What should I do?
Remember my friend Paty, who was pregnant and told me she "didn't have the time" to tell me? After the emails, I sent her cards. She answered with more bs. I didn't write back. I knew she told me about her pregnancy just because my shower was coming up. If she hadn't been invited to the shower, I'm pretty sure I would have known about her pregnancy much later.Or never.She never called or wrote after that either. Not to appologize for not coming to my shower, not ask me how I was doing, if I had the baby yet, nothing. I mean, I know it's not all about me, but when a supposedly close friend of mine is close to her due date, I call her. I ask about her. Anyway, when Félix was born, I sent an eamil to the people who didn't call or were not on my parents/in-laws email address book. I didn't have time to call everyone with the baby, the trouble with breasfeeding and all. So she got my email, saying Félix was born, how things went in a couple of words, how happy and in love we were, etc. She sent an email back, congratulating me. I was glad to read her email, to see she still thought I was at least worth 5 minutes of her precious time. She said in her email that she wanted to come by with another friend of hers (whom I know). She also told me about her pregnancy a little. What pissed me in all of her emails is that she never seemed thrilled to be expecting. She talked about the physical side of the pregnancy, but never said anything like "I'm so excited" or "I can't believe how lucky we are".
I wrote her back, telling her she could can come visit anytime. I was ready to see her. Let's get it over with, once and for all. Let's see her big belly. I don't know why, but the thought of her with a round belly bothered me more than anything else. She wrote me back, telling me she would come a certain date. We were going out that night, so I called her to tell her and set another date. We talked for about 30 minutes, mostly about her, the fact that she was now on maternity leave, that she had gained 32 pounds (at barely 6 months)... When I told her that the thing I missed the most about being pregnant was feeling the baby kick, she said "Really?!" as if I had told her I missed having swollen feet. So she told me she would call me back when she and her friend could come. I don't know why she wanted to come with her friend. She has a car, she doesn't work, so why? Too afraid to face me alone?
Of course, she never called me back. My son is 4 months old and she has not seen him yet.
I didn't stop thinking about her, wondering if she had given birth, if she was ok. But I was too proud to call her. The truth is, she really hurt me by not coming to my baby shower and not appologizing for it. And I'm trying to justify how I feel with all sorts of little bad things she did, when in fact, I am really only pissed about the shower and the fact that as a friend, she did not aknowledge that this was real important to me and it would only happen once. I might have other babies, but I'll never have my first child again and I'll never have a baby shower again.
She sent me an email last week. Me and 15 other people, so it was nothing personnal. She said that her son was born, she said every little thing that went bad and that was it. No "we are so happy to welcome him in our lives", no "we are so blessed", no "we proudly present..." None of that. I thought a lot about it. At first I didn't want to answer. But I thought I was bigger than that, so I wrote her a little note. I told her that her email was very negative and that I hoped she was now happy with her new baby. I wished her lots of happiness with her new family. And I said "enjoy it while you can because it's true what they say: time flies by!"
She did not answer and I don't expect her to. I wish I didn't lose her as a friend, but at the same time, I keep wondering why I would want to keep her around. She has always been a bad friend, a very bad listener and she was never there for all the important events of my life. She obviously did not care enough about my son to come and visit me while she could (and she lives only 20 minutes away from my home). Now that her son is born, I guess I'm the bad guy for not visiting her... I have lots of friends I don't talk to on a regular basis. But when something big happens, we're there for each other. If we don't call each other for 3 months, when we finally talk to each other, it's like we saw each other the day before. But with Paty, it's not like that. She stops calling, I don't call either. Months pass. I finally decide to call and she always tells me "well, you sure didn't give a lot of news!" Wth? You have 10 fingers, you can dial a number too!
I am a loyal friend. Not a perfect friend, but a loyal and honnest one. I have a real hard time letting people go. I hate ditching friends, even the bad ones. I'm not desperate for friends, as I am a solitary person. But I hate thinking I let a friend down. It's not in me.
So now, I am wondering if I should send her a card or a gift. I don't feel like she 'deserves' it, but at the same time, I don't want to be the bad friend who didn't even send a card when her son was born. She is that friend, not me. Is it only pride? Because I don't really want to keep her as a friend, so I owe nothing to her. I don't know what to do. Was my email enough?
Nobody around me understands this because nobody went through what we did. That's why I am asking you guys because I know there are people out there who understand. So, any suggestions?
posted by Kiwi at
11:41 AM
6 comment(s):
I certainly wouldn't send a gift. I might send a card. Mostly I would try to stop thinking about it.
Maybe she has postpartum depression or something, it does seem strange that her announcement note didn't have anything positive to say about the baby in it.
By
Susie, at
9:10 PM
She sounds like such a negative person, at least about her pregnancy and now about her new boy. Maintaining friendships with people like that can be exhausting, and not worth the effort. I would send her a card, maybe even a small gift, but nothing that is very sentimental, just something generic so that you can say you did something for her but not feel too bad if/when you don't get any acknowledgement for it.
By
Jen, at
10:36 PM
I'd MAYBE send a card, but the e-mail should be enough.
By
Anonymous, at
9:05 AM
First, I think you need to decide if YOU want to be her friend. Take the power out of "what will she do?" "how will she respond?" Instead, focus on YOU, and what YOU need in a friend. To be hoenst, it seems like the friendship isn't fulfilling at all. And so then why are you bothering? You have a beautiful baby boy, which YOU are thrilled about, so don't let someone else go pissing on your parade.
Choose light people in your life- it's not just your life anymore, it's Felix's life,too.
Don't surround him with crappy friends, or he'l learn from you, and choose crappy friends himself one day.
Lover her, bless her, and most importantly, LET HER GO.
:)
By
Anonymous, at
5:59 PM
Good God, Kiwi, what exactly would you be losing if you lost her? By your own admission you were her friend but she was never yours, I cannot imagine that officially deciding to sever whatever ties tehre are will affect yoru life at all. I'd lay it to rest, why waste your time and energy on someone who is at best rude and self-centred. Seriously, life's too short.
By
Lioness, at
8:19 PM
Hi. I'm new to your blog, and I wanted to chime in because I have a best friend who has behaved very similarly to your friend Pati. My best friend had an oops pregnancy last year, after I had already been trying for months. She still doesn't know that my husband and I have been diagnosed infertile, because in all of our conversations she only talks about herself. Even though it pained me, I listened to her talk about how upset she was about her pregnancy, thinking eventually she would ask about me. She never did. It is hard to let our friendship go because we have known each other for over 20 years. But when she didn't invite me to her baby's christening because "then she'd have to invite EVERYONE," I knew our frienship was completely one sided. I'm trying to move on, and focus my attention on the friends who do care enough to ask about ME occassionally, and as a result know about my infertility struggle, even though it's hard to talk about. I'd let Pati go, and focus on friendships that are healthier for you and your baby.
By
Emmie, at
9:09 PM
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