Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I want another one

I try not to think about it, I try to be reasonable and patient. I try, but I don't succeed. I want another baby. There's a battle inside of me because I cannot simply say "let's have another baby" and do it. For me, wanting another baby would mean start on the fertility meds again. And for that, I need to wean my son. For "normal" people, wanting a second child is a big decision, but after making that decision, there's nothing left to do but make the baby. They can say "I want my kids to be close in age" and do it.

Yes, I know we all know someone who got pregnant without even trying the second time around after having a hard time for the first one. I wish it would be me. But I'm not fooling myself. I know PCOS isn't cured by pregnancy.

And part of the battle inside of me is because of where I come from. I can no longer really call myself infertile, since I have a baby. And I can no longer whine about not being successful tryng, since I did succeed once. There are still so many coules out there trying for their first child. I would feel stupid and selfish if I complained. It would seem unfair to those still waiting for their first successful pregnancy.

I want another baby. Now. Yes, I'm in a hurry. As soon as Felix was out of my belly, I wanted to get pregnant again. I want to start trying again, but I don't want to wean Felix *just* for this. It would be selfish. I would deprive him of my milk just because I want another child. It would be putting my wants before his needs. So I'm kinda tore between breastfeeding and trying for baby #2. And I feel guilty to be thinking about any of this when I have my perfect little boy right here with me, making me oh so happy. I feel trully blessed to have him in my life, I do. But my family isn't complete. I want to give him a sister or a brother. I want to live all this again. My womb is screaming to bear life once again.

When a friend tells me about her children waking up and whispering to each other in the morning, thinking that she's still asleep and doesn't hear them, my heart melts. When I see a big brother kissing his newborn little sister, my ovaries ache. I want another child and it hurts just to think about it.

I'm not making myself miserable with any of this, don't get me wrong. Still... the impatience and urgency of the dream are back. This stupid bio clock is ringing again, after a quick snooze. I want another baby. Right. Now.

So, I thought and thought about all this. I've come with a plan, to help calm myself. I wanted to breastfeed Felix at least 6 months. He turned 7 months 2 days ago and he,s still exclusively breastfed. I would love to continue until he's a year old, but I do feel that if I had to stop now, I would feel I gave him the best and would not regret a thing. So let's say I stop breastfeeding at 9 months. After 3 months without having my period (I have a feeling weaning won't make it come back), I will go back to my dr. Let's say it takes about a year of trying after that (I'm quite optimistic here), then pregnancy... Felix would be about 3 years old when the baby would be born. It seems like ages away!

During our 3 years trying for Felix, we tried so many different recipes before finding something that worked. And I'm convinced the injectibles helped, even though I did not take any on the cycle I got pregnant with Felix. I just hope I will be able to start where we left. I hope I won't have to start all over again.

So I'm anxious to be back in the game. I'm anxious to be doing something. I'm not anxious about the two week wait, the failed cycles, the charts, the pills, the mood swings, the evil side effects, the pain, the sadness... I'm afraid it will take a long time again. I'm afraid I'll be too absorbed by all this and pay less attention to my son. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay zen and patient and let nature (ah!) take its course. I'm afraid it won't work.

My two SILs are pregnant, my best friend too (on the first try too, if you wondered). That makes me very vulnerable. It takes me to a much too familiar place. Brings me back to the shoes I used to wear. And they're not confortable. Even if I know them very well.

3 comment(s):

So babies are addictive, then?

By Blogger Jay, at 2:11 PM  

Just to let you know, I have 6 year old twins conceived after a diagnosis of PCOS and treatment involving injectibles and IUIs. I was told I'd never get pregnant without intervention. When they turned 2 1/2, my husband and I decided we really wanted another baby...and we did conceive, on our own, right away.

So, it is possible! You never know :).

BTW, I'm in Montreal too!

By Anonymous dizzy, at 2:01 PM  

I wish you the best and hope you'll get pregnant on your own, with ease. For your own sanity, though, you have to let go of the infertile thing. Just be happy for your SILs and friends. Let go of the envy and look at your little boy as a miracle. You have more miracles to bring into this world, don't get mired in the infertile crap. I'm there too, 2 1/2 years of trying with injectibles, IUI and failed IVFs.....just don't give up and don't give in to the negative thinking.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:05 PM  

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