THE question
I went to a party for a friend's birthday this weekend. Not a lot of people know we are TTC, and there were none there. Because of our age, the fact we've been together for 9 years, the fact we have bought a house, people always ask us THE question that makes us uneasy, the question that makes us want to scream and run: so, when are you gonna have kids??
The worse thing is not the question itself. It's its effect on me. Even if I've had several years of practice, it always takes me by surprise and I can't find a good answer to close the discussion. I always blush, look at the floor and mutter something stupid like "when nature will decide" or "when the time will come" before changing the subject.
I would really like to have a good answer to that question. Anybody out there got any suggestion? All ideas are welcome!
What's next?
The IUI yesterday went well. The dr once again told Mr P. his sample was excellent. I had less cramping than last time.
But my temps did not go up this morning. The first 3 cycles I did with injectibles, my temp never came up after ovulation. My RE assured me I had O'd, the u/s and hCG shot can't lie. But I am so afraid it means my ovulation was no good. It would mean this cycle is a bust already and the money we spent on the IUI is a total waste. I know it's pretty early on to get discouraged. I should wait for tomorrow's temp before giving up. If it does not jump, these next 2 weeks are gonna be very long.
There can be only one
Went for my folly scan this morning. There was one big folicle, at 22, which is a record for me. The dr said I was a woman of one man and of one folicle. Funny. I was a little disappointed there was only one, but at the same time I was happy there was actually one. At least I won't have to do injectibles for 8 days like last time.
So, I take the hCG trigger tonight. I will ovulate on Thursday morning, right on time for the IUI. Let's hope this is the last cycle TTC.
Patience
The Clomid's done. The injections are done. Now I just have to wait until tomorrow morning for my u/s. Not that I can't wait for the Magic wand and rubber glove session, but I am anxious to know if this cycle is going somewhere. I am so afraid it turns out like last month, with not even one mature folicle. I know there would still be something we could do, but it would also mean my ovaries are getting harder and harder to wake up. I don't want to be pessimistic, it's not in my nature. But the numerous failures have shaken my positive personnality and now I just can't seem to believe it will ever happen to me. I guess we have to wait and see, as always.
What I need
In the mail this morning, I got a letter from our Insurance company telling me one of the meds from last cycle (of course, the most expensive one!) was not covered. It is completely ridiculous since they have paid for that same med several times in the past. The only difference this time is that I got it in the multiple-doses format, opposed to the single-dose format in the past. Anyway, that's plain stupid. It's the same med!!! I argued with the lady on the phone for half an hour and she finally told me I was right (thank you!) but she did not have the power to decide so she would send my papers to an "higher power". Oh great, that helps pay the bills, thanks. I was thinking it is a good thing for her the Clomid has not kicked in yet, because her ear would hurt a lot more if it did! Well, that's just the kind of thing I needed today. Because the physical and emotionnal burdain is just not enough. I always need more!
Lab Rat
I managed to get a quick appointment with my RE this morning to discuss what we would do this cycle. Felt really weird not having to take off my pants. Can't remember the last time I went to see him just to talk. I thought we would only increase the injections. But he had other plans. This cycle, I will not take Femara as I usually do. Instead, I'll be taking 200 mg of Clomid from CD3 to CD7. And then I'll be taking 140 iu of FSH from CD7 to CD9. Wow, I just can't wait for those hot flashes! And I will go back for a u/s on CD10, that's next Tuesday. Hopelfully this new recipe will do the trick and produce at least one big folicle.
I really feel like a lab rat. My RE is always trying new recipes on me. I always said I would do anything I could to become a mom. But these days I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. All I really want is to have a treatment that works and one that we stick to, cycle after cycle, knowing it's gonna make me ovulate and all we have to do is catch that egg. But no! Every cycle I'm not even sure I'm going to ovulate at all! And we have to work ourselves up to stay positive and keep up hope, to be yet disappointed when failure strikes, again and again.
My insurance company only pays up to a certain amount. And we will soon have reached that amount. So we maybe have 2 cycles with injectibles left. After that, we either pay for it all (which we can't do for the moment) or we give up the treatments (which means giving up ovulating). I don't want to think about that, but the financial side of ifertility is very hard to deal with. I know the limits of my body, I know how far I can push myself, and that's pretty far. But I cannot bend the limits of our bank accounts. I cannot push the limit just a little further every cycle. Those limits are not flexible as my own are.
Anyway... I started the Clomid this afternoon. I know I will be very nasty and mean the next few days, or weeks... I told Mr P. to buy lots of chocolate to soothe me when I'm barking too loud. Poor him! He's gonna get so much screaming, crying, pouting, freezing in the days to come! I know I get the physical part of the process, but he has to deal with ME... I would not trade places with him, no sir!
What about St. Patrick?
Well, I knew my chart looked like hell. I know my body well enough to listen to the signs when they are loud. This morning, AF showed up full force. At 12 DPO, that really bugs me. I had so much hope when we came out of the IUI. So many dreams seemed reachable, if I could just stretch my hand a little more... I am very frustrated and sad, as CD1 always are disappointing and frustrating. I know we still had more chances to fail than to succeed, but why can't we be in the good side of statistics for once?
I'm still not sure about the next cycle... what am I saying, this cycle... I have no meds at home, no scripts, so I have to call my RE tomorrow so he can tell me what to do next. I assume we will try the same thing, maybe with higher doses of FSH at the beginning. I know we want to try IUI once more time before our money runs out. But this may be our last cycle with injectibles because our insurance only covers to a certain amount. Which we will soon reach.
Well, so much for the St. Valentine's day baby. Gotta find a new blinkie that says Hoping for a St. Patrick baby...
Complaining
I feel like complaining this morning. My chart looks like crap. What's up with that zigzag thing? I juste don't feel it this month. I know, I'm only at 10 DPO. My feelings will change 200 times before the cycle is over. But as of today, I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. I'm sure this cycle is a bust. But hey... in 4 days, a lot can change. A lot of symptoms can appear (or not), cramps can arrive to announce AF (or not)... I won't be testing today that's for sure. Taking it one day at a time, but not expecting much from this cycle anymore. Oh well...
Seperate lives
I thought keeping 2 blogs would be easy. Write in the French one and translate for the English one. Well... I don't feel like translating. It takes away all the spontaneity. So I guess I'll simply be using different parts of my brain for both the blogs.
Here's a little funny story for you. Well, not funny ah-ah. But then again, sometimes it's better to laugh than cry.
As I saud before, I had a m/c in December. My EDD was August 8th. At the beginning of this cycle, which is the first TTC cycle since the m/c, I went for my first folly scan in a while. I was really anxious and hoping there would be more than one folicle. I was told to wait for the RE in the nurse room where they weight and take the blood pressure of the patients. As I was quietly sitting there, trying to relax and breathe through the nose, a girl walks in and sits on the chair next to me. She did not look pregnant, but the hand constantly on her belly made me guess pretty quickly that she was. She was about the same age I am. The nurse asked her a couple of questions. Then said "Well, your EDD is August 11. You are now at X weeks. Blah blah blah" And kept going about all the appointments she's gonna have, what will be happening next and oh there you are, take some samples and brochures about the joy of becoming a mom. The girl, glowing with happiness, was talking about how great her pregnancy was going, how she felt good, how she was happy about this first pregnancy. And I was still siting there, trying to hold back the tears and not run away. All I could hear in my head was: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Is this some sort of sick joke? Hey You up there, what's that all about huh?
I was about to shoke on my rage and sadness when the RE asked me to come in.End of story.
Told you it was not funny ah-ah. But after a couple of days, I started to laugh at it. I thought it was so ridiculous, I felt like I was in a bad comedy movie or something. I have cried enough already about all this struggle. So now I try to laugh as much as I can. Even if to others there's nothing funny.
Catching up
I still have a lot of catching up to do since my last post. I wanted to translate my French blog as I go, but it would be too long. So here's Part II of our little story...
January 16, I am finally back in the TTC game! I call my RE and they tell me to stick with the last recipe we talked about. That means I start taking 5 mg of Femara daily, from CD3 to CD7, then 140 iu (cranked up a notch) of FSH injections from CD7 to CD9 and go for the u/s on CD10. I was so excited to go (even if a folly-scan is not the funnest test to go to) because my RE had told it was possible I would have more than one folicle because of the higher dose. I was hoping for at least 2 eggies. On Jan. 25, I go for my u/s and once again, a slap in the face. No folicle is mature. Not even one! My RE tells me to take 150 iu of Gonal-f (FSH) from CD10 to CD13 and come back on CD14 for another u/s. I was very discouraged, thinking the injectibles didn't even work on me anymore! I cried a lot, thinking about how I wasted so much time already and how I did the HSG for nothing. I had always counted on the fact that it's supposed to make you more fertile for a couple of months after. Well, it has been almost 3 months already! Anyway... I came back to earth quickly, not being one to give in to despair and whining. I had hope the few additionnal injections would do the trick. So I went back for an u/s on Jan. 29 with Mr P. We were both full of hopes and dreams when we walked in the u/s room. And there they were! So big on the screen, so promising! I had 3 big follies (17, 16 and 15) and 2 smaller ones (13). My RE was very happy of the results. He told me to take one last big shot of FSH just to give them a last boost. I gave myself 225 iu of Gonal-f that day and the hCG shot the next day, at midnight.
I still could not belive I had 3 eggies! This never happened to me before! We decided to try doing a IUI this cycle, since we had 3 eggs. Mr P. has no problem with his little guys, but the dr told us it would still give us better chances. So we went in for the IUI on the morning of February 1st. They told us the sample was excellent (Mr P. was very proud to hear that!) and asked me to lay on the table. The IUI itself did not really hurt. I just had some bad cramping after, and for the rest of the day. Never mind, it's all worth it, if it makes my dream come true!
So that kinda brings us up to date. I am still in the 2 weeks wait... Today is 8 DPO. My breasts were hurting like hell last week, but it was because of the hCG shot. Now everything is back to normal... and it's pretty quiet... No symptoms, no sign on my chart... Just the old boring 2ww... I don't think I'm going to test before AF is due (on the 15th) because I am too afraid of seeing another BFN. That blank rond shape on the test is just too much to take after 2 weeks of anticipation and hope. I live for the feeling I got when that second pink line appeared. I just want to live that moment again so much, it's like an addiction! I often said, after my m/c, that I sometimes wished I never knew at all. I wished I simply thought I was late and would have taken my m/c for very heavy AF, nothing more. I would have never known the pain of having your most precious dream come true and just be taken away from you. But then again, I would have never known the joy of knowing I was pregnant. I would have never known the look on my love's face when he realised he was going to be a dad. As of today, I am still not sure the short days of pure bliss compensate for the horror that followed. But I'm not ready to forget. I don't want that beautiful memory taken away from me. At least, not yet.
