Eggs, shots and rock n roll

Monday, August 29, 2005


We arrived in advance at the hospital, too excited to see our baby again. I put on the superb blue dress and sat, legs crossed. I was starting to feel the 3 big glasses of water, but nothing as painful as everybody had told me. After a couple of minutes, they called my name. The technician put that cold gelly on my belly and then we see it: there's our baby on the small screen! It might not be a big deal, but to me it is: this was the first u/s I had ON my belly. No taking off my pants, no stirrups.

We see our baby very clearly on the screen, but the tech doesn't say a word. She has so many things to measure, she says she will explain it all after she's done. So we look at the screen, not always sure of what we're looking at. Sometimes I recognize a face, or an arm, but sometimes I have no clue what the heck she is measuring. After a good 10 minutes, she finally explains it all to us. We see it all so clearly: The head, the little nose, the mouth, the ears... The arms, the hands, the fingers... Pépin moves its hands a lot, scratches its nose... It's so adorable! She shows us the beating heart, all the organs, the ribs, the spine, legs, feet, toes... Everything is there and everything is perfect!

She then asks us if we want to know the gender. Of course! But Pépin is a little shy and shakes its butt at us (my heart is about to explode!) and won't open its legs. The tech asks me to make my belly as big as I can. I do it a couple of times before we can finally see a little more. And by little, I mean the little thing that proved we were having a boy! He spread his legs, showed us what we wanted to see and we just looked at each other, so happy, laughing and crying. We're having a boy! A cute little boy!

The tech went to get the dr. I heard her tell him everything was perfect, except the fact I was measuring "only 18 weeks." I WAS 18 weeks that day, but they keep telling me I'm supposed to be a week more beacause of my last period date. I told them a dozen times I had a long cycle, but they won't listen. My dr knows, it was showed also by my two other u/s. But since this u/s was done at the hospital, they don't care. Anyway, I know I have nothing to worry about.

So the dr came in and put the probe (is that what it's called in English?) on my belly. We then only saw the placenta, like a grey mountain on the screen. And behind the mountain appeared a little hand, waving at us. I sware he's too cute! We see Pépin very clearly again and the dr tells us everything is perfect and to have a nice pregnancy.

P cleans my belly and I run to the bathroom. I am strong, but oh man did that feel good! And then we leave, our hearts so light and new pictures of our little boy in our hands. Here he is, the little man who stole my heart! Here's my Little Prince I so longed for.

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And in only a couple of days, we took some more steps we didn't allow ourselves to take before. I finally went shoping and bought myself some maternity clothes. It was about time! I still don't have a big belly, but I was starting to feel unconfrotable in my regular clothes.

Then on Saturday, I started feeling Pépin very clearly. I think we were not pushing on the right spot on my belly. After the u/s, the tech showed me exactly wher he is in my belly. And I felt him move while I was sitting, without P's help. I feel him often and easily now! I am so thrilled to feel these little bubles bellow my belly button! And I can't wait for P to feel his boy move too, with his hand.

And yesterday, I bought some baby clothes. I had to get that out of my system! I can't keep myself from looking at them and daydreaming about the day I will be dressing my little boy in them.

It is so unbelievable, it's starting to sink in: I'm gonna be a mom. I still need to pinch myself from time to time to make sure I'm not dreaming. The baby's moving, he's there, he even has an identity now: he's our son. It is so much more real now that I can think of him as my little boy instead of my little kiwi seed. He's a small person, a little man. It's wonderful and huge. I look at his picture and my eyes get misty. We're having a baby. Us! After all this time, it is true, it's real, he's really there, growing, inside of me.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Boy or girl?

People ask me if I'd rather have one or the other. I answer, honestly, no. I want a boy and a girl, equaly. People ask me if I have a gut feeling. I used to say no, because I didn't. But now I'm not so sure. I've just realised that from the beginning of this pregnancy, without it being crystal clear, I've always seen Pépin as a boy. For the last few days, I've been thinking about it a lot and I always picture my child as a little boy. P is convinced since the beginning he's having a son. Not because he wants a boy more than a girl, just because he sees it that way too.

I'm very anxious to know. I liked talking about Pépin in a vague way. But I think knowing a little bit more about its identity will make its existence more real. It won't be a fetus anymore (of course it's already more than that to us), but a little person. Pépin will no longer be a kiwi seed, but a son or a daughter. Knowing the gender will change the way I see Pépin.

Of course, most of all, I want a healthy baby, no doubt about it. I don't want to be too convinced about the gender before doing the u/s. I don't think I'll be able to say "I knew it". I know that no matter what Pépin's gender is, I'm gonna be extatic. But I also know that no matter what the gender is, I'm gonna be a little disappointed too. Not a lot, and certainly not for long. Only long enough to say goodbye to what I won't have this time and fully embrace what we will have.

Little fact... Eleven years ago to the day, P and I met. On August 26, 1994, I started college. He was in my English class, first class of the first day of the first year of college. We did not become friends right away, but our paths had already met. Who would have thought that we would be here, eleven years later, looking at our baby on a black and white screen?

Thursday, August 25, 2005


I have the feeling I've been waiting a lot these last few years. Sometimes with impatience, other times with peace. I waited for my boyfriend to agree to try to have a baby. I waited for my period. Then I waited for the test results, the diagnosis and the solution. I waited, every cycle, for ovulation (or not) and for my period (or let's hope not). I waited for a little baby to make a home of my womb. I often waited long minutes that seemed like hours, while hoping real hard, for a pregnancy test to dry on the bathroom counter and give me the verdict. I waited endless hours at the ER, hoping the bleeding would stop and the baby would still be there. I waited to stop crying and stop hurting, in vain. I waited yet another endless cycle until we could start trying again. I waited a few more months before deciding to try and go for a laparoscopy and ovarian drilling. I waited for the procedure. And I waited, once more, for that second pink line to appear on the test. I had waited for that moment for so long that I couldn't believe it.

From the moment I knew my baby was there, I started waiting for other things. New things. I waited for my first appointment, for that first u/s that would tell me everything was ok and I wasn't dreaming. Then I waited for my second u/s, to see how much this little being, with whom I was already in love, had grown. I waited to get through the first trimester so I could somehow feel more secure. I sometimes feel like I am just sitting here, waiting for things to happen. I'm not complaining, I like this waiting. It's just one waiting after another. Now I'm waiting for my next u/s tomorrow so I can learn a little more about Pépin's identity. I'm waiting for that u/s to really start believing it will happen in the end. I'm waiting to feel the baby move so I can have a daily contact with it. I'm waiting for my belly to pop so I don't just look a little fat around the waist. I'm waiting to know what's hiding in my belly to start thinking seriously about the room, the baby stuff, the names. I'm waiting for the birth, with no hurry, to meet this little guy or girl who took so long to come into our lives.

I'm waiting, with patience and excitement, for everything that seemed so impossible before.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

4 months

Yesterday, I turned 4 months pregnant. Already 4 months, it's amazing! I still have to pinch myself from time to time.

My body
I can not ignore my belly anymore. I still think it's pretty small, but people are starting to notice it. I still fit in most of my clothes, but I feel the maternity clothes shoping spree is close at. I've had headaches for 4 weeks, on and off. They seem gone for now. I am no longer as tired as I was, but I still have low energy and motivation. People say I glow, but I see no difference when I look in the mirror.

My heart
It's so full of love, it's about to explode. I feel so grateful for the chance I have, for this little being growing inside of me. Not a day goes by that I don't thank mother nature to finally have given us a break. I let myself be happy and giddy, without being naive. I no longer let my fears overcome my happiness, but I'm keeping my feet on the ground. My heart is beating strong and fast when I think about what could be, in a couple of months, when I think about the baby I might be holding close to myself.

My head
My thoughts are hard to stop, they always have been. These days, I mostly think about the u/s I'll be having on Friday and the possibility of finding out the gender of Pépin. I also think about the baby's room, the things we need to buy, all the things I'm gonna have to learn quickly., breasfeeding, names, everything that's gonna change in our lives. I'm not stressed or panicked. I'm just letting myself think about stuff I never allowed myself to think about before. I am opening doors slowly, looking a little further.

My kiwi seed
I felt it move a few times, always while lying on my back, while P is pressing on my belly. I can't wait to feel it by myself. I mostly can't wait to see him/her again, see how much it has grown since my last u/s 6 weeks ago. And maybe learn a little bit more about him/her. It's measuring 18 cm from head to toe, each foot measuring 2,5 cm and the head is 4 cm around. So small, but already so big!

My boyfriend
He massages and puts cream on my belly every night. He reads about all sorts of stuff, is interested in everything regarding the baby and baby stuff. I have a feeling he's asking himself the same questions I am asking myself (will I be able to take car of a baby? How will I know what to do?) but I am convinced he's gonna be a terrific dad, very patient, fun, caring and proud. I think he believes his daddy role starts at the birth, but I think it has already begun. And he's very good at it.

Our world
Everybody now knows. The grand-parents are all very excited, they almost have more fun telling people than we have. People are very nice to us, in general. Many of my friends give me good advices, without me feeling like a ignorant dummy. Even if I'm a solitary person, I know being around such great people will bring me a lot and I am very grateful in advance.

The weekend

The weekend party went pretty well. I might even say I was pleasantly surprised. It rained all weekend, but it wasn't that bad. I heard some dumb comments and some assvice begining with "oh, you'll see..." but nothing really annoying. Not that many people tried to rub my belly, thank goodness. But everybody looked at my belly before looking at my face to say hi. I did not sleep in a tent, being pregnant has advantages! Corn was good. And, most of all, I did not sing at the karaoke. I didn't even need to hide in the woods. They just did not feel like forcing people into singing this year.

A few things annoyed me though. Especially the questions beginning with "Did you think about...?" like "Did you think about the fact that next year, you'll come here with a baby?" or "Did you think about the huge belly you're gonna have on Christmas?" I wonder if they seriously think I haven't thought about this stuff. I know they mean no harm, I think the question is more for themselves than for me. As if they just got some stuff and wondered out loud if I had thought about that too.

Yes I have. That and many, many other things.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Lots of fun ahead

This weekend is the big annual pic-nic/party of my MIL's family. A big 2 days with the in-laws. I even have the honor of a bonus night with P's parents because he told them we would get there tonight to help them out. Everybody is gonna be there tomorrow. That means a lot of people, since my MIL has a big family. A big party of cousins, aunts, uncles, sisters, where everybody sleeps over in tents or campers and everybody sings at night around a campfire. Sounds fun, doesn't it?

Well, no. Last year, they decided the campfire was a thing of the past. They introduced modern technology to this gathering. Entered the karaoke. Oh joy. Last year, I was lucky enough to suffer from a bad laryngitis (I swear I did not do it on purpose!) that weekend, so that saved me from the humiliation fun of singing a bad song out of tune in front of all those people. But this year, I won't get off that easy.

To make things worse, it's gonna be raining from tonight until Sunday morning. Really, the ideal weather for an outdoor gathering! Even if we put up a big plastic shelter and people all bring umbrellas and raincoats, it takes away a lot of spontaneity and freedom from this lovely party. We have no choice but to stay under the big tent, so very close to the karaoke machine. Not easy to go hide in the woods until everybody is asleep. We're gonna sing tonight, there's no coming out of that one.

I'm really annoyed by this whole weekend. It is no secret I don't like my in-laws. P's parents have always gotten on my nerves, but I can manage to survive a weekend with them. But the rest of the big family, the uncles, aunts and cousins, I can't stand. I've tried, but hey, I can't help it. I will try to have fun no matter what. Ok, maybe not by singing, but maybe be listening to other people screamingsinging their bad choice of music. I have to stop thinking about the fact I'm gonna have to get up in the middle of the night, get out of the tent into the cold rain in my pajamas and wet my socks while trying to put on my shoes without waking P up, to go pee. I have to stop thinking about the stupid comments I'm gonna hear, the hands trying to touch my belly and the assvices everybody feels they need to give us. I've gotta stop thinking about the karaoke. I tried finding one positive point in this whole weekend. The only one I found: I'm gonna eat some good fresh corn. Not very strong for a strong point, huh?

Corn.. Corn... Think about corn... It better bo some damn good corn!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

3rd appointment

This morning, I had my third follow-up appointment. I was really anxious. I think it's too long, 4 weeks between appointments! 4 weeks without hearing the baby's heart, it's like an eternity. Well, nothing is ever gonna be as long as a 2 weeks wait, but you know what I mean! I still can't really feel it move, except for a few times when I'm lying down and pressing on my belly, but not every time. So, I needed reassurance that Pépin was still there, doing well.

The nurse that called my name was one I used to see often when I went there for fertility treatments. Not the one from hell, no! Another one, who always remembered my name and knew why I was there. She showed me how to shoot myself in the belly, she gave me a couple shots from time to time, she was a big support. When she saw me come in today, she recognised me and looked at my records twice, as if to make sure it was really me. "Wow! I didn't know you were pregnant! Oh wow! Congratulations! So it worked!" I was very touched by her enthousiasm and because she remembered our struggle.

My blood pressure is fine. Urine test is ok. All my blood work came back ok. I haven't gained weight. In fact, I lost some, again. The dr did not looked worried, but a little concerned. I know it's normal to lose some weight at the beginning of a pregnancy, but being at 17 weeks, I should be gaining some, not losing. I eat well, I haven't had any nausea at all, I even eat more than before. So, nothing to worry about just yet, but something to keep an eye on. I'm pretty sure that when I'll start gaining weight, I'll never stop! He said my belly is growing well (16 cm). And we heard the little heartbeat, so strong and fast. I never get tired of earing that!

I asked him about my headaches (I've been having headaches for 3 weeks). It's not all the time, sometimes it's very strong, others not. Sometimes it's in the morning, other times at night. He looked at my homones levels and said they were all ok, so it did not come from there. I know I can take Tylenol, but I don't like taking too much pills (this coming from someone who took so many pills and injections just to get where she is). He told me to take as much Tylenol as I needed to break that headache cycle.

So, all is well! Next follow-up in 4 weeks. We're seeing Pépin next week, at our big u/s, hoping to find out a little bit more about this small person's identity... Until then, I'm gonna eat!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Mini Poll

In 10 days, I have my big u/s. We're hoping to find out the gender of Pépin. So I placed a little poll to the right. Is Pépin a boy or a girl? Or maybe a talking and walking kiwi that could make us rich? Go ahead and vote! Place your bets!

Monday, August 15, 2005

A beautiful wedding

Saturday morning, after getting my hair done and getting all dressed up, P and I went to my brother's appartment to meet with my family before the ceremony. All my family was there: my dad and his girlfriend, my mom and her boyfriend and my two brothers. Everybody was looking so good, men in tux and women in beautiful dresses. Everybody was smiling, had nice hair and sparkles in their eyes. I had never seen my brothers so handsome! And seeing my parents together after so many years, laughing and talking, it felt good. They did not end their marriage badly, but they did not really spoke to each other once the divorce was finalised. So, it was cool to see I still could have a family, when it was important.

People already complimented me on my dress and my hair and the small small belly that was starting to show. I loved my belly that morning! It had grown, as if Pépin wanted to be a part of that day too.

We left around 1:15 for the church. People were arriving. Of all the weddings I have been to, this was the first one where I knew most of the people, where our family had the front seat. My father and my mother came up the aisle with my big brother. I was already crying. The church bells rang and the maid of honor and bridesmaids entered, followed by the bride, with her parents (divorced too). What a nice occasion to reunite, even for a short instant, broken families. My SIL was absolutely beautiful, I had tears in my eyes. The ceremony was very nice. The bride and groom were looking at each other with so much love, it was magical.

It was very hot in the church. I was sitting with my grandma, who spoke the whole time. My being polite kept me from telling her to shut up, but I really, really would have liked her to. She even told me "I see you're getting fat!" I answered "No grandma, I'm not getting fat. It's not fat." "Oh well, getting fat or gaining weight, it's the same thing." "No it's not, grandma. I'm not getting fat, it's my baby that's growing." Wow, such nice things to hear!

After the ceremony and the usual pictures in front of the church, we went to a beautiful park to take lots of pictures. After our part was done (which was real quick, since I wasn't a bridesmaid) we left and went to the reception hall.

In the hall, where we were taking a drink (of juice, of course!), awaiting the arrival of the newlyweds, I had the pleasure to hear many comments. Some were nice, like "you're beautiful!" and "your belly really suits you well!" and "you've got such a cute little belly!" But some were not that nice, like "well... it already shows *that* much?" or "only 4 months? Boy, you're gonna be BIG at the end!" Many hands tried to rub my belly, but I managed to push them away politely. I heard a lot of "Good luck!" and unsollicited birth stories. But I was pleasantly surprised to see that most of the people respected my limits and were nice to me. Many aked me all sorts of things, like if I had morning sickness, or if we knew the gender, or if we had names picked out... For the most part, it was nice. But I got kinda tired of talking only about that. I am trully happy to be pregnant and to share that with those I love. But I was someone before I was a pregnant lady. I am more than a pregnant lady still. Anywho...

The whole day was wonderful, fun and beautiful. The food was excellent, although there was just too much of it. Let me sum it up... I have to say it was a Greek reception. So before the supper, there were the drinks (open bar all night, for everybody) with some appetizers. There was also a smoked-meat bar. Then, when we were seated, we had one entrée of spanakopita, taramosalata, feta cheese and artichokes. Then, another entrée of pasta with tomato sauce (that would have been my supper right there). After that, a salad with feta cheese and olives. The main course was veal with potatoes and vegetables, and on top of that there was a seafood platter on every table. Then came the dessert, a pancake stuffed with ice-cream. At the end of the night, they cut the wedding cake and there was a table (and when I say table, I mean 4 whole tables) of desserts, fruits an cheese. Holly molly! We were all about to explode!

Many moments were very touching and made me cry. My big brother holding my little brother tight in his arms. My big brother dancing with my mom. My little bro giving a very touching and sincere speech. The newlyweds dancing their first dance together. My grand-parents dancing cha-cha. Everybody so pretty and smiling and having fun. P was so handsome with his suit. I absolutely adore him (and can't resist him!) when he dresses up.

We left around 1:30 am, and we were not last. We danced to American, Greek and Italian music. We heard speeches in French, English and Greek. We had a glimpse of what a Greek wedding is. I saw all my family together, which only happens at funerals or weddings. I saw my dad and two brothers in tuxedos. There was a camera on every table. At every seat, there was a champagne flute with a strawberry at the bottom, for the first toast. We received, as a thank you gift, a nice olive bowl. My mom had painted a gorgeous wooden box for the cards the couple received. My SIL also turned 30 yesterday, so they celebrated that too. She received ballons and roses and a huge cake (yes, another dessert!). I did not catch the bouquet, P did not catch the gurter. YMCA did not play (thank God!). I took off my sandals and danced like a fool with my cousin, that was so much fun. All in all, a very memorable day.

Yesteray, P and I almost did not eat. We were still so stuffed from the night before! And this morning, my big brother and his wife (feels weird calling her that!) came here to give me a piece of the wedding cake and one of the birthday cake. They looked relaxed and happy. Their honeymoon trip is next week, to Mexico. So this week, they relax and enjoy their new life as husband and wife.

P was afraid this day would make me want to get married. No, it did not. I enjoyed the whole day, I keep very good memories of it. But I was glad I wasn't the center of attention. I still don't want to get married. I'd still rather live that through other people.

If you want to see pictures, send me an email and I'll gladly show them to you. I don't want to put the album here, for obvious reasons.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Excitement and disappointment

Well, I think my danse to the sun has worked. No more rain for tomorrow, at least that's what they keep repeating on the weather chanel. Whew!

It's not even my wedding and I'm so excited. I got lots of stuff to do and think about and I'm not even a bridesmaid! In fact, I play no role at all in my brother's wedding. My SIL's sister is her maid of honor and her 2 best friends are her bridesmaids. My little brother is the best man with 2 of my big brother's best friends. So, P and I will only be sitting there, watching the whole thing. I don't really mind, I told my brother not to feel bad if he had nothing for me to do. P has to collect the money in church, so he has something to do.

What is disappointing me, and maybe I'm being childish, I don't know, is that I have no place at all in the wedding. I mean, I should be the groom sister, that's what I am, right? Well, it means squat to everybody, or so it seems. I don't want the spotlight, I don't want to sit on a throne. I am aware this is their day, not mine. But I would have liked a little consideration, or maybe a little part is this big day. It would have been an honor for me to have something to do, to help them in any way. But no. I'm not a sister, I'm just a guest. I'm sitting at a random table with 2 cousins and one of my mom's friend, her husbad and their son. Wth? I might as well have sitted in the corner with the people nobody knows. I know, I'm a big baby, but I would have liked to sit at a "close family" table, you know? As it is, I feel more like a cousin to my brother than a sister. And we see our cousins once a year. I'm disappointed he did not want to share this with me. Even if we are not that close, we're still brother and sister and I still love them. But hey, it's not my day to be disappointed or sad. It's their day to shine, their day to be happy. I'm a big girl, I'll get over it. At least I'm invited, right?

So, I'm excited too! I can't even imagine what my SIL is going through right now! My dress is ready. I still need to do my nails, shave my legs and go to the haidresser tomorrow morning. And most of all, I need to practice walking with those high heels I bought. I looked everywhere for sandals to go with my nice dress and foud only those, with 3,5 inches heels. I look like a complete idiot with heels. I don't know how to walk with these and haven't found the "High heels for dummies" book yet. I tried cleaning the house in them, doing the laundry and cooking, just to get used to it. I walk endlessly in the house. Nothing works, I still look like a robot. Oh well... lucky me I don't have to walk down the aisle!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Rainy wedding

This Saturday, my big brother is getting married. It's gonna be the first wedding in the family, and probably the last one. I know how important this day is to my brother and his fiancee. I don't know the danse to call the sun, but if someone shows it to me, I'm gonna do it non-stop so that the sky is clear for their big day. I've been to many weddings. Some were a little bit cold, or windy, but I've never been to a rainy wedding and I sure don't want this one to be the first.

Yes, you read right, this will be the first wedding, meaning P and I are not married. I have to say, in Quebec, weddings are a lot less popular and common than in the rest of Canada and in the USA. P and I have no intention of getting married one day. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against marriage. It's just not us. We don't like big family gatherings. We can't find ourselves in the ceremonies and traditions. I wasn't brought up in a religious family. But I love going to other people's weddings. I cry all the time. All the weddings I've been to, I thought the choice was right for them. I respect their choice. But that choice is not in our future.

For my big brother, for his fiancee and their parents (and me too!), Saturday will be a unique day, a day they'll always remember. Please help me blow on the clouds so they can have some sunshine on their big day!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Surrealist compliment

In caressing your follicles I am only vaguely reminded of the bitter harvest.

Not sure that's a compliment... but very odd that I got that one when I went here.

Monday, August 08, 2005


For months I have feared the coming of August 8. For months, I wondered what my reaction would be, what I would feel like inside. I thought I would be devastated, I thought I would live the day in regret and sorrow. This day has come and I am surprised by the peace I feel inside. My first baby, the one that did not stay very long in my belly, would have been born by today... I thought I would get to today with an empty belly and a broken heart. Instead, I find myself looking to the past with some sadness, yes, but mostly with resignation and pride. I no longer see this past as a feared enemy, but as a battle we have won. The baby now growing inside of me sure changes things. If Pépin wasn't here today, I'm sure today would be different. My little angel, my tiny piece of star that I kept in my womb for such a short time, I'll never forget you. You gave us, in a heartbeat, more joy and hope that we ever imagined possible. I have no regrets today. I won't turn my head anymore looking at what might have been, but I'll be looking straight ahead at what will be. I am letting go of the pain, my Angel, but not of the memory.

In one of the stars
I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing
And so it will be
as if all the stars
were laughing
when you look
at the sky at night.

- The Little Prince - Antoine de St-Exupéry

(A friend of mine wrote that to me the day I lost my baby. The Little Prince has always been one of my all-time favorites and that message touched me beyond words, at a time I felt so broken. Thanks again, Naomi.)

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Shooting stars

We spent the weekend in the cabin by the lake, all alone. It was so much fun and so relaxing. The weather was wonderful, sunny, warm, a little wind, no clouds... We swam in the lake, took a long walk and made a fire when the sun came down. It felt so good being all alone with P. Things are so simple with him. When the sun was completely gone from the sky, we put a blanket in the grass and lied there, gazing at the stars. The sky was so clear, the satrs so bright, we felt so very small looking up at the universe. We saw many shooting stars, but I didn't have the time to make a wish.

Yesterday night, as I've done every night before for the last 3 weeks, I tried to feel Pépin move by pressing gently on my belly. I had felt something, two weeks ago. Something that seemed different than just my digestive system working, but nothing really clear. I felt, for about 3 seconds, like tiny bubbles inside my belly, very very deep and very small and gentle. Only 3 or 4 bubbles, then nothing. And it never came back, as much as I wanted it to. So yesteray, I was still trying to feel something when P decided to try too. He placed his hand on my lower belly and pressed. I almost immediately felt something very weird and very unique. I was sure it was the baby, no doubt about it. Pépin seemed to be wiggling a lot, I felt some tiny tiny kicks or something, very small and deep, but very clear. I was absolutely sure this was not my digestive system! I couldn't believe it, but there was no way my intestine was wiggling like that. It felt almost like a little fish in a small plastic bag, like when you buy it, swiming in all directions and bumping into the plastic bag. When P took is hand away, the feeling disappeared. So I begged him "Again! Again!!" And he placed his hand back and pressed again. And I still could feel the baby move! P even felt a small movement under his hand, something really subtle. He kept his hand there for a long time, I couldn't get enough of the little fish wiggling. I cannot feel anything when I'm not lying on my back and not pressing on my belly. And it doesn't work every time, but P always has to push the same spot and the feeling are always the same. It's so unbeleivable... For years, that moment seemed like an impossible dream and now, it is so real, so strong...

I may not have had the time to wish upon a shooting star, but I have a feeling the star had the time to read what my heart was wishing for...

Friday, August 05, 2005

Where's my head?

P complained he did not have any underwear in his drawer. I told him to go look in the dryer, as I often forget the clean clothes there after it's done. After a couple of days, he still complained he had no underwear. There were none in the dryer, none in the hamper. Yesterday morning, he had the good idea to look in the washer. Yes. I forgot to take the clean (and soaking) clothes out last Sunday. Of course, it was dry by then. And very, very stinky. I am so distracted these days... don't know where my head is...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Send thoughts

We were almost due on the same day. She was a little more far along than I was, but I was following her pregnancy with great interest and hope. Please send some love to Callista, she just had some terrible news.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

3 years

3 years ago, I did not start a new pill box. 3 years ago, we were beginning the TTC adventure, without expecting it to be so tough. I was 25, P was 27, we were ready and invincible.

In August 2002, we had finally decided to start trying and let nature do her thing. I knew I had some fertility issues, I've always had them. But I never could have imagined the road we would have to travel.

In August 2002, I already could imagine our child being born, growing and living in our appartment. I could already see our future so clear and bright. I was full of trust and hope. In August 2002, I was naive.

The first few months were disappointing. I didn't expect to conceive in the first month, but sort of hoped I would. If I got pregnant on the first try, our child would be over 2 years old by now. Our lives would be completely different. I wouldn't have tried all those treatments and pills and shots. I wouldn't have gone through the pain and despair month after month, year after year, picking myself up every time and keeping hope, over and over. It would have been simple, as it is for so many people.

People tell us it has all been worth it since I am now pregnant. Yes, our efforts now have a point. But worth it? I don't know if I can put a value in suffering and longing on a child. It was worth the wait, ok, but telling me it was worth all the pain is like telling me I had to go through all that to have the right to be where I am right now. I had to live the pain, the heartache and the despair, to lose my firts baby, to get to where I am. As if it was the price I had to pay for something so many people have for free, without even thinking about it. I am convinced my baby is worth everything under the sun, no doubt about it. But I would love it just as much if I got pregnant on the firts try. To say "oh this child is gonna be so loved because it has been desired and longed for, for such a long time..." would mean people who have babies easily don't love their children as much as infertile people do. I don't think so, as much as I hate fertiles. Nobody will know, by looking at our child, that he/she was so longed for by his/her parents. Nobody will see the difference because, in the long run, there is none.

Well, there is a difference, in me and in P. We have scars people won't see, but that are there nonetheless. The struggle has changed us forever. Beside the strenght it gave us and our couple, the things we have learned, the open-mindedness and compassion we have gained, many small things have changed inside of me. I will never be able to be spontaneously happy for a pregnancy announcment by a fertile. I will never stand a pregnant woman complaining about small things like sore breasts or fatigue. Woman, you are lucky to be there, tough it. I will never be able to jump up and down from joy if I ever see another positive hpt. I will never be at ease with people ignoring infertility. I will never stand pregnant ladies seeing life through pink tinted glasses. I will never tolerate comments like "stop thinking about it!" or "but it's so fun to practice!". I will never be the same woman that, 3 years ago, stopped taking the pill thinking she would get pregnant real soon. I will never be innocent and naive again. But I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna keep hoping. It got me here, after all? And I am trully, deeply happy and grateful to be where I am today.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Do not touch

I don't really like being touched. I never liked it. My bubble is very important to me, I don't let that many people cross my physical contact limits. Touching is for me very intimate and I keep it for special occasions and people very, very close to me.

I knew when we decided to come out about the pregnancy, it would open doors. I know people have a tendancy to touch. But the fact that there is a baby growing inside of me does not give them the right to rub my belly. Do I play with their belly-button? Why would my being pregnant rob me of my right to have my own limits? I was preparing myself to guard my belly like a castle, to push away those curious hands. But I didn't think I would have to do it so soon, I'm not even showing yet, for Pete's sake.

Yesterday, I paid a visit to my dad and his girlfriend. She had not seen me for a couple of weeks. As soon as we arrived, she did not kiss me on the cheeks as she usually does. Instead, she placed her had on my belly. Right. Is that how we greet each other from now on? We rub each other's belly? I don't think so.

I took her hand away from my belly at once and told her that when she could feel the baby moving, I would gladly let her touch it. It was very difficult to push her away, it left me with an uneasy feeling, as if she had violated my privacy. I almost felt as if she just saw me naked. She's not just some aunt I would have no problem telling Back off! to. She's someone I'm close to, someone I love and I know she meant no harm.

I'm really not ready for that king of contact. I don't understand why people think it's suddenly ok for them to touch me. When I wasn't pregnant, they did not touch my belly, they would never have dared. Why, now, do they think they can touch me witheout asking me, as if I was only a container, not a woman? The belly is still part of my body, as far as I know. The skin beneath your fingers is my skin. When you think you're touching the baby, I'm the one feeling it, not the baby. And believe me, if I cannot feel it move yet, you most certainly won't. What you are rubbing is just some belly fat and it really isn't appreciated. So back off! Leave my bubble!

Monday, August 01, 2005

A little surprise

Since P's parents did not give him a proper birthday party, I decided to invite some friends over, for a small surprise party last Friday. Many of them could not come, but 7 of them did, with pleasure. I did not have a great plan, I just thought they would drop by and act as if they were only passing in the neigborhood and droping by.

P knew his brother would be coming that night, but not that it was because I invited him to. So when the bell rang, P was not surprised and opened the door. It was not his brother, but two friends of ours. "Oh we were at the store close to here so we thought we would drop by and say hi!" P bought it and invited them in. When his brother arrived shortly after that, P still thought it was only a coincidence. But when another friend knocked on the door, I was sure he would get it. He did not! He was surprised to see his friend, but he did not get that I had invited them all and that it was no mere coincidence. I was laughing so hard when he said, meaning it: "it's so much fun! People droping by, all on the same night, when usually nobody visit us!" When I finally explained to him this was a small surprise party I had planned at the last minute, he was so happy, it brought tears to my eyes. I did it! I surprised him AND I made him happy for his birthday!

We sang Happy birthday, had some delicious cake, gave him gifts, played baby-foot and talked for hours. It was a beautiful night and P was happy and very touched. He could not believe people took time to come and celebrate him.

It felt so good to make up for the lame party his parents gave him and the small dinner at the restaurant we had the night of his birthday. And it felt even better looking at him, smiling at me when every body left, knowing this night was for him and him alone.