Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Back in the game

Soon, I'll be back in the game. I've been thinking about baby #2 for a long time, since before my son was even born. I wondered a lot about when and how and if... I knew that if we wanted another child, I would have to wean Félix because fertility treatments and breastfeeding don't mix. So I waited, because I just couldn't give up the wonderful thing that is breastfeeding.

He drank my milk, and my milk only, until he was over 6 months old. I then tried to introduce cereals and vegetables, but he wasn't interested. He only wanted mommy's milk. He ate only when he was 8 months old, with quite an appetite. I started the weaning process when he was around 8 and a half months, for several reasons, one of them being that we wanted to start trying for baby #2 sooner rather than later.

Weaning wasn't an easy decision. One minute my heart broke just thinking about it, the other minute I was sick of breastfeeding and felt guilty to feel that way. I was coming back and forth, changing my mind a thousand times. I knew I was ready, well, I felt ready most of the time, so I jumped. Félix did not want artificial milk at all. I tried a dozen different bottles, nipples, cups, straws, 3 different milks, many temperatures, positions, situations... nothing worked. He just wanted mommy's milk. And mommy gave it to him.

Then one day, he just drank the whole bottle. And things have been easier since. I cut back one feeding at the time, taking a couple of weeks in between. When we were down to nursing twice a day (morning and before sleep) something I never thought would happen happened: I got my first post-partum period. Having a period for me is quite rare, when not taking pills, so I was kinda happy to see I could bleed "on my own", while breastfeeding, at that. I started taking my BBT again, just to see what my body was up to. Of course, no ovulation, but I got a second period 34 days later. Not bad. But then... between Dec. 29 and Jan. 28, I bled or spotted every day, except for 6 days. Wth? Things have been ok since, but still no ovulation and very erratic temps. Nothing new there.

Oh well. I'm disappointed, but not surprised. I'm almost mad at myself for believing I could be normal after my pregnancy. I felt stupid for hoping, but hey, without hope, I would have stopped trying a long time ago. It just bums me out to think we might have to do this all over again. I now know it's worth it, but wouldn't it be have been nice to be fertile?

So when I had my second period, I was still nursing once a day (morning). So I decided to keep it up, until I knew what my body was really doing. Now, I see clearly I won't ovulate on my own, so I need to wean my son off completely to go back to the fertility clinic.

I kept pushing back the date when I would stop. I felt ready, but I was very afraid. It felt very selfish to deprive my son of one thing he loves and that is good for him just because we want to start trying. I know it's not the only reason, but most days, it feels like that.

Since I couldn't find the courage to stop, but still found it hard to keep waiting before trying to conceive again, I decided to take things another way.

I see my fertility doctor on March 29. I will nurse my son for the last time on March 4th. Having a plan and dates actually helps me prepare and get used to the idea. I enjoy every morning feeding my son and I am so very proud this will have lasted 13 months. This have been an amazing adventure.

I am very anxious to start trying again. Taking my temps and checking my cervical mucus just isn't the same without any hope I will eventually ovulate. Taking meds isn't fun nor easy, but at least I will be doing something. At least, we will really be trying.

Is it weird that I just can't wait to be back in that game?

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3 comment(s):

I have PCOS too and have also been sans period for almost 2 years now. I have the same hopes you did, that maybe pregnancy whipped my body into shape. I am, however, grounded in reality that my outcome will be the same as yours. Good luck to you. I hope number two comes more easily than Felix.

By Blogger PJ, at 10:11 AM  

Hey Kiwi,
How's it going?
I too have the hopes that TTC#2 will be I imagine a couple with no fertility issues does day she realizes she's late and then she says, "Wow! I'm pregnant!" Ah well. I guess we'll see. I hope your appointment goes really well next week and that you have an easy time getting pregnant. XOXO

By Blogger Kat, at 10:10 AM  

You are a fab mother, and I hope that since your apt is fast approaching, things go well.

By Blogger Jay, at 2:02 PM  

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