The naivety of others
Talking about my own naivety made me realise I was also facing the naivety of others. But by that, I also mean their ignorance. May it be willfully or not. I cannot blame normal people for not knowing about infertility. It is not something we talk about a lot when it is not part of our reality. We grow up thinking (and all our sex-ed classes teach us the same) that the one time we won't be careful while having sex, we will end up pregnant. So we feel it is pretty easy to get pregnant. It IS, for most people. But for many others like us, it is not. And I sometimes feel like society has forgotten or chosen to ignore the infertile. By pretending we don't exist, they make our battle even harder and they make us feel like we are maybe making a fuss about nothing.
They do not know we are suffering because it is not written on our forehead and we won't talk about it over tea. So we can't blame them for not being sensitive. Or can we? People around us not only didn't know what we were going through, but they did not know anyone was going through that. Everytime I hear someone is pregnant, I ask myself "I wonder how much time it took and did she take Clomid?" But the average person does not think about that. They simply think "Oh wow! They love each other, they decided to have a baby and here it is!" That's the naivety I am talking about. And I don't blame those who do not know for being insensitive. But I have no mercy for my friends who do know we are having a hard time TTC and still are insensitive. I do not ask them to understand. I myself cannot understand something I'm not living. I can't understand what it's like to have diabetes, for example. But still, I can be sensitive enough not to eat chocolate cake in the face of a diabetic. I ask the same thing of my friends. It's ok if you don't understand me, but can you at least respect me and be sensitive? Can you at least stop being naïve and aknowledge our struggle?
Hope and naivety
When you’re at the point in your life where you are about to start TTC, you are very naïve. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean you are innocent, pure and full of hope. Nothing has tainted your beautiful dream yet. The world is before you, beautiful and promising.
Oh how I miss those times! Can’t remember how it felt like when we thought making a baby meant making love. Can’t belive I once thought it would work right away. And I can’t believe I thought I had any control in this. Those were good times indeed.
Since then, I have lost all my innocence and naivety. And I have almost lost all of my hope too. Of course, I won’t give up on my dream of becoming a mom. There’s no way I would give that up, I don’t think I ever could. But I have given up on many illusions I had built up for myself when we started TTC. I know perfectly well we won’t be able to conceive by simply making love. I know getting pregnant on the first try is not meant for us. And I very well know now I have no control in this.
After the first month TTC, when your first period arrives, you’re sad and disappointed. But life goes on and you still have lots of hopes for the next cycle. Hey, it was just a cycle to practice, right? Right... When your second cycle ends up with a period, you’re still facing the same disappointment. But when your period disappears for several months and you find yourself doing lots of tests and taking meds, the story changes. I think I lost my innocence when I did the bloodwork. It was true then. We would not be parents easily. As the months passed by, I had less and less naivety and hope. When I finally saw that second line on the test, all of my innocence and naivety and hope of the beginning came back to me. I was once again naïve and innocent and hopeful. I once again believed in miracles. I knew full well the risks of miscarriage I was facing. But I couldn’t care. Our happiness was much too big to be broken. We were invincible! But even Superman has a weakness... When I lost my baby, all the innocence, the naivety and the hope left in a heartbeat. And they never came back. Since that day, I am completely disillusioned. I still believe we will one day be parents. But I believe less and less everyday that I will carry our baby. I still believe we will have a child in our lives and we will love him/her with all our hearts. I might not give birth to that child though.
We have started talking about adoption. Nothing serious, but we’re thinking about it. We are still thinking about it as being our backup plan. But it feels very good thinking there is still something out there for us to try. It feels good thinking it does not have to end when we decide to stop trying with meds and IUIs. We still want to try for a couple of years, unless my RE tells us there’s no way we’re going to conceive again. The thought of welcoming a baby that only wants to be loved in our lives is not as scary as it was befre. It even warms my heart when I think about it. I know I am not ready yet. But I know I will be, one day. And even if we success in getting a baby of our own, I think we will still consider adoption.
I have given up many dreams in my life. I wanted to become a mom before I turned 25. I even wanted 3 children before I turned 30. I guess I’ll have to give up that one too. But there’s one dream I will never give up. We will one day become parents. May the child come from me or from another country, we will be parents. That, I believe. There may be some naivety left in me after all...
Spring is here!
In my living room at least!
We're taking a break
I am self-employed. Ever since we've been TTC, we knew we would have to save money if I ever got pregnant. Because for me, not working means no money at all and risking to lose my clients if I take too much time off. But for a couple of weeks now, some new light has been shining on this stressful issue. The Québec governement has instaured a new Maternity leave program that now includes self-employed people. That means, if I give birth from Jan. 1st 2006 and on, I will receive money from the governement for maternity leave. I was so happy to learn that, I wanted to cry! Not only did it mean we would not have to worry as much about saving up 3 months worth of salary, but it meant we would only have to worry about keeping my clients waiting and not losing business while taking care of the baby. I know lots of people have no maternity leave at all. I know I will be a one lucky chick if I do receive money. But the possibility itself, the fact that I, a self-employed hard worker, will be recognized as any other workers, is such a huge step.
But yesterday, I realised something: if I wanted to give birth after Jan. 1st, my little egg would have to meet the little soldier after April 10th. This means I will ovulate too soon this cycle. Oh well. So this cycle is a bust, because we have decided we were going to wait the one month that would make the huge difference in our lives. We would go from no income at all to some income from the governement, just for one month.
It feels weird just thinking about not even trying this month. I have taken the Femara. I have felt the hot flashes and the moodiness and the depression (and I am sure Mr. P. has felt all of that too!). I will continue charting. But we won't be trying. It is really hard thinking we will be missing out one ovulation. It will be the 9th one in more than 36 months, and we will not make use of it. We have thought long and hard about it. But since it is only a matter of a few weeks, we think it's for the best. Of course, if I had the choice between having a baby now with no income and having the maternity leave income later, I would chose the baby in a heartbeat. I would trade all the money in the world to have my baby in August as I was supposed to. But since we can't change the past, we're going to make the right decision to make the best of the future.
Wu-hu!
I won a cookie at Tim Horton's!
The bean that would have been
If I had not lost my little bean, I would be 20 weeks pregnant today. We would be half-way there. I know I should not go back in time so often. I know I should not have regrets for something that was out of our control. But I can't help living two seperate lives: my own boring and infertile life and the one where our little bean would have stayed in my belly and grown. In that life, I maybe would have a belly. Our friends and families would know we were expecting and be very happy for us. I would be buying some maternity clothes for the summer. Maybe even a two-piece swimsuit if I dared. We would be thinking about painting the office and changing it into a baby room. Maybe we would know the sex of the baby and even would have already picked up the name. And later in the summer, I would have gone swimming in the lake with my big round belly, like a whale. I would have made a huge surpise to the girls I work with only every 6 months and whom I saw last a week before the bfp. We would have celebrated my birthday, our anniversary and his birthday with our child growing in me. I would have had a baby in my arms at my brother's wedding. We would have been parents.
I cannot keep living this parallel life. It hurts too much. I know I will always be living this imaginary life with a baby that will never be in a certain way, in my heart. Our life will be filled with milestones that would have been: its birth, its first Christmas, its first birthday, its 10th, 20th... I have to let go, I have to kiss it goodbye and keep on looking forward. I know I will never forget my little bean. It will keep living in my heart. Just not the way I had planned.
Like a boomerang
I'm doing my best to keep myself busy and think less about TTC. But as hard as I try, nature always finds a way to bring my infertility back to the surface. Of all the things 3 young adults can talk about while waiting in line for their chicken order, they have to talk about the first ultrasound and how wonderful it was and the names they are picking for the future baby. Of all the people taking the bus everyday, the one sitting in my face has to be a mom-to-be caressing her round belly with glee. I have nothing against these people. They did nothing to me personnally. I would never want anybody not to have what they have just so I could feel better. I just wished everybody had what these people have. But I think there is someone, or something, up there laughing down at me. There is someone up there having fun just putting some obstacles on my road and making sure to rub my face in my old wounds. I am already having such a hard time trying to fight back the Femara-demon and the mood swings, much less with nature making fun of me. I am depressed, I am discouraged and frustrated. Is it really necessary to add anything more to the mix??!
Because I had nothing better to do
Went to see my RE this morning. He asked me why I was there. Uh, hello? Your secretary told me you wanted to see me before I take the appointment for the lap/drilling. "Oh no, said a sorry RE, it's a mistake, you did not have to come in, I just have to fill these forms." What the..??! I went in, spent nearly 2 hours in the waiting room filled with toddlers and big bellies, and all that for squat? I am pissed. I told the secretary on Monday that I did not need to come in, she only needed to tell my dr to send the forms. But noooo she wanted it her way! Sheesh... As if I had nothing better to do on a Friday morning (like sleeping?!)...
So, he filled the forms and sent them to the hospital. They will call me back to tell me when the lap will take place. My RE said it would be somewhere in June. Sweet, just in time for my birthday. So until then, we will keep trying with Femara, who knows... I am now at CD6, so I don't expect to ovulate for another 2 weeks. Great, another kind of 2ww! Wow, it's a good thing I started boxing again. I think I'll go see my punching bag now and beat the hell out of it...
New start
My period arrived yesterday morning. I am not that happy to see her, but at the same time, I'm relieved I can finally move on to a new cycle and stop obsessing about the last one. This will be a cycle with no injections, no appt to the RE and no IUI. Only Metformin and Femara. I hope this semi-break will help us get back on our feet strong and ready for the surgery in 3 months.
No surprise
Got another negative this morning. So... where oh where could AF be? I will buy another brand of HPT and test again tomorrow if the old hag is still missing. If she's gonna come eventually, I really wished it would be now, instead of making me lose time fighting the hope and peing on sticks.
Some news
Did an HPT on Tuesday morning. Of course, no second pink line, no surprise there. I went to see my RE. Felt really weird again not having to take off my pants. And we had a real good talk, for once. I told him we were really tired and had a hard time recovering from failure time after time. Since our money is running low, we won't be able to do many more cycles with injectibles and IUI. So I asked him if there was anything else we could do, anything we had not tried yet that might help. He told me we were already doing everything we could. Sometimes it just ain't enough. He said since I want to stop injects/IUI cycles for now, there are 2 options.
1. In Vitro - I told him if we were not able to pay for IUI, IVF was way out of our league for now.
2. Laparoscopy and ovarian drilling - Ok the name itself gives me chills, but I have read a lot about it and the results are pretty impressive.
So we decided to go for option #2. Given our wonderful health system here, it might take up to 3 months to get an appointment for the surgery. So, for the next 3 months, I take some time off the injects, IUI, u/s and dildocam sessions. I only take Metformin and Femara, since it has worked (although not perfectly) in the past. That way, I won't feel like I'm just wasting my time, waiting for the lap. Maybe I won't even have to go that far (oh, who am I kidding?). They will be able to check for endometriosis (my dr said it would surprise him) and burn it if there is and if it's possible and they will do the drilling at the same time. Thinking about it, I find myself feeling a glimmer of hope to be normal... Normal meaning not having to shoot myself in the belly just to develop an egg. Stupid hope creeping in while I'm not looking.
It's gonna feel weird, taking a break from the shooting and stuff. But it will be good for us too. And if everything is ok after the lap, we will be able, financially, to continue treatments if need be. Even if I don't obtain spontaneous ovulation after the surgery, I will still be able to ovulate with the injections and try IUI a couple more times. I am kinda happy we have a plan. I felt very desperate when I thought the only thing left for us (IVF) was not possible for us now. But knowing there are still things we can try is a relief.
On another note, I am now at 14 dpo and no period in sight. I am not getting my hopes up, I don't want to give in to this tiny bit of hope lingering in my heart. But during all my cycles with injectibles and lousy charts, I have always had my period at 12 or 13 dpo. I have once had it at 15 dpo, but that was with a late ovulation and a beautiful chart. I will be testing again tomorrow morning, IF I get there without any spotting what so ever.
Here are some links about Ovarian drilling...
http://my.webmd.com/hw/womens_conditions/tw9171.asp
http://www.obgyn.net/pcos/articles/lap_ovarian_cautery.htm
http://www.healthandage.com/Home/gid7=807
Enjoy the nice pictures! ;)
Still going
My chart is still looking like crap... I try not to get discouraged by it, but it's very disappointing, especially since I've had beautiful charts in the past (along with lots of crappy charts). I know I can't rely only on my chart, but until I see my RE, it is the only tool I have to obsess with. I called my RE's office this week to try and see him to have some testing done for my progesterone. But the nice receptionnist was off that day and the Nurse-from-hell answered me. She was so rude to me, telling it was useless to test my progesterone, that she would ask the dr, but could not give me an appt this week anyway, so it would do no good... Anyway, I took the chance and hoped she would call me back to ask me to come in for blood work today (which is my 7DPO). She did call back today, but at 5 pm and I missed it. I have an appt next Tuesday, but I will call back tomorrow, just in case. Tuesday, I will be 12 DPO. When my period arrives, it actually does on 12 DPO. So if it's there by then, I will see my dr to discuss what to do next. If it's not there, I will be able to ask him for the progesterone and hCG testing then. So I guess one way or the other, I'll know by Tuesday. Maybe if I can't stop myself from POAS, I'll do it before going to see him.
I am having a hard time these days in my buddy groups. Many nice women who have had fertility issues (or not) are now pregnant. I am happy for them, of course, but at the same time, I just feel like it constantly reminds me that I am NOT pregnant. I was, but not anymore. And since I don't want to take their joy away with my moodiness and life's-unfair-ness, I just don't write anymore. Maybe I'll obsess less. Ahah! Who am I kidding? I try not to obsess, but my chart is calling me 10 times a day "Stare at me! Stare at me!" And I obey, thinking if I stare hard enough and long enough I might see a sign appear telling me "Yep! You're pregnant!" Stupid chart making my eyes hurt...
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On another note, I want to talk about some blogs that really move me. I have been reading some IF sisters' blogs for some time now. I know mine is pretty boring beside most of them. I am far less witty and funny than them. I have nothing new or interesting to say. And my spontaneity is lost in translation too. But I read these blogs very religiously and I really admire these women. And today, two of them made me cry and want to go through the screen and give them a big hug. Over at Scrambled eggs and Wasted birth control, the raw and profound sadness and strenght really touched me beyond words. I am not good with words, I can't find the right words to say how much these posts touched me deep inside. Girls, my thoughts are with you, even if you don't know me.
