Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Saturday, October 22, 2005

6 months

Unbelievable. I wake up one morning and realize I am 26 weeks pregnant. I realize that in 3 months, if everything continues to go well, I'll be holding my little boy in my arms. And I panic a little. The room is not done, I almost haven't bought anything (an embargo from my mom, I'll tell you about it later), I haven't read what I wanted to read, I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to take, I didn't see the time go... and I still know nothing about babies!!!

Besides the normal panic and fears I guess every mom-to-be goes through, I am feeling a immense happiness to be 6 months along. I feel so priviledged, so lucky to be living this adventure, even if it took a long time to embark on it. Six beautiful months, without anything bad or any problem. Well, I gotta say, my pregnancy isn't as perfect and pink as it could be, but it is perfect for me. I am now living some annoying stuff, but nothing big and surely nothing to complain about. I feel like pregnancy has finally caught up with me. Not only has my belly grown a lot in the last month, but my back is killing me and I have a hard time getting out of bed (where o where are my abs?). I've also had a few carpal tunnel aches, I walk like a duck and I have wet round spots on my pajama tops when I wake up. But none of that matters. None of that comes even close to the emotional hardship we went through. None of that is worth complaining or whining. I appreciate every moment, good or bad, of this pregnancy. Every kick, every movement feels like I won the lotery.

I have waited and hoped for that moment for quite some time, I almost didn't believe it would ever happen. Now that I am right in the middle of it, I still have a hard time believing it sometimes. They went by so fast, the last 5 months with Pépin. For weeks, I rubbed my flat belly every time I felt a cramp or a pull, imploring Pépin to stick with me, to stay with us. I promised him tons of kisses and a mountain of ice cream if he stayed with me for 8 more months. I cried from fear of losing him. I kept myself from being happy, fearing my happiness would be stolen from me like last time. I talked to him all the time, telling him all the good reasons why he should stick with us. I thought that with my infertile rage and bitterness, I would never be able to fully appreciate the pregnancy. It took me a long time, but I made it. To appreciate my pregnancy and to be smiling with joy doesn't make us part of the fertile team nor does it make our journey to get there less painful. But I now believe that we have been unhappy long enough, not only do I have the right to be happy, but I owe it to myself. I owe it to us, to P and to all the infertile couples who still dream about becoming parents. I have the right to scream how happy I am, I have the right to not want to think about how bad it could go (which doesn't mean I forget), I have the right to rub my belly in public, I have the right to blush with love when baby kicks behind my navel. I won these rights, and everything that comes with it, paid for them with my sweat and tears.

In 3 months, Pépin will enter our lives on a new level. In 3 months, we will be parents. Until then, I intend to live fully every moment I have with him so close to me. If 6 months went by that fast, I don't even wanna think about how fast the next 3 will go!

1 comment(s):

Congratulations on making it!! I hope the next 3 months are enjoyable and as stress-free as possible. Yay!!

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 1:40 PM  

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