I want another one
I try not to think about it, I try to be reasonable and patient. I try, but I don't succeed. I want another baby. There's a battle inside of me because I cannot simply say "let's have another baby" and do it. For me, wanting another baby would mean start on the fertility meds again. And for that, I need to wean my son. For "normal" people, wanting a second child is a big decision, but after making that decision, there's nothing left to do but make the baby. They can say "I want my kids to be close in age" and do it.
Yes, I know we all know someone who got pregnant without even trying the second time around after having a hard time for the first one. I wish it would be me. But I'm not fooling myself. I know PCOS isn't cured by pregnancy.
And part of the battle inside of me is because of where I come from. I can no longer really call myself infertile, since I have a baby. And I can no longer whine about not being successful tryng, since I did succeed once. There are still so many coules out there trying for their first child. I would feel stupid and selfish if I complained. It would seem unfair to those still waiting for their first successful pregnancy.
I want another baby. Now. Yes, I'm in a hurry. As soon as Felix was out of my belly, I wanted to get pregnant again. I want to start trying again, but I don't want to wean Felix *just* for this. It would be selfish. I would deprive him of my milk just because I want another child. It would be putting my wants before his needs. So I'm kinda tore between breastfeeding and trying for baby #2. And I feel guilty to be thinking about any of this when I have my perfect little boy right here with me, making me oh so happy. I feel trully blessed to have him in my life, I do. But my family isn't complete. I want to give him a sister or a brother. I want to live all this again. My womb is screaming to bear life once again.
When a friend tells me about her children waking up and whispering to each other in the morning, thinking that she's still asleep and doesn't hear them, my heart melts. When I see a big brother kissing his newborn little sister, my ovaries ache. I want another child and it hurts just to think about it.
I'm not making myself miserable with any of this, don't get me wrong. Still... the impatience and urgency of the dream are back. This stupid bio clock is ringing again, after a quick snooze. I want another baby. Right. Now.
So, I thought and thought about all this. I've come with a plan, to help calm myself. I wanted to breastfeed Felix at least 6 months. He turned 7 months 2 days ago and he,s still exclusively breastfed. I would love to continue until he's a year old, but I do feel that if I had to stop now, I would feel I gave him the best and would not regret a thing. So let's say I stop breastfeeding at 9 months. After 3 months without having my period (I have a feeling weaning won't make it come back), I will go back to my dr. Let's say it takes about a year of trying after that (I'm quite optimistic here), then pregnancy... Felix would be about 3 years old when the baby would be born. It seems like ages away!
During our 3 years trying for Felix, we tried so many different recipes before finding something that worked. And I'm convinced the injectibles helped, even though I did not take any on the cycle I got pregnant with Felix. I just hope I will be able to start where we left. I hope I won't have to start all over again.
So I'm anxious to be back in the game. I'm anxious to be doing something. I'm not anxious about the two week wait, the failed cycles, the charts, the pills, the mood swings, the evil side effects, the pain, the sadness... I'm afraid it will take a long time again. I'm afraid I'll be too absorbed by all this and pay less attention to my son. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay zen and patient and let nature (ah!) take its course. I'm afraid it won't work.
My two SILs are pregnant, my best friend too (on the first try too, if you wondered). That makes me very vulnerable. It takes me to a much too familiar place. Brings me back to the shoes I used to wear. And they're not confortable. Even if I know them very well.
Aunt
As infertiles, or ex-infertiles, we all know about the evil fertile SIL. Every infertile has a fertile SIL, it's the law, right?
Well, I have two.
Back in June, my BIL (P's brother) calls us and tells P they're expecting. Like that, out of nowhere. Of course, it was an accident. But they're happy. I later chat with my SIL. I ask her what her EDD is. When she tells me, I notice she's only 4 weeks pregnant. So they told the whole world as soon as the peestick was dry. Wow. I wonder what it feels like to be so blissfully naive. I wish them no arm, really. But it's kinda weird for me when someone announces their pregnancy to the whole world (and not only to internet friends, you know) as soon as they pee on a stick.
At least they had the sensibility to call us and tell us privately instead of making an ambush announcement at the family dinner we had a couple of days later.
I am very happy for them. But I can't help feeling a little jealous. I didn't think I would be, since I'm a mom and all. But the little infertile that had been sleeping for a while inside of me woke up and felt like crap.
Then, two weeks later, I was chatting with my older brother. I asked him if he wanted us to buy a present from all the children to my dad for his birthday, like we always do. He said no, this year I'll give him something and you give him something. I half-jokingly asked him if he was going to give my dad the same thing I gave him last year for his birthday (a box announcing my pregnancy). I knew his wife was off the pill, so I knew it would be coming sooner or later. He said no, that's not it and laughed.
Of course, I was right. They gave my dad a photo album from their wedding and signed the card "from the 3 of us". Everybody was happy. I was too. Even if her EDD is on Felix's birthday. And even if it worked on the first try. Of course it did.
So there you have it. I'm gonna be an aunt twice in about 5 months. And most of the days, I'm happy about it.
Because it's powerful
After reading Ally's post, Kristin's post and Kateri's post, I want to show you my nursing picture. Because it's beautiful. Because it's a powerful thing, to feed your baby with your body. And because we need to show these. I love breastfeeding. I never thought it would become so important to me. I never thought I would feel so strongly about it. I tell you, it's powerful.
First time breastfeeding
At about 5 weeks
At 8 weeks
At 4 and a half month. Looking up at mommy.
Stuff
Let's try and make up for the lack of posting. I started translating my posts from my French blog, but until it's all done, here are some news...
Félix turned 6 months last week, already! He is getting very big and tall. He can now sit by himself without falling flat on his nose. He has 3 teeth now. He laughs a LOT (as you can see in my last post) and my heart melts every time. For that sound alone, I think the struggle was worth it.
I am still exclusively breastfeeding and loving it. I never thought I would love breastfeeding so much. It is so simple now. He nurses 5 times a day, for about 15 minutes each. He sleeps through the night. He latches by himself, pulling my breast to his mouth with his hands if I'm taking too much time. He's a little ogre! And the look in his eyes when the milk spills in his mouth is piriceless. When I look at all the folds on his tighs, his arms, his chins, I can't help but feel so much pride in thinking that I did this. I fed him, with my body, my milk. For me, it's a continuation of the pregnancy. And God knows I loved pregnancy.
I gave him cereals for the first time last Saturday. He didn't seem to hate it nor love it. Maybe I'll have more success with vegetables.
I lost lots of weight. I am now 11 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight (and I had gained 40 pounds total during pregnancy). Exercise, healthy eating and breastfeeding. And no fertility treatment for more than a year. No fancy tricks or diets for me. I am trying to lose the 10% the dr always says to lose when you're pcos. We'll see. Almost there.
I started to work back in March, 5 weeks after giving birth. I work from home, so I still spend my days with my son. Only now, he's sitting in his pack n play while I'm working (or blogging, whatever). I had a real hard time in June because of a really big contract, but it's over now. Enjoying the summer while I can.
Since I'm still breastfeeding Félix, no sign of my period yet. I did not want to take birth control pills after giving birth. It just sounded illogical for me, after so many years TRYING to get pregnant, now I would want to AVOID it? No way. But we do want to start trying for baby number 2 soon. More on that later.
I haven't sent anything to Paty. I haven't called her. I don't care anymore. She's out of my life for good and it feels very liberating.
Ok, enough with the boring stuff. On with the translating. See you in a bit.
