Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

One last goodbye

One year ago, I lost my first baby. I was pregnant only for a very short time, but I never thought of it as an embryo. It was a baby from the moment I saw the second line appear on my test. Today, I say my last goodbye to this little baby. Every anniversary is now passed: 1 month, 6 months, the EDD, the positive test anniversary and today, the miscarriage anniversary. I am closing the book and looking forward. I will never forget this baby, that first taste of pure bliss. I'll never forget how genuinly happy and not affraid I felt before losing it. I'll also never forget how empty I felt after the loss, how raw and burning the pain was. I'll never forget the rage and anger bubbling in my throat. I've almost never talked about my miscarriage. It's so hard for me to explain how I felt and how I lived it. Too many women know what it's like, even if we all go through it differently. The pain is very raw and intimate, it isolates and crushes you. For me, the miscarriage changed everythnig. That's where I lost my innocence, my naivety and my freedom to be happy without being affraid. I also gained more fears and worries. I learned nothing was ever sure. I learned it could happen to me too...

It took me quite some time to get up again, shake the dust off my knees and get back on trying. I cried non-stop for weeks. My life was as empty as my belly was. I felt as if I was in a very bad nightmare and couldn't wake up. Then one day, it didn't hurt as much. And I was able to try again and move on.

Goodbye, my little stardust. Despite the hurt and emptiness you gave me, thank you for passing through our lives, even if for such a short moment. Thanks for making me know what it felt like to be trully and freely happy, for a split second. And thanks for making sure this one would stick the whole way.

3 comment(s):

That is exceptionally sweet.

By Blogger Mony, at 11:33 PM  

Kiwi, I'm so sorry about your loss. Thanks for sharing your remembrance, this really resonates. Yes, here's to sticking all the way...

By Anonymous Mary Scarlet, at 1:30 PM  

I don't know you. I've never been pregnant. My wife and I lost a baby in the 13th week. I will never forget him/her. It took about 3 months until my wife could at long last breathe easily. We're back to trying. I learned that even in 20 years we will feel this loss. I can't listen to Kenny Chesney's song "Who you'd be today".

By Blogger inteloutside, at 7:45 AM  

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