Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Friday, October 06, 2006

To blog or not to blog

I've been wondering a lot if I should stop blogging. Well, I did kinda stop blogging... Since my son was born, more than 8 months ago, I haven't been a real good blogger. I played the new mom card a lot, but there's more than that to my absence. I've been blogging in my French blog a lot, so why not here? Why couldn't I just translate my posts and publish them here too?

When I started my blog back in January 2005, I was looking for a way to express my feelings and thoughts about my infertility. We had been trying for more than 2 years already, suffered a miscarriage and I needed somewhere to talk about all of this without feeling the need to censure myself. I knew I was getting on the nerves of my friends on certain boards (not related to IF) so I stopped talking about it there. I first started with my French blog, since it's my maternal language. But the French speaking blogosphere is not quite populous and I got no feedback. I wasn't looking for fame or anything like that. But I thought that maybe by writing about infertility, I would be able to talk to people going through the same thing. And read about there struggle and maybe find hope or something along that line.

That's when I discovered the IF blogosphere, in English. Man o man, what I found was pure gold! So many great women going through similar stuff. So much courage, determination, strength. So much pain, heartbreak and anger. I felf humbled and not alone anymore. I felt like my feelings were ok. I read about so many worst scenarios than ours that I even sometimes felt stupid to complain. But most of all, I found confort and understanding. By writing, and mostly by reading.

When I got pregnant, I still found great support. But I understood that many people (I was once like that too) would stop reading and that was ok. But what was the point in writing if nobody read? I have a journal here, I also have my French blog. This blog was to be part of the community, it was about not feeling alone. It was about someone telling me it was ok to feel frustrated, it was ok to be jealous, it was ok, because infertility sucks big time. By having a child, I did get what we all want. I realised my dream of becoming a mother. And I did not feel part of the community anymore. Not that I felt rejected, not at all. But I don't feel like I have anything more to bring. I love mommy-blogs, I read a lot of them. I still read mostly infertility blogs because I just can't stop until every one of you are parents. But I don't feel like having a mommy-blog. I don't think I have enough talent to bring anything new. Like Karen said, everything has been talked about already. And with more talent and humour than I ever could. I would feel like a pale copy.

I could tell you about my son not wanting the bottle nor the cup, meaning I can forget about weaning him at 9 months. I could tell you about the time he bit my nipple so hard I bled (on a white shirt, of course) at the restaurant. I could tell you about how I've been wondering how come I'm not bald yet, with all the hair I've been loosing for the past 6 months. I could tell you about my day-to-day life, but really, there's nothing of any interest in my life. I could tell you about all sorts of things. My heart is mushy, my brain is even worse, because there's a little chubby ball of love with blond hair in my life. I can't write, I don't think like I would be any good anyway.

My son is my world. I love him to death. For me, every little thing he does is wonderful and amazing. But we all know all the children get their first tooth, all the babies end up lifting their head and turning from back to belly. My kid does nothing original when we compare him to other kids. But to me, every single little thing he does is of the upmost importance. But who wants to read about that, from someone who can't even write well in English?

In the French speaking blogosphere, there aren't as many blogs. So I can talk about all that stuff without feeling as if we're all saying the same thing. And since my readers are for the most part mothers, I can finally reach out to them. They can finally relate. I just don't feel the need to translate it all, because when I read all the incredibly talented mommy-bloggers out there, I just feel blah.

Anyway... all that babling just to explain why I've been MIA a lot lately.

I won't stop blogging, but I will stop pretending I'm not writing much because I have no time. And I will stop promising I'll be back soon with lots of posts because, let's face it, I won't be.