Seasons in the sun
I am taking some time now for a quick update because I'm not sure I'll have the time before leaving on vacation. Friday is Canada Day, so we leave for my mom's house by the lake in the morning and we won't be back for a whole week. A whole week in the country, swimming in the lake, listening to frogs and birds singing, getting mosquito bites and sun burns. A whole week to sleep and relax, but also a whole week with no Internet. I'm gonna have so much to read when I come back!
So here I am, almost 10 weeks along already. I couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy so far. Beside the natural fears and doubts, nothing really pains me or bugs me. Alright, maybe a little constipation, but nothing a good (not!) bowl of All Bran can't fix. When we come back, on July 13, I will be having another u/s, this one for the nuchal testing. Can't wait to see how my Pépin has grown.
Tomorrow night, we are having the in-laws for dinner. We are going to announce it to them. That's gonna be something. Oh and by the way, since I never gave an update on that, my SIL is not pregnant. At least, she was not the couple of times I saw her last. When I saw her drink that beer and smoke that cigar (I know, ew!), I almost jumped from joy.
Then, there's only gonna my mom left to announce it to. We are gonna do it at the country house, since she's gonna be there... We had no money to spend on vacations this year but could not bare the thought of staying home for two weeks (I work at home, so I would be like taking my vacations at my office). So we are making the sacrifice... we are spending one week with my mom, but it's free and did I mention it was by the lake? So anyway, I'm gonna have a real good talk with her because it really pissed me off knowing she did not respect what I had asked of her. But we will wait until next Monday, because on Sunday we are going to my SIL's wedding shower and my mom would not be able not to open her big mouth if she knew it by then.
Let's hope the sun is on our side for this first week of vacations. Hoping you all have a wonderful time and see you all soon!
My new best friend
The word is out
Yesterday, we were going for dinner at my father's for his birthday. We had decided we were going to announce it to him, his girlfriend, my brothers and sisters in law that night. I have had many years to think about that moment, but I had never let myself do it, afraid it would never come true. But I had thought about how I would announce it. So I wraped a small baby toy in silk paper and I put it on top of a positive hpt* that I had also wraped. At the bottom of the box was a piece of paper on which I had printed the two pictures of the u/s and had written "Hello Grandpa and Grandma!".
So we went for dinner. Everything was going well, we talked, we ate outside, a nice evening. After desert, P told me it was time. I started shaking and there was a big knot in my stomach. This is huge! How can I do that? I was so scared to break the spell by telling them! P took me in his arms and told me sometimes we just had to jump. So I took the little box and placed it on the table, in front of my dad. "This is for you and C too, from P and I."
He opened the box and unwraped the toy. He smiled, did not say a word and continued. He unwraped the test and still did not say a word. He then saw the note and read it out loud. The following moments are a blur, a whirlwind of hugs, kisses, teary eyes, congratulations and happy screams. My SIL was in tears, my father was so happy, my brothrs were smiling and I did not shake anymore. My father told me he got it at the toy, but kept going just to make sure. Everybody had understood just with the toy, but did not say a word.
P then told them the story of this little bugger was not an ordinary one and that the pregnancy was not a surprise. I told my dad and his girlfriend "You knew a part of it, but you didn't" talking to my brothers and SILs. They told me "yes we did, mom told us."** I told them briefly the story of Pépin, the testing, the treatments, the injections, the miscarriage, the IUIs, the dead-end we were at while waiting for our last thing to try, the lap/drilling. We asked them not to tell anyone else just yet. They asked questions, were interested in details like did I feel nauseous, when was the EDD, did we have names in mind. My little brother's girlfriend was looking at my belly, as if expecting it to grow by the minute. It felt really weird talking about that with them. What felt weird were not the words, but how good it felt, how freeing it was. What had been our secret garden for so long was now open to those close to us. And it was not as scary as I thought it would be.
My father told me he would always remember that birthday.
Me too.
* I had ordered 5 hpts this week especially for the occasion. I felt so stupid jumping up and down when I saw the two lines. As if by now I still needed that to reassure me!
** I am really mad at my mom for breaking my trust like that. I always knew she was not really trust-worthy, I knew she had told my grandma, but never thought she would tell my brothers. I am going to announce the pregnancy to her next week, but I think a good talk is needed. When I ask people not to tell secrets, it's not for show. It's for real and I'm mad and sad she did not take it seriously.
Unexpected encounter
I had lots of trouble sleeping last night. I was tossing and turning, feeling nauseous, hot, cold, anxious... It was about time the night ended! Today, I had my first appointment. Finally, this awaited and dreaded moment had arrived.
I knew I would not have an u/s and probably would not hear the heartbeat, so I did not think there was much to expect. I did not expect this appointment to calm my fears at all. P was also stressed and frustrated because I would not have an u/s.
We arrived at the clinid, anxious and nervous. The nurse asked us to sit in an exam room and wait for the dr. In the rooms next to us, we could hear him going from one round belly to another with his doppler, making everybody hear the little beating hearts. P was very irritated by that, he felt he should be hearing his baby's heartbeat, not everybody else's. I knew he would not let this go and frankly, I wanted him to say something about it.
The dr comes in, quickly looks at my chart and says: "Finally you are pregnant! That's wonderful! After all these treatments, the Femara did it! I'm amazed!" He asks a few questions, explains all the next appointments and tells me I will have one u/s at 18 weeks (yeah, I know!). I tell him the nurse did not write the right EDD because my cycle was a bit longer. He asks me when was the last time we did a pap-test. I don't remember when, so that must mean we need to do one now. He says "Well, we're gonna do one now. And you're gonna need to do an u/s so we can tell exactly how far along you are, since your cycles were not regular."
I step on the exam table. P asks him if we need to take an appointment at the hospital for the u/s and if it takes a long time. The dr says "Oh no! we're gonna do one here, now!" P and I look at each other, eyes as big as $2 coins, our mouths wide open and our hearts beating fast. This is so much better than what I ever hoped! And we didn't even have to beg!
On the screen, we see a small gray spot appear. Is it true, is it really Pépin we're seing here? It's so tiny, so beautiful! It measures 8w6d, which is right on target since I am 8w5d. Its heart is beating fast, little white spot and strong rythm. We finally hear it, the sound of our baby's heart. P is sitting there, his eyes full of tears and his heart already full of love for this tiny little being. I'm laying on the table, laughing like an idiot, so in chock, hoping not to wake up from that wonderful dream. After all this time, can it finally be true?
Everything seems perfect. As my doc said, this one's a keeper. As of my lack of symptoms, there's nothing to worry about, of course. I am one of the lucky ones that go about without nausea. For once in my life, I am on the good side of statistics! The fertility gods have decided I have paid my dues and deserve a little break. Even if I know this war is still not over, seing and hearing Pépin and knowing things are ok for now has brought such a peace to our heart. A peace I had not felt since... since forever I guess. I can't stop smiling, my cheeks hurt!
I will do the prenatests in 3 weeks, so I will get another u/s. What wouldn't I do just to glimpse once more at our baby? What can I say, I'm in love!
In the waiting
My first appointment with my dr is this afternoon. I am scared, so scared. I alsmost did not sleep last night, tossing and turning, having bad dreams and nausea. I'm not even sure why I am scared, since I probably won't get any answers today. No u/s, probably no heartbeat, what's the point?
I've been having a bad feeling for some time. Well, to be honest, since I received my beta result. At the time, I thought it was low, but still ok. I never did a second one to see if it doubled. It was so much trouble getting to have blood drawn in the first place, I did not have the strength to ask for a second. I should have, I know. Even more so today. This bad feeling is there, in the back on my mind, nagging me. I'm not always thinking about it, but it comes back once in a while just to remind me I should not be happy yet, wait and see...
The few symptoms I was having seem to have vanished since yesterday. That's not helping me to stay calm. I am not pessimistic. I am trying my darndest to stay positive. But this bad feeling is really, really hard to shake off. I guess it's an old infertile habit, my way of protecting myself. As if thinking about the bad things protected me from them. I know now that expecting the worse does not make me feel less devastated when it happens. So why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep torturing myself with these feelings and fears? I wish I knew where the OFF button of my head was sometimes, I sure would use it today.
8 weeks
Oh my! I still can't believe I'm 8 weeks already! I know there is still a long way to go, but wow, I never thought I would even get this far. My first appointment with my ob-gyn is next week. No u/s (here in Québec, because of the public health system, we only have one u/s during the whole pregnancy, around 18 weeks, unless something is wrong), just the exam and the bunch of questions. Maybe we will hear the heart, but I'm not counting on it, since it's still pretty early. So nothing much to reassure me, but I'll take what I get. I will ask and beg and crwl on my knees for an early u/s, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get one.
I still don't have a lot of symptoms. Very, very tired and boobs hurting, nothing new there. I'm still clear from nausea and morning sickness. I get disgusted easily, but nothing major. I'm used to that. I am always hungry, but as soon as I eat, I feel full. Overall, I still feel good. Nothing to complain about. Not that I would, of course, but you know what I mean.
My heart is in turmoil still... The jalousy that was a daily crisis with infertility still lingers on. I still hate oops babies and ambush announcements. Pregnant ladies dancing of joy and seing life through pink tinted glasses piss me off. Women ignoring that it could go wrong bug me. Yep, my infertile crankiness is still alive and well.
My little seed, if everything is still going ok, is measuring around 10 to 14 mm and weighing about 1,5 g. It has small arms and legs and its face is starting to develop. It no longer is the size of a kiwi seed, more of a chili bean or a cherry pit. But kiwi seed is the name we gave it and we stick with it. In French, the word is Pépin, it almost sounds like Pippin from LOTR, without the hairy feet I hope.
So, that's my quick little update. Can't wait for my first appointment. I am very nervous and anxious. I am so used to being told bad news, I'm expecting the worst, while hoping for the best. I think that's the best lesson I have learned from all these years of trying. Staying positive while keeping both feet on the ground.
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I want to say a big thanks to all of you who took 2 minutes to write to me. It feels so good to know I'm not talking to myself. ;)
2 minutes
I am so busy these days. I have a huge contract that's taking all of my time, but I still have to do the other small regular contracts. So when I am not working, I am sleeping. I am so exhausted! Can't wait for my vacations!
I am taking 2 minutes off this morning to say first of all, I am doing good. No bad symptoms yet. Feeling tired, but great. Second, I dare ask something of you guys... Today, I turn 28. I know I'm a huge copycat, but I would love it if you took 2 minutes to leave me a small comment telling me about you. I've talked enough about me, let's hear from you now!
You'll see
Among my friends, N is the queen of dumb comments. She's the one who told me to go see an accupunctor because it had worked for one of her friends. She's the one that's always looking at me as if I was SO exagerating when I talked about my infertility, which I almost never did with her anyway. I am having a party this Sunday at my home. Some friends are coming with their children, which is fine with me. But there is this one girl, J, that I don't really like, but have to invite to every party because she invited us to her wedding, her son's christening and her birthday. How can you repay a wedding and a christening? She has the two most annoying and bad-manered boys. So, we were supposed to have a bbq. But, the weather forecast does not look good anymore. So we might have to move the party inside. I told N I didn't want to do it inside, with all the people and the bunch of kids running everywhere. Well of course, she said something like "Oh! you'll see when you have children! You're gonna have to get used to it!" And I told her "Well MY kids will know how to behave." And here comes the dumb part. N says "That's easy to say when you don't have kids you know!" Alright, first of all, who says that to a infertile friend? And second of all, she doesn't even have kids!!! She thinks she knows everything about having and raising kids because she babysat J's boys. I was so pissed I told her if it rained, we would cancel the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love children (duh!) and all my other friends' children are so much fun and well behaved. But these two, not only are they imposed to us because we feel obliged to invite J, but they really are loud and violent and we can't just tell them to sit down and shut up because, well, you know, we don't have that right and anyway, we don't know what it is to have kids!
I KNOW it's easy to say things like "my kids are gonna behave" when we don't have kids yet. It's like saying "if I was a millionnaire, I would buy you all a car!" when I have no money. I know it's all easier to say than do. But is it really necessary for N to always remind me I don't know what it is? As if she knew anyway....
Plus, if the party's inside, that would mean I'd have to clean the whole house... If it were outside, I'd clean the bathroom and the kitchen, the only two rooms people would see. I don't have time to clean, I don't have time to make everything kids friendly and to figure out how the hell am I going to fit 20 people in my tiny little house? Damn those storms, they spoil everything.
Six and a half
My body
I still have very few symptoms. My boobs still hurt like hell and are changing by the second. I am very tired, but it could be from the massive amount of work I am having these days.
My heart
I am very proud to be over 6 weeks now. I am today at 6w4d. Every day is a small victory and a privilege. I am still experiencing very contradictorial emotions. Happiness and jalousy, hope mixed with fear, expectations, doubts, love, attachment, a fear of the unknown, but most of all, the impression that my heart is just going to busrt from all the love.
My head
Everything still seems sureal. I am starting to read a little about pregnancy, something I had forbidden myself to do during the trying years. I read all I could find about PCOS and fertility and conception. It gave me some kind of control and direction. I am now going from IF geek to pregnancy dummy. Kinda like when you go from being the oldest and knowing everyone at elementary school to becoming the youngest and knowing nobody at high school. Without the zits and the fluo sweatpants.
My kiwi seed
It's supposed to be measuring around 5 mm. It's heart may be beating. I still talk to it everyday.
My honey
I love him so much. He is so sweet and caring. He seems happy, but things are even more sureal to him than they are to me. He bought and installed a hammock in the backyard so I could "rest my belly" this summer. How cute is that?
Our world
I told my girlfriend M. She was very happy. It felt good telling someone in real life! ;)
Our love story
Nine years ago, you kissed me for the first time. Nine years ago, you broke the walls I had built up around me. You had waited for me for so long. I loved you, I knew it, but just couldn't dare let go of my defenses. I was afraid you would hurt me like the others before. I was afraid you would get tired of me. Most of all, I was afraid of losing the best friend you had become.
We had known each other for two years. We saw each other every day in school. And for a year, we had been always together. As time went by, we grew closer and closer. Our complicity and our minds so alike made us inseparable friends. I felt good with you. I was respected, supported, loved. I finally felt I could be myself. In fact, I learned who I really was because of you.
I liked your presence, the way you looked at me, your smile, because they were all full of trust and friendship. I had never had a friend like you before. And I was very afraid of spoiling it all by going further.
Do you rememeber that day at the ice-cream stand? Our eyes locked, our breathing slowed, our mouths got closer... and then I got stupid and scared and I started talking about nothing and everything. How lucky am I that you didn't give up at that moment! Oh what would I have missed if you hadn't kept trying!
We have had our share of hard times together. For a moment we even took different paths, though not very far away from each other. The challenges life threw in our way made our couple stronger. With you, I have had the courage and determination to go on and reach our dream. For you to become a dad was a big motivation for me to keep trying in spite of everything. With you, I have become stronger. With you, I want to live this dream to the fullest.
You helped me become what I am today, and for that I thank you. You showed me I am unique, independant and worthy of my own trust and love. You showed me how to keep my chin up, walk straight ahead and not to live in the past. More than once, you have pushed me into doing something I thought was impossible. You always trusted me and my strength. You have proven to me I was worthy of your love, of any love.
You are my best friend, my love, my partner, my accomplice. I love you.
Our home
One year ago today, we slept for the first time in our little house. Our first house, the first place we called home with genuine pride.
We had spent a couple of weeks painting, renovating, cleaning and planning. We were then living at my dad's because our landlore had decided to make us leave by destroying our place. A big stupid story I prefer to forget now. So we had moved just a few items to my dad's, what we needed for 3 months. On June 4th, we moved that stuff to our house. In an almost empty house, on a mattress on the floor, we spent our first night at our home. And we slept like logs! The day after, the movers brought back the rest of our stuff that had been stored for the last 3 months. Lots of cleaning and unpacking ahead! Finally, we had a place to call our own!
For one year, we have been living in this little suburbian house. It's not much, it's far from being a castle. But it's ours. For people outside of our world, it will almost seem as if it was planned: they bought their first house and 1 year and a half later, they had their first child. That's how it works, right? Well, in movies, maybe...
I can't wait to welcome a child in this house. I can't wait to redo the room and hang a little mobile. I can't wait to see toys of every color of the rainbow scattered all around the house, to hear a tiny pure laugh and small feet running across the room. I know it's still far away, and so not garanteed to happen yet, but the more I think about it, the more the dream seems doable. If I could just... stretch... my fingers... a little more... I can almost touch it!
