I feel stupid
Two weeks ago, I had some bleeding. I thought my period was back, and that almost made me happy. Because before having Félix, I never had a period on my own. I needed pills and injections to ovulate, and when those didn't work, I needed pills to induce my period. Something I was used to. So, the bleeding was sort of a surprise to me. I am still breastfeeding, although I know it's not always a full proof contraception method.... Contraception, why would I need that anyway? It took us 3 years doing everything we could to GET pregnant, I don't think there could be any use for contraception for us... So anyway, there was blood. And I thought for a split second "well how about that! Maybe my body finally got what it was supposed to do and did it on its own!" How naive of me.The bleeding was a one shot thing. It was gone as fast as it had appeared. Then, two days later, I started having some weird cramps, somewhere aroud my right ovary. I first thought nothing of it, but on the second day of cramps, I noticed some egg-white cervical mucus... What the hell? Am I ovulating? *insert uncontrolable laugh here* No really, am I?? P thought we should not let the occasion slip, so we did what we had to, just in case. On the back of my mind, I thought that was just too crazy. It was impossible I was ovulating on my own, with no pills at all, and breastfeeding on top of that.
And then it happened. My mind got stupid and my imagination took over. I had nausea. I felt some cramps. I was very tired. I had lots of heartburn. And I found myself in the whirlwind of a two weeks wait before I knew it. P was telling me I was pregnant. I was telling him to stop messing with my mind. I knew I wasn't, I knew I did not ovulate, but still, there was this tiny teensy bit of hope creeping in. So I waited.
On Friday, there was blood again. Just pink, but enough to make me think I had indeed ovulated, and now my period was here. Oh well. I was wrong. Once again, the bleeding stopped. So yesterday, I did the most stupid thing. I peed on a stick. Of course it was stark white, why would it be otherwise?
I feel so stupid. We're not even trying (although we wouldn't mind becoming urban legends and getting pregnant right away!). Why did I believe, even for a second, that this could happen? The fatigue, the nausea, the heartburn, they're all symptoms of having a two month old baby: lack of sleep!
When I saw my dr after giving birth, I asked him when would we be able to start trying again. Yes, I'm already thinking about that. In fact, I was thinking about it while still pregnant with Félix. Because the thought of spending another 3 years trying was just too much for me. I had to know what we would do. And since Health Canada has published a warning against Femara used for fertility treatments, we're sort of back to square one. And anyway, I cannot start taking any fertility drugs while breastfeedind and I intend to breasfeed as long as I can.
Don't get me wrong, I am not being greedy. I know I am very fortunate to have Félix. We are very happy, just the 3 of us. I am aware of how lucky we are to have him in our lives. I love him with all my heart and I do feel complete now that I have a family. But my family doesn't seem complete to me. I know I still have so many years ahead of me to have a second child. But the idea of doing this all over again is somewhat frustrating. Even if, in the end, it was all worth it. I am so very jealous of the fertile women who can say "when I'm pregnant with my next kid..." and mean it.
The ony thing fertiles can envy me, is that I don't need contraception to avoid pregnancy. Whopee.
posted by Kiwi at
12:24 PM
1 comment(s):
My wife recently mentioned to me something about many new mothers experiencing something like a month-long period after birth.
By
Outburst, at
12:42 PM
Post a comment
<< Home