Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

3 years

3 years ago, I did not start a new pill box. 3 years ago, we were beginning the TTC adventure, without expecting it to be so tough. I was 25, P was 27, we were ready and invincible.

In August 2002, we had finally decided to start trying and let nature do her thing. I knew I had some fertility issues, I've always had them. But I never could have imagined the road we would have to travel.

In August 2002, I already could imagine our child being born, growing and living in our appartment. I could already see our future so clear and bright. I was full of trust and hope. In August 2002, I was naive.

The first few months were disappointing. I didn't expect to conceive in the first month, but sort of hoped I would. If I got pregnant on the first try, our child would be over 2 years old by now. Our lives would be completely different. I wouldn't have tried all those treatments and pills and shots. I wouldn't have gone through the pain and despair month after month, year after year, picking myself up every time and keeping hope, over and over. It would have been simple, as it is for so many people.

People tell us it has all been worth it since I am now pregnant. Yes, our efforts now have a point. But worth it? I don't know if I can put a value in suffering and longing on a child. It was worth the wait, ok, but telling me it was worth all the pain is like telling me I had to go through all that to have the right to be where I am right now. I had to live the pain, the heartache and the despair, to lose my firts baby, to get to where I am. As if it was the price I had to pay for something so many people have for free, without even thinking about it. I am convinced my baby is worth everything under the sun, no doubt about it. But I would love it just as much if I got pregnant on the firts try. To say "oh this child is gonna be so loved because it has been desired and longed for, for such a long time..." would mean people who have babies easily don't love their children as much as infertile people do. I don't think so, as much as I hate fertiles. Nobody will know, by looking at our child, that he/she was so longed for by his/her parents. Nobody will see the difference because, in the long run, there is none.

Well, there is a difference, in me and in P. We have scars people won't see, but that are there nonetheless. The struggle has changed us forever. Beside the strenght it gave us and our couple, the things we have learned, the open-mindedness and compassion we have gained, many small things have changed inside of me. I will never be able to be spontaneously happy for a pregnancy announcment by a fertile. I will never stand a pregnant woman complaining about small things like sore breasts or fatigue. Woman, you are lucky to be there, tough it. I will never be able to jump up and down from joy if I ever see another positive hpt. I will never be at ease with people ignoring infertility. I will never stand pregnant ladies seeing life through pink tinted glasses. I will never tolerate comments like "stop thinking about it!" or "but it's so fun to practice!". I will never be the same woman that, 3 years ago, stopped taking the pill thinking she would get pregnant real soon. I will never be innocent and naive again. But I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna keep hoping. It got me here, after all? And I am trully, deeply happy and grateful to be where I am today.

2 comment(s):

That is exactly how I feel. I haven't been able to get pregnant yet but I know that when I do (how's that for being positive?) that I won't be able to jump hurrah because of the fear of loss. Even with never experiencing a miscarriage, I fear it, which I think is caused by the trouble of getting pregnant in the first place.

I just wish we didn't have to go through this. But it is wonderful to hear from others that understand and that there is hope that one day, we will all be in that wonderful place, holding our little one whether they be biological or adopted.

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 11:51 AM  

I too have difficulties looking at the fertiles. I have been trying to conceive since February of 2000. In May of 2000 I was able to conceive a child but miscarried at 6 weeks. Since that time I have been unable to get pregnant again. I struggle with the possibility that I may never be someone's "Mommy". And it's devastating to me. I'm now 30 years old and I can hear my biological clock ticking away. My husband is turning 40 next week and I know he is also disappointed that he is not someone's "Daddy".

At times I am petrified of getting pregnant again for I fear that I would not be able to deal with another miscarriage. It is just too difficult and too heartbreaking.

My sister has also struggled with pregnancy issues. Her problem is not fertility, it is carrying a child to term. She had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, she then had a daughter who was born prematurely at 24 weeks. Her daughter passed away after 3 days on a ventilator. Finally, she succeeded and March 28th she had a beautiful little boy. She managed to carry him until her 39th week. She had a circlage (I don't know if I spelled that correctly) at 12 weeks. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital at 31 weeks after some bleeding. When her son was finally delivered by c-section I was very excited for her. However, it only saddened my heart to think that I may never feel this joy for myself.

I contemplate adopting, but I can't really afford it. I just keep trying to save for the legal fees and pray that one day it will happen for me.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I will pray that you are able to give birth to a healthy, full-term child.

By Blogger Melissa, at 12:19 PM  

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