Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Thursday, July 28, 2005


We all have dreams. They change and evolve all our life. Some dreams we let go at some point, others get more important. Some dreams follow us since we are kids, others appear during our adult life.

I've had a lot of dreams since I can remember. I've always been a dreamer, I could look at the sky for hours, lost in my thoughts, imagining all sorts of things. I've given up many of my dreams in my life. I also modified a lot of them so I would not have to give them up. No matter what place I was in my life, no matter what were the dreams I had at that time, it was always a dream that kept me going.

When I was a kid, I had, well, kids dreams. I wanted to become a princess, with the big dresses like Sissi. My father's National Geographic mags really impressed me, so I wanted to become an archeologist, like Indiana Jones. I dreamed I was an only child, I dreamed I had no parents, I dreamed I was rich, I dreamed every impossible thing.

One big dream I cherished for many years was to become a professionnal dancer. I took dance lessons from the time I was 5 and loved it. I loved to dance, to give myself up to the music. I forgot everything while I was dancing. I took folklore classes, jazz classes, modern dance and flashdance classes. The only problem was, I had absolutely no talent. I have no sense of rythm, I'm not flexible, I don't move that well. So, I gave that dream up.

I dreamed about many careers. Some not seriously, like archeology, but others much more seriously, like journalism. I have always loved to write, so I thought this was a great way to join work and passion. For years, I thought I wanted to become a journalist. I based all the studies in our Career classes in school on the fact that I was gonna be a journalist. The tests said it was a job for me, but on the back of my mind, I knew it was not meant to be. I am not curious that way, I don't like to bother people and ask questions. I love to learn, research, read, but by myself. So I gave that up too. I have no regrets today because I love what I do.

I have one dream that's been following me and that never left my side since I was little. Writing. I have tons of notebooks full of poems and short stories, a couple of novels, some scenarios... I have a box full of diairies I have written non-stop since I was ten when I received my first diary, with the little lock on the front. I have never stopped writing, and I don't think I ever could. I've never found a better way to express myself, empty my heart and keep my head sane. I continue on living this dream everyday, I keep it deep in my heart, like a dirty secret. I don't dream of being read or even of being published. All I want is to write. That my words go by unread, I don't mind, as long as I keep writing them. Writing is for me a permanent dream, that keeps coming true every day.

Since my young years, many dreams came and went. I dreamed of having my own company, I am now self-employed. I dreamed of having a house with a garden, I do now. I dreamed of travelling, I did not. I dreamed of becoming slim and tall... oh well, we can't have everything we wish for. When I met P, many new dreams appeared. I wanted to live with him, make a life with him, have kids with him. We moved in together and had a life together. The kids took longer... When I was 17, I said that if I had no boyfriend by the time I was 20, I would get a IUI and have kids by myself. Oh how naive I was! Fortunately, P changed my way of seeing the future. I still wanted to have kids at a young age, but I realised I had to live a little before being there in my life. I wanted 3 kids by the time I was 25, like my mother. When things did not work out as I had planed, I changed my dream a little. Alright, 3 kids by the time I'm 30. Infertility changed everything, in spite of us. I've had a hard time changing that dream. I never thought of giving it up, it was too important to me. But every change I made gave my heart a little shiver. I was changing a part of me.

Today, I'm dreaming of having the kid I'm carrying. I dream about it's birth, seeing him/her grow, seeing him/her dream. If we have more kids, than good for us. If not, I will have no regrets. Yes, the dream was to have 3 kids by age 25, but now it's to have at least one by age 30. It took a long time to sink in. It was a big part of me I was letting go. But I knew that keeping this dream alive, even if sometimes it was a bit shaky, is what kept me going and trying. Sometimes people tell me I'm strong. No. I'm very, very stubborn and I beleive strongly in my dreams. I'm not the strong one, my dreams are.

1 comment(s):

This post makes me think. That's really a good way to think of dreams, just modify them, don't give them up.

Have a good weekend. :)

By Blogger Rebecca, at 2:55 PM  

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