Holidays
Holidays are always very busy for us. My parents are divorced, so that doubles the parties on my side. P's family and mine don't mix, so more parties again. Lots of food, lots of gifts, lots of fatigue for me this year. And that was only Christmas!But holidays are also a very hard time for infertiles, as too many of you know. Christmas and New Year's are just two more reminders of our infertility, of what's missing: a child. We feel left out, alone and frustrated. Christmas is so much more magical with children around. You can't stop yourself from imagining what it would be like if you had your own kids with you. They'd be looking at the tree, with sparkles in their eyes. They'd be unwrapping their gifts, laughing and dancing. We feel so empty when we cannot live this dream for real. A big piece of our life is missing and we don't know how or where or even if we can find it.
New Year's is even worse. Every year, everybody wishes you the same thing. We tell ourselves this year will be the one, that this time next year, we'll be three. And when the next New Year's comes and we find ourselves at the same point, it's horribly painful. We feel like we lost one whole year for nothing. Once again, luck has deserted us.
I went through 3 of those. Three New Year's listening to baby wishes, being told "you'll see, this year you'll have your baby!", believing it a little less every year. Last year was harder than the others because I had just lost my first long desired pregnancy. I even hated the holidays. But I never, ever thought next year would be so different.
This year, everything has changed. We might not have our child with us yet, we might not really be three yet, but it's already so much different. I see this New Year's as the last one we'll spend alone, and this time, it's not only a wish, it's for real. 2006 already seems so bautiful and full of suprises and it hasn't even started yet. Our dream is so close from becoming true...
This time next year, there will be a little child with us, with sparkling eyes and a cute little laughter. Next year, P and I will really be a familly. Finally!
posted by Kiwi at
11:39 PM
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