Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

In the waiting

My first appointment with my dr is this afternoon. I am scared, so scared. I alsmost did not sleep last night, tossing and turning, having bad dreams and nausea. I'm not even sure why I am scared, since I probably won't get any answers today. No u/s, probably no heartbeat, what's the point?

I've been having a bad feeling for some time. Well, to be honest, since I received my beta result. At the time, I thought it was low, but still ok. I never did a second one to see if it doubled. It was so much trouble getting to have blood drawn in the first place, I did not have the strength to ask for a second. I should have, I know. Even more so today. This bad feeling is there, in the back on my mind, nagging me. I'm not always thinking about it, but it comes back once in a while just to remind me I should not be happy yet, wait and see...

The few symptoms I was having seem to have vanished since yesterday. That's not helping me to stay calm. I am not pessimistic. I am trying my darndest to stay positive. But this bad feeling is really, really hard to shake off. I guess it's an old infertile habit, my way of protecting myself. As if thinking about the bad things protected me from them. I know now that expecting the worse does not make me feel less devastated when it happens. So why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep torturing myself with these feelings and fears? I wish I knew where the OFF button of my head was sometimes, I sure would use it today.

3 comment(s):

Kiwi, I am thinking of you today and hope all goes well. Maybe once you see some progress you will feel better about things. Update us soon!

By Anonymous Dooneybug, at 1:48 PM  

I understand everything you are saying and I hope that everything turns out fine.

By Blogger Rebecca, at 3:02 PM  

Good luck, you are not talking to yourself. I'm cheering you all the way fom Portugal. Hope the news are fabulous!

By Blogger The Lioness, at 6:48 PM  

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