Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Monday, August 08, 2005


For months I have feared the coming of August 8. For months, I wondered what my reaction would be, what I would feel like inside. I thought I would be devastated, I thought I would live the day in regret and sorrow. This day has come and I am surprised by the peace I feel inside. My first baby, the one that did not stay very long in my belly, would have been born by today... I thought I would get to today with an empty belly and a broken heart. Instead, I find myself looking to the past with some sadness, yes, but mostly with resignation and pride. I no longer see this past as a feared enemy, but as a battle we have won. The baby now growing inside of me sure changes things. If Pépin wasn't here today, I'm sure today would be different. My little angel, my tiny piece of star that I kept in my womb for such a short time, I'll never forget you. You gave us, in a heartbeat, more joy and hope that we ever imagined possible. I have no regrets today. I won't turn my head anymore looking at what might have been, but I'll be looking straight ahead at what will be. I am letting go of the pain, my Angel, but not of the memory.

In one of the stars
I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing
And so it will be
as if all the stars
were laughing
when you look
at the sky at night.

- The Little Prince - Antoine de St-Exupéry

(A friend of mine wrote that to me the day I lost my baby. The Little Prince has always been one of my all-time favorites and that message touched me beyond words, at a time I felt so broken. Thanks again, Naomi.)

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