Dreams
We all have dreams. They change and evolve all our life. Some dreams we let go at some point, others get more important. Some dreams follow us since we are kids, others appear during our adult life.
I've had a lot of dreams since I can remember. I've always been a dreamer, I could look at the sky for hours, lost in my thoughts, imagining all sorts of things. I've given up many of my dreams in my life. I also modified a lot of them so I would not have to give them up. No matter what place I was in my life, no matter what were the dreams I had at that time, it was always a dream that kept me going.
When I was a kid, I had, well, kids dreams. I wanted to become a princess, with the big dresses like Sissi. My father's National Geographic mags really impressed me, so I wanted to become an archeologist, like Indiana Jones. I dreamed I was an only child, I dreamed I had no parents, I dreamed I was rich, I dreamed every impossible thing.
One big dream I cherished for many years was to become a professionnal dancer. I took dance lessons from the time I was 5 and loved it. I loved to dance, to give myself up to the music. I forgot everything while I was dancing. I took folklore classes, jazz classes, modern dance and flashdance classes. The only problem was, I had absolutely no talent. I have no sense of rythm, I'm not flexible, I don't move that well. So, I gave that dream up.
I dreamed about many careers. Some not seriously, like archeology, but others much more seriously, like journalism. I have always loved to write, so I thought this was a great way to join work and passion. For years, I thought I wanted to become a journalist. I based all the studies in our Career classes in school on the fact that I was gonna be a journalist. The tests said it was a job for me, but on the back of my mind, I knew it was not meant to be. I am not curious that way, I don't like to bother people and ask questions. I love to learn, research, read, but by myself. So I gave that up too. I have no regrets today because I love what I do.
I have one dream that's been following me and that never left my side since I was little. Writing. I have tons of notebooks full of poems and short stories, a couple of novels, some scenarios... I have a box full of diairies I have written non-stop since I was ten when I received my first diary, with the little lock on the front. I have never stopped writing, and I don't think I ever could. I've never found a better way to express myself, empty my heart and keep my head sane. I continue on living this dream everyday, I keep it deep in my heart, like a dirty secret. I don't dream of being read or even of being published. All I want is to write. That my words go by unread, I don't mind, as long as I keep writing them. Writing is for me a permanent dream, that keeps coming true every day.
Since my young years, many dreams came and went. I dreamed of having my own company, I am now self-employed. I dreamed of having a house with a garden, I do now. I dreamed of travelling, I did not. I dreamed of becoming slim and tall... oh well, we can't have everything we wish for. When I met P, many new dreams appeared. I wanted to live with him, make a life with him, have kids with him. We moved in together and had a life together. The kids took longer... When I was 17, I said that if I had no boyfriend by the time I was 20, I would get a IUI and have kids by myself. Oh how naive I was! Fortunately, P changed my way of seeing the future. I still wanted to have kids at a young age, but I realised I had to live a little before being there in my life. I wanted 3 kids by the time I was 25, like my mother. When things did not work out as I had planed, I changed my dream a little. Alright, 3 kids by the time I'm 30. Infertility changed everything, in spite of us. I've had a hard time changing that dream. I never thought of giving it up, it was too important to me. But every change I made gave my heart a little shiver. I was changing a part of me.
Today, I'm dreaming of having the kid I'm carrying. I dream about it's birth, seeing him/her grow, seeing him/her dream. If we have more kids, than good for us. If not, I will have no regrets. Yes, the dream was to have 3 kids by age 25, but now it's to have at least one by age 30. It took a long time to sink in. It was a big part of me I was letting go. But I knew that keeping this dream alive, even if sometimes it was a bit shaky, is what kept me going and trying. Sometimes people tell me I'm strong. No. I'm very, very stubborn and I beleive strongly in my dreams. I'm not the strong one, my dreams are.
The in-laws
Last weekend, we went to my IL's place in the woods for P's birthday. He turned 30, so I kinda expected they had planned something special for him. P's cousin, A, was coming along with us. She's like a sister to him, so it was only natural she was there.
When we arrived, the FIL looks at me and says "well, you're not gonna be able to hide it much longer" looking at my belly. What kind of a comment is that? It doesn't even show when I'm dressed! Anyway, I let this go, being from the FIL, who always says awkward and awful things. Much more so when he's drunk, and I'm pretty sure he was at the time.
Well, here's what the IL had planned for P's birthday. His brother wasn't even there. They had invited and old aunt because it was her birtday too. P likes his family, you know, because he has to. But he would never invite his aunt to his birthday party. Anyway, they had also invited an other aunt and her husband, who P's is not close to at all. They came along with their son, who's 4o and has never worked in his entire life and is still living with his parents. P hates that cousin, really. I hate him too. He disgusts me and really gets on my nerves. Why o why would they invite him to P's party? The answer is simple, because we were not only celebrating P's 30th birthday, but his uncle's birthday and his old aunt's birthday too. So not only did P have to suffer the presence of people he didn't like, but he did not even have the honor to have one night just for him. One night people, one diner, one cake, not a lot to ask! His parents, his brother, celebrating HIS birthday.
I was SO pissed at his parents! I know P was very, very sad and disappointed, but he never said a word. And it makes me even more sad because I'm no better, I did not plan a party for his 30th birthday. I tried, but he doesn't have that many friends, and they don't mix with each other. So instead, I took him to a nice restaurant for diner, just the two of us.
But back to the FIL, because he said something else to me. While I was taking a nap in the afternoon, P told some people about the pregnancy. I did not see who was there, I did not know who knew when I got up. Later, when P was blowing his part of the candles, FIL wanted to take a picture of us in front of the cake (whatever!). We smiled, looking at the camera. Instead of pushing the button, FIL asks me "does everybody know? Did you tell everybody?" in a loud whisper. I'm sitting there, still smiling, thinking just take the fucking picture and we'll discuss after! It turned out some people did not know, so to announce it, he said "Well, as you may have seen, Kiwi is now overweight. She has gained some weight..." And there I am, staring at him, not believing my ears. What the hell are you saying? What kind of a way to announce a pregnancy is that?? Have you never learned you can never talk about a woman's weight? Oh. my. god. I was so mad at him! Especially since I haven't even gained weight, I even lost some! Stupid, stupid FIL. P thinks I take it too personally. Well yeah, he just insulted me, am I supposed to smile and forget all my life of struggling with my weight, forget all the efforts I have put to change my eating habits so I would not have to go through what my mother did? Weight is a very, very sensitive spot in our family. I'm the skinny one, I'm ok. But I have seen my mom do all the diets on the face of the earth. All my life, she has been unhappy about her weight (and she is overweight) and struggling with it. I have always paid attention to what I ate, how much I exercised, because I always feared becoming like my mom. I always knew if I stopped being careful, I would gain weight very fast. And because of PCOS, it has never be an easy task to lose even 5 pounds. Now that I'm pregnant, the fear is still there. I know now I have a good reason to gain weight, but I'm very afraid not to be able to lose it afterwards. But that's a whole other issue. Let's get back to my FIL.
Instead of appologizing, he said "oh well, she's pregnant" as if I had spoiled his good story.
P's brother has a dog. The IL love that dog, they remembered his name the first time they were told. We have had the same cat for over 7 years, but they still can't remember the name. They don't even remember she's a girl (in French, we say he or she to animals, not it). Anyway, that, I don't really care about. I know they don't give a damn about my cat, except to remind me that she bit my SIL 4 years ago (and only that one time). Anywho... The dog, they call it "the grandson". I have nothing against people acting as if animals were family members. I do it too, my cat's my girl. The thing is, it makes me very, very afraid that the FIL will call our baby "the grandson" or "the granddaughter" instead of by their name. And it makes me very, very afraid that he's gonna continue to call the dog his grandson even if we have a boy and he has a real grandson. I just don't like the idea of my kid being put to the same level as a dog. Of course, when I tried to say something about that, FIL simply said "oh the grandson is gonna love its cousin."
Is there a place where I can exchange my IL? Please please, pretty please?
Close to perfection
First trimester
I still can't believe it, the first trimester is over. A third of the pregnancy is done, already, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Pépin seems to be sticking well. Even if I know there are still risks after the 3 first months, I thinks about it less now. Where am I at, after 13 weeks?
My body
I now have a small belly, that can still go unnoticed if the person doesn't know. I can't wait to show more, but at the same time, I am not in a hurry. I like it the way it is, it helps me get used to the fact that my body is changing. I will soon need new bras though, because I am about to burst out of the ones I have. My breasts are hurting less now. I have not gained any weight, in fact I even lost some, despite the fact I'm eating like a pig and I haven't been sick at all. All my blood tests came back normal. I stopped taking Metformin and for now, things seem ok. I have had no nausea at all since the beginning. I've had some heartburn, but nothing bad. I am still constipated sometimes, that may be the most annoying thing I've had to endure, but still, really not that bad. I am still tired, from time to time. One day I will be full of energy and the next day I will want to sleep all afternoon. I get tired more easily while doing exercise, like biking or hicking. My hunger seems to be back to normal, or almost. No weird cravings, no getting up in the middle of the night for a snack. There's a lot of pulling going on in my belly since last week. My belly button is opening up. I've got some zits on my face proving my hormones are working hard. Of all those things happining to my body, absolutely nothing bothers me right now.
My heart
It finally took over the rest. I now let myself be happy. I have a right to be happy, I deserve it and I am now free to live it. I still feel small pangs of jalousy and frustration sometimes, but nothing big enough to spoil my happiness. Pregnant ladies seing life through pink tinted glasses still get on my nerves, but I'm starting to be able to ignore them. Or to get a small satisfaction by punching them in my dreams.
My head
I am starting to think differently. I think about stuff I never let myself think about or never thought I would ever think about. I no longer see myslef as a pregnant woman only, but also as a mom-to-be, which for me is a huge step. Beside things like the baby's room and the things to buy, I think a lot about what our lives will be like when the baby is here. I know no matter how much I think about it, I'll never be able to imagine anything close to reality. I still have 6 months to prepare myself, I'm not panicking yet, but I'm feeling we're gonna have to start planning soon. I also think a lot about my work and what I'm gonna do about it. As of today, I have no maternity leave. There's a new Provincial plan in the making, but if it doesn't work or if it's late or if there are big changes touching the self-employed (as I am), I will only rely on our savings. So we have decided to do just that and don't think about the provincial plan. If it happens, great, we're gonna have savings. If not, we're gonna be ok too. So for the months to come, we're cutting the fat and putting all our money in the piggy bank. But not only money is an issue when it comes to work. I still have to find a good solution for my clients. I have no employee, so I would need to find replacement. I would have to interview people and try them out because I don't want to put my own business in the hands of someone incompetent. It took me many years to build my name and reputation, I don't want anybody to ruin that in a second. I still have time to think about that, but it's a stress I don't like and would rather get rid of sooner than later. If we could live under only one salary, I'd give it all up and be a full-time stay at home mom. But we can't, at least not now.
My kiwiseed
I'm not feeling it yet. I would be lying if I said I didn't care, but I'm not in a hurry either. I like living things one at the time. I'm not one to want it all, right now. I take things as they come. Pépin has legs and toes, arms, hands, fingers, even nails, eyes, ears, mouth, all its organs... It measures around 7 cm from head to butt or 10 cm from head to heel. Bones are starting to develop. It moves, but only by relfex because the brain is still not fully functional. We talk to Pépin often. We love it so very much already, it's unbelievable. I put the pictures of the u/s in little frames in our bedroom. I can already feel a kind of love I had never felt before, and it's only beginning. It's there, we know it now, and we're patiently waiting.
My boyfriend
My love for him has grown even stronger in the last months. We are now linked by more than our love and respect for each other. The baby seems more real to him, now that he has seen it twice on a screen. He seems to be freely happy too and he doesn't let fear take over anymore. He is so nice and patient with me, which is not always an easy thing. He puts cream on my belly every night, a small gesture I absolutely adore.
Our world
We told my parents and brothers, his parents and brother, my grand-parents, some friends and a part of P's family. A lot of people still have no clue. I don't want to tell my good friends by email, but since we don't see each other very often, I will eventually have to tell them over the phone, unless they learn it when I'm in labor. Two big family reunions are on their way: on my side, my big brother's wedding and on P's side, the annual family gathering. Those two reunions already give me headaches. I mean, I can't wait for my brother's wedding. But I can already ear the stupid comments like "so, you finally found out how to do a baby!" or the same questions over, and over, and over... I am happy to live and share that happiness with my close family (and we're not even that close) but the rest of the family, that's different. I am a private person (yes yes!) and them feeling so involved in this makes me feel as if they entered my intimacy without my consent. I feel uneasy thinking about that, but I know I'm gonna have to get used to it. Just give me some time.
First veggies
Last week, I picked the first vegetables from my garden. Since then, I have already picked double that, and it's only beginning.
Zucchinis, anyone?
The last one
Last night, I took my last Metformin pill. Pépin and I are now alone facing the rest of this pregnancy. I must admit, I am pretty happy about it. I have been taking that pill everyday, 3 times a day, for the last year and a half. It's about time I leave this behind. But I'm also a bit uneasy, afraid even, to stop taking that pill. I had stopped only once, the first time I was pregnant. The nurse had told me to stop, so I did, and miscarried. On the back of my mind, I kinda blamed the fact I stopped the Met for my m-c, even if I know that's silly. My dr has told me after that to keep taking the Met until at least the 10th week. At my first appointment, he told me to stop at 13 weeks. So this time around, I was sort of leaning on this little pill to help me keep my baby. Now that I've reached the 13 weeks mark, 3 months, first trimester ending, I must let go. I have seen Pépin twice, doing fine. I have no reason now to worry. At least, not as much. The Met can do nothig for us now. I will feel free, not taking any medication whatsoever now. Free from the medical world that helped me reach my dream. From now on, we're au naturel.
So long MF! See ya in a year or so!
My big brother
I have never had a fantastic relation with my older brother. There were even times, as a teenager, when I trully, deeply hated him. Today, we get along ok. We are both out of our teenage crisis, I guess that must help.
When we told my dad and brothers about the pregnancy, my big brother was very happy for us. He asked me if I would have a belly at his wedding, on August 13. I told him maybe.
Then I left on vacation. When I came back and got some free time to log on MSN, he wrote to me. He said "I really have nothing to say... I just wanted to know how my nephew/niece was doing." How sweet is that? I was very touched. It was the first time ever he wrote to me without having a favor to ask or a joke to send me. I sent him a picture of the last u/s and he was very excited. He asked me when would I be able to know the gender, so I told him my next u/s would be on Aug. 26. He asked me if I would have a belly by then. I said maybe a small one. "And on my wedding day, will you have a belly?" "Probably", I said. "Yay! You're gonna have a belly on my wedding pictures!"
I must say I am surprised by his interest in my having a belly, but I am really touched at the same time. He seems sincerely happy for me and that's something new. I had not fully realised our own happiness was affecting people around us. I mean, I knew people were happy for us, but I did not think they would be so involved in our happy bubble as they are. I'm not complaining, but it feels weird. I have never shared anything with my family, I always have been very private towards them. For all the TTC long months, P and I were alone in our battle. Now that victory is in our grasp, everybody wants to share it with us. This is all new for me, I'm a little uneasy about it. But I'm also starting to like it! It feels weird to aknowledge that this baby will not only change P and mine's life, but the lives of our families too. They are part of that big beautiful change, no matter how much I wanted to keep it for myself.
Now I hope I do have a belly come August 13, I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone!
My first belly shot
I know, as an infertile, I hated to look at belly shots. But at the same time, I loved it. It kinda made me dream and cry at the same time. Can't look at it, but can't look away. I don't want to hurt anybody, so I won't be posting my picture online. Well, I am, but if you don't want to see it, don't click on the link. The last thing I want is for someone struggling with infertility to feel sad seing my jello belly.
P took many pictures of me and The bump, but I was never satisfied. Sometimes I looked as if I had a huge belly when actually, it was only bloating or constipation. But the 11 weeks picture is quite accurate. I don't have a huge belly yet and I'm not trying to or imagining I am. I am happy right now for the way I look, because not everyone knows about the baby yet. Those who do know tell me I show, but I'm sure that the ones not knowing don't see a difference. Girls putting their bellies out and saying they are HUGE at 7 weeks really get on my nerves. Maybe I read too much, maybe I am too logical, but anyway, for me, as long as I know the actual size of my baby and my uterus, I will know if the belly is real or bloating induced.
So if you want to see the 11 weeks bump, click here. If not, move along, I won't hold it against you.
A stubborn kiwi seed
On Wednesday the 13, I went for a second u/s, this one being part of the Prenatest (facultative testing for neural tube defects and trisomy). We are not considered at risk, but we decided to do the testing just to have another u/s. On my paper was writen I did not have to drink water, so I assumed it meant this u/s would be with a dildocam. No matter how many I have done, these are never fun. But hey, it was for a good cause right?
In the exam room, the dr tells me to lie down an the table. He did not say "take off your pants" so I immediately said "huh? it's ON the belly?!" like an idiot. He answered "yes, unless you insist." No no, that's ok, I won't miss the dildocam one bit! So he puts the thing (can anyone tell me how it's called in English?) on my belly and tries to find the baby. He pushes real hard and there it is, very blury on the screen. The dr tries different angles to get a better view, but after a few minutes, he tells me "oh well, the baby is very far in your uterus, we have no choice but to go vaginally." Ahahah! Seems I can't get rid of that wand after all!
But then, Pépin is so clear on screen. We see the toes, the hands, the legs, hi there little fella! The heart is beating, the baby's moving and daddy's crying. But the baby is showing us half its back, so the dr can't measure what he has to. He tries to make the baby turn by pushing on my belly a few times. Pépin moves, but not the way we want it to. The dr asks me to caugh, nothing. He pushes and pushes, pokes, pokes, nothing. Baby is very stubborn and does not want us to see its nose. Maybe it has its father nose already and is really complexed by it. When the u/s is done on the belly, the dr can move the thing every way around the baby, so it's easier to get the view he wants. With the dildocam, there's not as much room. For about 20 minutes, we watch baby wiggle while the dr tries to make it turn. And finally, Pépin turns and we can see its beautiful nose and face and the dr can measure all he wants while daddy and I go "oooh!" and "aaaah!" while watching our wee one on the screen. How it has changed since the last u/s! How it has grown! It measures 12w (I was 11w5d the day of the u/s) the heart is beating at 179 bpm, which is fast, but ok. So, the time of taking measures and taking a picture and the stubborn little baby is turning its back at us again.
Everything is fine and dandy! Had some blood drawn, then we left the office, our hearts ready to burst from joy and pride. My mind is at ease, well, for now at least. I am really starting to let myself be freely happy and hopeful and expecting. I am enjoying every minute I have with this baby.
I still feel it was only yesterday that my life was revolving around one dream: becoming a mom. It feels like yesterday, I was charting, counting days, hoping while trying to stay down-to-earth. Today, I know I am preganant. I got it now. What I still need to grasp is that I am going to be a mom. It still seems so surreal to me. My life has already completely changed since I got my positive test. And I know it's only the begining of a big chain of events and changes.
So many things to say
and so little time...I've been back from vacations since Saturday. But we don't go back to work until next Monday, so we're spending a lot of time outside, enjoying the time off. That means I don't have much time left for the Internet. I will try and get back at it next week, because my next two weeks of work are going to be quite relax (most of my clients are on vacations).
I just wanted to say that I am doing fine. Actually, I'm doing great, but I don't want to jinx it. No nausea (I guess I got out of that one!), nothing really bothering me. Just feeling good and hoping it stays the same. My boobs are not hurting anymore, they're just huge and my belly is getting a little rounder. For someone who doesn't know I'm pregnant, it might just look like I gained some weight. But some of my pants and skirts don't button up anymore. I still have some fears, normal ones I think. I'm having another u/s tomorrow, that might calm me a bit. I can't wait to see Pépin again. I can't wait to see how it has grown, how different it looks from the last time we saw it 3 weeks ago. But I am also very afraid we find something wrong. I am trying not to think negative stuff, but I can't help it. I have been feeling some pulling for the last two days. That must be a good sign, right? And since this afternoon, a spot on my lower belly is very sensitive to the touch. I will talk to my dr about that tomorrow, but for now, it worries me. I can't wait to heart that little heartbeat again and maybe, just maybe, enjoy this pregnancy just a little bit more. Mond you, I am trully, deeply happy, but I still can"t shake the feeling something mught go wrong and I am getting sick of it. Enough of the negativity already!
I will have another appointment next week, no u/s that time, but results. If everything is fine by then, if Pépin is growing well and strong, we will be ready to tell the entire world. We will be ready to scream it from rooftops and enjoy the happiness we have been suppressing for too long.
