I feel old
Today, I feel old. Physically, I am no different than yesterday. But today, I aged a year. Today, I turned 29. My last year as a twenty-something. I don't feel 29, I don't think I look 29. But I can't escape it.
I don't think 29 is old. At least, not when other people say they're 29. I just don't like thinking that next year, I'll be 30... It seems like a huge step and I don't feel like I'm ready. But hey, what can I do?
I always wanted to have 3 children before I turned 25. Well that didn't happen. I changed it to 30. Unless I get pregnant with twins soon (ah ah!), there's no chance that's gonna happen either. I don't mind. I knew, when we started struggling with infertility, that I might have to change my dream again. So... 3 kids before 35 sounds reasonable, right? And still possible. Six years to have two other kids sounds fine. How I hope it'll come true...
When I look at 35 year-old women I know, man, do they look young. So why is 30 making me feel so uneasy? Is it because when I was young and wondered where I would be at 30, I never thought I would be here? Is it because 30 sounds so adult, so grown-up? I don't know... and I'm not there yet. So I might as well enjoy what is left of my twenties.
So, for my birthday, I give you the mic, readers. You can ask me anything you want to know. :)
And by the way, thank you all very much for your input about Paty. You helped me a lot.
What should I do?
Remember my friend Paty, who was pregnant and told me she "didn't have the time" to tell me? After the emails, I sent her cards. She answered with more bs. I didn't write back. I knew she told me about her pregnancy just because my shower was coming up. If she hadn't been invited to the shower, I'm pretty sure I would have known about her pregnancy much later.Or never.
She never called or wrote after that either. Not to appologize for not coming to my shower, not ask me how I was doing, if I had the baby yet, nothing. I mean, I know it's not all about me, but when a supposedly close friend of mine is close to her due date, I call her. I ask about her. Anyway, when Félix was born, I sent an eamil to the people who didn't call or were not on my parents/in-laws email address book. I didn't have time to call everyone with the baby, the trouble with breasfeeding and all. So she got my email, saying Félix was born, how things went in a couple of words, how happy and in love we were, etc. She sent an email back, congratulating me. I was glad to read her email, to see she still thought I was at least worth 5 minutes of her precious time. She said in her email that she wanted to come by with another friend of hers (whom I know). She also told me about her pregnancy a little. What pissed me in all of her emails is that she never seemed thrilled to be expecting. She talked about the physical side of the pregnancy, but never said anything like "I'm so excited" or "I can't believe how lucky we are".
I wrote her back, telling her she could can come visit anytime. I was ready to see her. Let's get it over with, once and for all. Let's see her big belly. I don't know why, but the thought of her with a round belly bothered me more than anything else. She wrote me back, telling me she would come a certain date. We were going out that night, so I called her to tell her and set another date. We talked for about 30 minutes, mostly about her, the fact that she was now on maternity leave, that she had gained 32 pounds (at barely 6 months)... When I told her that the thing I missed the most about being pregnant was feeling the baby kick, she said "Really?!" as if I had told her I missed having swollen feet. So she told me she would call me back when she and her friend could come. I don't know why she wanted to come with her friend. She has a car, she doesn't work, so why? Too afraid to face me alone?
Of course, she never called me back. My son is 4 months old and she has not seen him yet.
I didn't stop thinking about her, wondering if she had given birth, if she was ok. But I was too proud to call her. The truth is, she really hurt me by not coming to my baby shower and not appologizing for it. And I'm trying to justify how I feel with all sorts of little bad things she did, when in fact, I am really only pissed about the shower and the fact that as a friend, she did not aknowledge that this was real important to me and it would only happen once. I might have other babies, but I'll never have my first child again and I'll never have a baby shower again.
She sent me an email last week. Me and 15 other people, so it was nothing personnal. She said that her son was born, she said every little thing that went bad and that was it. No "we are so happy to welcome him in our lives", no "we are so blessed", no "we proudly present..." None of that. I thought a lot about it. At first I didn't want to answer. But I thought I was bigger than that, so I wrote her a little note. I told her that her email was very negative and that I hoped she was now happy with her new baby. I wished her lots of happiness with her new family. And I said "enjoy it while you can because it's true what they say: time flies by!"
She did not answer and I don't expect her to. I wish I didn't lose her as a friend, but at the same time, I keep wondering why I would want to keep her around. She has always been a bad friend, a very bad listener and she was never there for all the important events of my life. She obviously did not care enough about my son to come and visit me while she could (and she lives only 20 minutes away from my home). Now that her son is born, I guess I'm the bad guy for not visiting her... I have lots of friends I don't talk to on a regular basis. But when something big happens, we're there for each other. If we don't call each other for 3 months, when we finally talk to each other, it's like we saw each other the day before. But with Paty, it's not like that. She stops calling, I don't call either. Months pass. I finally decide to call and she always tells me "well, you sure didn't give a lot of news!" Wth? You have 10 fingers, you can dial a number too!
I am a loyal friend. Not a perfect friend, but a loyal and honnest one. I have a real hard time letting people go. I hate ditching friends, even the bad ones. I'm not desperate for friends, as I am a solitary person. But I hate thinking I let a friend down. It's not in me.
So now, I am wondering if I should send her a card or a gift. I don't feel like she 'deserves' it, but at the same time, I don't want to be the bad friend who didn't even send a card when her son was born. She is that friend, not me. Is it only pride? Because I don't really want to keep her as a friend, so I owe nothing to her. I don't know what to do. Was my email enough?
Nobody around me understands this because nobody went through what we did. That's why I am asking you guys because I know there are people out there who understand. So, any suggestions?
Over at Casa de Kiwi
Yes, I know, I am a really lame blogger! I don't know how many times I can play the newborn card, but man! times does fly by when you have a little baby boy in your life! Not to make excuses or anything, since some of you sneaky gals (hi Dooney!) know that I upload my French blog quite often. But with Félix, work that has been crazy (my semi-annual contract is going on now), the sun that is finaly showing itself, and writing my other blog, well... I got little time left to translate my posts in English. But! I will try very hard in the next few weeks to catch up and translate it all. I also have a Meme to do (Ally, I know you tagged me, I haven't forgotten!). And a thing I want to discuss with my fellow infertile and formerly infertile bloggers. But for now, some news about me, my kid and our new life.
Félix is doing great. He is getting so big! And by big, I mean BIG! He is now 4 months old (already?!) and he weights 20 pounds and measures 26 inches. He even has one tooth! Sometimes I think I gave birth to a 3 months old baby! But he was so tiny when he was born (7 pounds 11 ounces)... I must have real good milk! Or it must be cream! Because yes, I am still breastfeeding and it is going great. Well, except this week, because of his new tooth, my right nipple is on fire. But still, I am so proud I kept with breastfeeding. It is so easy and natural now. I love that special connection I have with my son. And I love every fold and every ounce of baby fat he has because I gave him that. I fed him with MY body, MY milk. That, to me, is pretty amazing.
Life with our boy is so much fun! He is such a good boy, always smiling. He is very calm, never cries, is never fussy. He laughed for the first time a couple of weeks ago and my heart melted. They always say it's the most beautiful sound in the world, but nothing could have prepared me for that moment. Oh the love! My heart is about to explode every morning I wake up next to him, smiling at me, putting his little hands in my face. He is not a big laugher though. He hasn't laughed a lot since the first time, so we savour every little laugh we get out of him.
We are all doing well together. We have our little routine. P went back to work at the end of March, I started working back in March too, but since I am self-employed and working from home, it's not that bad. I try not to take too many contracts, but I still have to make a living. Consealing work and being a mom wasn't easy at first, but now things are going smooth. I think the fact that he now can entertain himself a little more helps a lot. I can put him in his high chair for about an hour with toys so I can work a little. If I could choose, I would never have to work again. But since we cannot, for now, live with only one salary, I do the minimum of work required to get by.
I, for myself, am doing good too. I am now 5 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, which is a big accomplishment for me. I still want to lose a few more pounds. Since I am pcos, I always tried to lose weight and never could. Now that I seem able to, I will try and lose that 10% they always talk about. I'm not too far from that, so I hope it will help when we get to try for baby #2.
I know people like to know "how the story ends"... what it's like, motherhood after infertility. Too many bloggers stop writing after becoming a mother. I understand why, but I too, like to know how things go, after all the pain and the false hopes. I want to talk about being a new mom, about my son, about how much my love for him has changed how I look at life. But finding my place, my new place, isn't easy. But I swear I'll be back soon and often.
