Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Thursday, October 27, 2005


Last Monday, I had my diabetes test. I had already done this test at the fertility clinic, so I knew what to expect. One big glass of orange stuff to drink, a couple of burps, 2 hours sitting there, waiting to get my blood drawn and that was it.

Tuesday, I had my follow-up appointment (since I missed it last week). The nurse called the hospital to get my GD resuslts and everything is fine. I am so glad this is done! One less thing to stress about. Everything is good with me and the baby, but my doctor wants me to try and stop gaining so much weight. I have gaines a total of 14 pounds, which doesn't sound that bad when we consider I am 6 months along. But the fact that I gained these 14 pounds in the last 8 weeks worries my doctor. I don't need to diet, just to be careful. It's not like I did it on purpose. I eat very well, except for a couple poutines in the last few months. But I will try and be careful because I've always had a hard time losing weight. I might as well try and don't have too much to lose in 3 months. But hey, if I gain weight, so be it. Just as long as the baby and I are healthy.

Next stop, my 3D ultrasound next week. This one is just for fun, but I can't wait! We're gonna have a DVD! Wow, baby is gonna be on a DVD before even being born, how amazing is technology?

And to conclude this quite boring update post, for those interested, here's a link to my last belly shot. You can compare it to the 22 weeks one and the 17 weeks one. You kinda see where the 14 extra pounds went...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

6 months

Unbelievable. I wake up one morning and realize I am 26 weeks pregnant. I realize that in 3 months, if everything continues to go well, I'll be holding my little boy in my arms. And I panic a little. The room is not done, I almost haven't bought anything (an embargo from my mom, I'll tell you about it later), I haven't read what I wanted to read, I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to take, I didn't see the time go... and I still know nothing about babies!!!

Besides the normal panic and fears I guess every mom-to-be goes through, I am feeling a immense happiness to be 6 months along. I feel so priviledged, so lucky to be living this adventure, even if it took a long time to embark on it. Six beautiful months, without anything bad or any problem. Well, I gotta say, my pregnancy isn't as perfect and pink as it could be, but it is perfect for me. I am now living some annoying stuff, but nothing big and surely nothing to complain about. I feel like pregnancy has finally caught up with me. Not only has my belly grown a lot in the last month, but my back is killing me and I have a hard time getting out of bed (where o where are my abs?). I've also had a few carpal tunnel aches, I walk like a duck and I have wet round spots on my pajama tops when I wake up. But none of that matters. None of that comes even close to the emotional hardship we went through. None of that is worth complaining or whining. I appreciate every moment, good or bad, of this pregnancy. Every kick, every movement feels like I won the lotery.

I have waited and hoped for that moment for quite some time, I almost didn't believe it would ever happen. Now that I am right in the middle of it, I still have a hard time believing it sometimes. They went by so fast, the last 5 months with Pépin. For weeks, I rubbed my flat belly every time I felt a cramp or a pull, imploring Pépin to stick with me, to stay with us. I promised him tons of kisses and a mountain of ice cream if he stayed with me for 8 more months. I cried from fear of losing him. I kept myself from being happy, fearing my happiness would be stolen from me like last time. I talked to him all the time, telling him all the good reasons why he should stick with us. I thought that with my infertile rage and bitterness, I would never be able to fully appreciate the pregnancy. It took me a long time, but I made it. To appreciate my pregnancy and to be smiling with joy doesn't make us part of the fertile team nor does it make our journey to get there less painful. But I now believe that we have been unhappy long enough, not only do I have the right to be happy, but I owe it to myself. I owe it to us, to P and to all the infertile couples who still dream about becoming parents. I have the right to scream how happy I am, I have the right to not want to think about how bad it could go (which doesn't mean I forget), I have the right to rub my belly in public, I have the right to blush with love when baby kicks behind my navel. I won these rights, and everything that comes with it, paid for them with my sweat and tears.

In 3 months, Pépin will enter our lives on a new level. In 3 months, we will be parents. Until then, I intend to live fully every moment I have with him so close to me. If 6 months went by that fast, I don't even wanna think about how fast the next 3 will go!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Was it a surprise?

I have a contract that comes twice a year, every 6 months. Today was the beginning, so I had to go to the office in Montréal. I took the bus to get there, since it's much faster and simpler that way. I entered the bus and a nice lady offered me her seat! I was so touched by her nice gesture and, I must say, a little proud that it finally showed enough for others to see.

I hadn't told my coworkers I was pregnant, since last time I saw them was at the very beginning of the pregnancy. I wanted to see the look on their faces when I returned, 6 months later, with a big belly. They were quite surprised and it didn't take long before everybody was asking me questions and giggling. A coworker asked me if it was a surprise or if it was planed. I said we had been trying for 3 years. She said "oh, so he is very wanted and desired! You must be SO happy!" with a huge smile. That was nice! And when the boss asked me the same question and I gave her the same answer, she asked me if I had to take meds to get pregnant. I told her yes and she said "so it was hard for you guys to get pregnant..." with sincere sadness. I was very surprised by the kindness of these women, whom I hardly know.

While we were ttc, I didn't like being asked about it, so I almost never spoke about it. Now that I am pregnant, I feel the need to talk about it. It's important for me to say that it wasn't easy, that it took us a long time. Not to get their pity, but to make sure they don't mistake me for a fertile. It's not what we are. Even if infertility has been very hard an demanding, it's part of us and it's important for me to show it. Also, I think we never know who around us might be infertile. So I'm thinking if a person going through infertility hears me say it took us a long time and talk about our treatments, maybe it would give them a little hope. I know, before I was pregnant, I hated the sight of any round belly, infertile or not. So I don't expect infertile couple to look at me with admiration and hope. But maybe they could see that yes, sometimes, it happens and I am not ashamed of what it took us to get here. Or maybe I just want to be sure they don't hate me because they think I am fertile, but only because I am pregnant...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Where's my head again?

I had an appointment this morning. I always find it hard to wait 4 weeks between appointments. So when the time comes, I'm all excited and anxious to hear the baby's heart and see how many pounds I have gained.

So we went to the clinic early this morning. P always takes some time off work to come with me, which I really appreciate, since he cannot really miss that much work. We arrive at the clinic only to learn that my appointment wasn't today but last Tuesday! Argh! I hate when I do that! How could I have put the wrong date on my calendar? I was so pissed! Of course, they could not see me today so I had to reschedule. Now I have to wait 5 more days to hear Pépin's heart and I have to go alone because P won't be able to come next week. This makes me sad, it's my fault. Oh well, what can I say, I am very distrated lately.

I got a little sticker with the date and time of my next appointment. I put it on the fridge where I will be able to see it everyday. Let's hope this time I don't miss it...

Monday, October 17, 2005

New rooms

Lats week, P took the week off so we could work on the house. Or should I say in the house. I could not take the week off because of big contracts, so he did most of the work by himself. What a man!

We completely redid the basement. We hadn't touched it since we moved here more than a year ago. It was full of furniture we didn't use, the walls were painted an ugly color and it was really not warm and welcoming. Since we decided that P's office would become the baby's room, we needed to rearrange things in the basement. We painted the walls and ceillings, changed our bookcases, cleaned everything, painted the stairs, placed the things differently... So our basement is now really pretty and P has a nice office with all his computer stuff and guitars. We still need to put up some light fixtures, window treatement and a part of the ceilling, but that's it. Before and after pictures to come, when everything is done.

P worked his butt off last week. He got up early and went to bed late. So he also painted the baby's room. It feels so weird walking in there and seeing blue paint on the walls. I have a feeling I will be daydreaming a lot in this room in the weeks to come. I always dreamed of a baby's room, imagined it, but never trully believed I would get there one day. And there we are. I can't wait to place the furniture, hang the little clothes in the closet, sit in the rocking chair, waiting... It's another little piece of the dream coming true, slowly...

Monday, October 10, 2005

It's still hard

I was talking to my mom and she told me that my big brother (the one who got married this summer) and his wife now want a house an a baby. She then said "she stopped taking the pill. It's about time!" What a stupid comment... But that's not even what I want to talk about now...

I did not think it would still bother me at this point. I thought that now that I am pregnant and more than half-way to a baby, I wouldn't mind as much as I did before. I guess there are still many unresolved issues regarding this whole infertility thing, because it does bother me. It bothers me, not the right way and I can't fully understand why. Of course, when we were still TTC, I would dread the day my brother would tell us they were expecting. That's pretty normal. I feared I would become an aunt before becoming a mother. It was one of my biggest fears, as we all know SIL all are super-fertile. But it bothers me still, and the fact that it bothers me, bothers me even more. Of course, I would be happy for them. I wouldn't wish infertility on anybody. But it bugs me to think they could achieve in one try what we did in 3 years. Once again, the stupid sibbling rivalry, where my brother always got his way, easily, while I've always had to struggle just to get by.

Oh well, I should stop worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet... She still needs to get pregnant, right?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

We're not that dumb

I knew, when I learned I was pregnant, that I would be facing all sorts of comments beginning with "oh you'll see..." and "just a little advice..." I knew people would want to share their knowledge and educate us, poor little childless couple. During my years of infertility, I heard too many "you're so lucky not to have kids!" For years I was told, indirectly, that I knew nothing if I didn't have kids.

Alright, I KNOW there are lots of things I don't know. I know we won't learn these things before living them. I also know people mean no harm, they only want to share their experience, believing they are being helpful. I hate the way they make me feel though, when they want to help. I feel so stupid and ignorant because there are so many things I still don't know. Alright I get it, you are so much more intelligent and bigger than I am because you have kids. People often forget they once were in our shoes.

When we started trying, I knew next to nothing about conception and fertility. It wasn't long before I was reading all I could find on the net and at the library, asking questions, searching anwers and learning so much stuff. I've never been ashamed of saying I didn't know something. I have faced a lot of ignorance and insensibility during those years, but I was also friend with a few supportive people who respected me. Things have not changed because I am now pregnant. I am still friend with these people and I still can read and search the internet. Many of my friends have kids and are now very happy to answer my numerous questions. Yes, I do ask a lot of questions, because, let's face it, I know nothing about babies. I'm not ashamed of asking or searching. With them, I don't feel dumb for not knowing certain things and my friends are really respectful and patient.

But there are certain people who believe it it their duty to educate us. There's nothing I hate more than unsollicited assvice. If I don't ask, I don't need it. Sometimes I feel people don't trust our intelligence. Oh, they never had kids, how could they know? they say. I know perfectly well there are tons of things I still don't know, and I'm fine with the idea or learning them as we go, by ourselves. I appreciate my friends' help when I ask for it. But to be told "you should do this and that" without asking, I don't appreciate at all. I didn't when it had to do with conception, I still don't now that it has to do with parenting.

My mother, for example, really doesn't trust us. We bought our stroller and car seat and she asked us a thousand times if we were sure the baby would be safe. The kit is new. We spent 20 minutes talking with police officers about child safety in cars, asking questions and reading flyers. We compared models, asked around, searched the internet. Are we that dumb that we're not able to buy a good safe car seat for our baby? It's not because it has changed since 25 years that it's no longer safe, mom.

Another example. A friend of mine has 2 kids, both going to school now. They never wore cotton diapers, but she takes the time to tell me about how much a hassle they are, how much time I will lose cleaning them and all that. Tell me, what credibility does she have on the subject, compared to those other moms I talked to, who actually used the cotton diapers and are satisfied? I read about all this, I asked a friend to tell me everything about it since she is using them at the moment. I don't need the unsollicited opinion of a mom who never used them.

This might be our first kid, my might still be amateurs in the subject of parenting, but I'm pretty sure we are still able to use our heads to make the right decisions.

I know people mean no harm, exactly like when they told us to relax to get pregnant. The intention is good, the message isn't.