing to go on like this? Oh shoot, I took my temp too late this morning. Ooooh! oooh! eggwhite! Honeeeeeey!!!!! It feels weird having to change all my old habits. I still have to remind myself once in a while that I am pregnant now, that I am now a mom-to-be, not a mom-wanna-be. It's hard, really. It feels strange, it's not me. It's kinda like changing the color of your eyes suddenly. You never really noticed your brown eyes before. But now that they're blue, you jump a little when you see yourself in the mirror and think "oh... right!" When I find myself in some old infertile habits, I have to stop and tell myself that it's going to have to change sometime soon.

I will never consider myself being a ex-infertile. I will always be an infertile, it's what I am, what we are as a couple. It's part of us now. Like the borg, it assimilated us
(wow! how geek am I!). The conclusion of the journey does not erase the journey itself. The pain may become less and less sharp in time, but the scar will always remain. I know a lot of infertile women don't like reading about pregnancy and stuff. I totally understand, I've been there for a long time. I still have difficulties hearing (reading) about oops babies and first-month-ttc-babies. I still feel frustrated when crack-heads give birth to twins while wonderful women struggle just to have one. My heart will always go out to these women, whatever the path they take to reach their goal. But as becoming a mom has been my goal and the reason why we went through all that shit, I can't just ignore it. I want to talk about it, from my perspective. I'm sorry if I lose some readers by doing so, but I want to write about my kiwi seed and how I feel about it. I want to share my fears and my doubts, as I have always done. But I also want to share my hopes and my joys, which will be new to me.

We may have won one battle, but until I hold my baby in my arms, I won't consider this war over.

4 comment(s):

It's only natural that you want to talk about the little kiwi seed! You deserve it, don't worry about it. I'm still on my journey but I read all kinds of pregnant bloggers who have struggled with IF, it gives me HOPE. Congratualtions and I look forward to hearing all about the little one!

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 12:06 AM  

Glad to see an update on you and Kiwi. I think being anxious and scared are a very unfortunate reality once you've had a loss, but I still hope and pray that you will be able to treasure every moment with this little one!

By Blogger Sandy, at 1:02 PM  

oooooh, ooooh, must catch up! Sounds promising!! YAY!

By Blogger Lala, at 7:17 PM  

ok, am caught up, how far along then? Four weeks? Do tell, do tell!

By Blogger Lala, at 7:21 PM  

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