Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Monday, April 17, 2006

One year ago

One year ago I started my last cycle, the one that would give us Félix. One year ago, I was very depressed, I had no hope and no strength left. I had a real hard time picking myself up after each failed cycle. I was still trying, because I wanted to be doing 'something' until I would have my laparoscopy and ovarian drilling. That's what kept me going. There was still something we hadn't tried.

One year ago, I took my last pills of Femara, I did my last bbt chart, I peed on my last ovulation tests. I would be going through my last two week wait.

One year ago, my life was about to change forever, and I didn't know it yet. I was about to decide to stay positive no matter what. I was about to feel very light and liberated, and I would soon learn why.

One year ago, our lives took a different road. One we didn't know was in our future. The road to parenthood and to happiness as a family.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


Between when I stopped the pill and Félix...

41 months
70 Provera pills
45 Serophen pills
1800 Metformin pills
100 Femara pills
2615 iu of gonadotropin in
28 injections
6 injections of hcg
11 different recipes
10 ovulations
31 negatives
9 ovulation ultrasounds
2 artificial inseminations
1 hysterosonogram
2 pregnancies
1 miscarriage
1 most wonderful baby
0 regret

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I feel stupid

Two weeks ago, I had some bleeding. I thought my period was back, and that almost made me happy. Because before having Félix, I never had a period on my own. I needed pills and injections to ovulate, and when those didn't work, I needed pills to induce my period. Something I was used to. So, the bleeding was sort of a surprise to me. I am still breastfeeding, although I know it's not always a full proof contraception method.... Contraception, why would I need that anyway? It took us 3 years doing everything we could to GET pregnant, I don't think there could be any use for contraception for us... So anyway, there was blood. And I thought for a split second "well how about that! Maybe my body finally got what it was supposed to do and did it on its own!" How naive of me.

The bleeding was a one shot thing. It was gone as fast as it had appeared. Then, two days later, I started having some weird cramps, somewhere aroud my right ovary. I first thought nothing of it, but on the second day of cramps, I noticed some egg-white cervical mucus... What the hell? Am I ovulating? *insert uncontrolable laugh here* No really, am I?? P thought we should not let the occasion slip, so we did what we had to, just in case. On the back of my mind, I thought that was just too crazy. It was impossible I was ovulating on my own, with no pills at all, and breastfeeding on top of that.

And then it happened. My mind got stupid and my imagination took over. I had nausea. I felt some cramps. I was very tired. I had lots of heartburn. And I found myself in the whirlwind of a two weeks wait before I knew it. P was telling me I was pregnant. I was telling him to stop messing with my mind. I knew I wasn't, I knew I did not ovulate, but still, there was this tiny teensy bit of hope creeping in. So I waited.

On Friday, there was blood again. Just pink, but enough to make me think I had indeed ovulated, and now my period was here. Oh well. I was wrong. Once again, the bleeding stopped. So yesterday, I did the most stupid thing. I peed on a stick. Of course it was stark white, why would it be otherwise?

I feel so stupid. We're not even trying (although we wouldn't mind becoming urban legends and getting pregnant right away!). Why did I believe, even for a second, that this could happen? The fatigue, the nausea, the heartburn, they're all symptoms of having a two month old baby: lack of sleep!

When I saw my dr after giving birth, I asked him when would we be able to start trying again. Yes, I'm already thinking about that. In fact, I was thinking about it while still pregnant with Félix. Because the thought of spending another 3 years trying was just too much for me. I had to know what we would do. And since Health Canada has published a warning against Femara used for fertility treatments, we're sort of back to square one. And anyway, I cannot start taking any fertility drugs while breastfeedind and I intend to breasfeed as long as I can.

Don't get me wrong, I am not being greedy. I know I am very fortunate to have Félix. We are very happy, just the 3 of us. I am aware of how lucky we are to have him in our lives. I love him with all my heart and I do feel complete now that I have a family. But my family doesn't seem complete to me. I know I still have so many years ahead of me to have a second child. But the idea of doing this all over again is somewhat frustrating. Even if, in the end, it was all worth it. I am so very jealous of the fertile women who can say "when I'm pregnant with my next kid..." and mean it.

The ony thing fertiles can envy me, is that I don't need contraception to avoid pregnancy. Whopee.