2005
I started this blog in January, so this year's retrospective will also be some king of blog annual report.
January
I'm still shaken by my miscarriage. We start trying again, with stronger doses of injectibles. For the first time of my life, I have more than one folicle: there are 3 mature eggs ready to be released. We try our first IUI. It doesn't work.
February
Second IUI. Doesn't work. Starting to feel I'm at the end of my rope.
March
We decide to stop doing the injectibles and IUI for a couple of months, while we wait for my laparoscopy and ovarians drilling and gather some money. I ask my RE to give me a Femara script, since I can ovulate with that (but late in the cycle). I'd rather do just that than simply sit and wait.
April
First cycle with only Femara and Metformin, no injects. I ovulate on CD20, which is a big improvement for me. It doesn't work. I have an ear infection and the dr tells me not to try to conceive that month. A pharmacist friend tells me there's nothing to worry about, so we continue trying.
May
Two days before Mother's Day, I ovulate on CD20 for the second cycle in a row. I can't believe I'm almost regular! I decide to take things lightly and have a positive outlook. I feel much better, lighter and hopeful. On May 20, I see the long awaited second line appear on my hpt. I am pregnant! P's good friend dies of liver cancer.
June
We meet our baby for the first time. We tell our families. Summer is here!
July
We go on vacations. We do the nucal fold testing and see our baby again. P turns 30. I stop taking the Metformin. First trimester is over, already! We can tell the whole world!
August
What would have been my EDD for the first pregnancy turns out less painful than I thought, because I am feeling so good now with Pépin in my belly. 3 years since I stoped taking BCP. My big brother gets married. I have headaches for weeks. We meet our baby again and learn it's a healthy little boy! I feel him move all day long and love it.
September
I begin swim class. I am swamped with work. I finally gain weight. My friend's dad dies of liver cancer.
October
Still lots of work. P remodels the basement and paints the baby's room. My back begins to hurt from time to time. I don't have gestational diabetes. Second trimester over. Pépin is moving and kicking so much!
November
We do the 3D u/s. We stard childbirth classes. I have a terrible cold that lasts for 2 weeks.
December
Work has finally slowed down a little, I can finally rest. One year since my miscarriage. I have my baby shower. I have a second cold. This one lasts 3 weeks and kicks my butt. We vist the hospital. I have a car accident. Christmas parties really tire me, but fill me with joy in knowing that next year, we will be celebrating with our son.
2004 had been a horrible year for us. It started with lots of trouble with our appartment, which we had to leave in 4 days and find another place to live before being able to move in our new house. Our cat Tao died. TTC was hard and ended with my miscarriage. P's aunt died around Christmas time. 2005 started on a grim and grey note. But it kept on going better and it finally became the best year of my life (yet). 2005 has been the year where I saw my dreams could and would come true. It's been a year where I learned we too could be happy. 2006 sounds even better. I can't wait!
Holidays
Holidays are always very busy for us. My parents are divorced, so that doubles the parties on my side. P's family and mine don't mix, so more parties again. Lots of food, lots of gifts, lots of fatigue for me this year. And that was only Christmas!
But holidays are also a very hard time for infertiles, as too many of you know. Christmas and New Year's are just two more reminders of our infertility, of what's missing: a child. We feel left out, alone and frustrated. Christmas is so much more magical with children around. You can't stop yourself from imagining what it would be like if you had your own kids with you. They'd be looking at the tree, with sparkles in their eyes. They'd be unwrapping their gifts, laughing and dancing. We feel so empty when we cannot live this dream for real. A big piece of our life is missing and we don't know how or where or even if we can find it.
New Year's is even worse. Every year, everybody wishes you the same thing. We tell ourselves this year will be the one, that this time next year, we'll be three. And when the next New Year's comes and we find ourselves at the same point, it's horribly painful. We feel like we lost one whole year for nothing. Once again, luck has deserted us.
I went through 3 of those. Three New Year's listening to baby wishes, being told "you'll see, this year you'll have your baby!", believing it a little less every year. Last year was harder than the others because I had just lost my first long desired pregnancy. I even hated the holidays. But I never, ever thought next year would be so different.
This year, everything has changed. We might not have our child with us yet, we might not really be three yet, but it's already so much different. I see this New Year's as the last one we'll spend alone, and this time, it's not only a wish, it's for real. 2006 already seems so bautiful and full of suprises and it hasn't even started yet. Our dream is so close from becoming true...
This time next year, there will be a little child with us, with sparkling eyes and a cute little laughter. Next year, P and I will really be a familly. Finally!
Merry Christmas!
I wanna wish you all a very merry Christmas filled with surprises and love. Smile, laugh, danse, kiss and let the Christmas magic blow your worries away for one night.
35 weeks, 35 days left
It seems I say that every month, but wow! Does time fly! I'm already 8 months along! Only one month to go! I am so not ready to give birth yet! Of course, I can't wait to meet my baby. But I am not tired of my big belly yet. I've had such an amazingly beautiful pregnancy, I don't want it to end!
Ok, of course there are some minor aches and pains now... Nothing really bothering me, but still, it's there. Mostly, I walk like a duck and my inner tighs hurt after walking for 15 minutes. So no more shopping spree for me! Anyway, I'm much too slow now. My belly (which feels huge and out of this world) is starting to weight a lot... or at least it feels like it. But I love it so much still! Pépin moves a little less now, he's getting so big and is running out of space. That does not keep him from kicking me in the ribs once in a while though! He has the hickups a few times a day and it still makes me laugh every time.
I'm not ready to give birth... Not because it scares me, but simply because I don't feel ready mentally. It must seem weird, since I've had so much time to prepare. But I always saw labor as a very distant thing, something that would eventually happen, sometime, at the end, not very soon... I had so many other things on my mind before thinking about labor... But then I woke up and it's the only thing left to do! Prenat clases are over, the room is almost done, clothes are washed, we visited the hospital, the shower's done... next stop: labor!
I still have (in theory) 5 weeks left with Pépin in my womb. I want to enjoy every second of it, rub my belly until it shines, talk to him and savour every moment I have in this wonderful proximity. Who knows if I'm ever going to live this again... and if I do, when... Might as well enjoy it fully while it lasts! Took me so long to get here, I'm not gonna waste one second of this blessing!
Here's a pic of my ever growing belly, for those interested. One month left, I hope I don't explode!
p.s. I put up a ticker thingy so you can follow the final countdown with me... eeesh!
Car accident
Last Tuesday, I left home by myself to go to my dr's appointment. P always takes the car to work, so I wanted to take advantage of the fact I had it for myself for one whole day. I had some errands to do, some gifts to buy for P and a job to get to the printer. I din't get to do any of those things. A few minutes after leaving home, I was embarking on the highway and I got hit from behind by a firetruck. I was in chock, shaking and crying and not knowing what to do. I was thinking of one and only thing: my baby. I felt ok, physically I mean, I wasn't hurt. I felt Pépin move, so I knew he was ok, but I needed to know for sure. They called the ambulance to take me to the hospital. The police told me the city would take care of everything since I wasn't responsible. So I left in the ambulance, a little less worried about the boring things like the towing of my car or the money it would cost us.
I had never taken the ambulance in my life. I never even went to the hospital, except for bloodwork and when I misscarried. They took my blood pressure, which was off the roof. So he put some sticky thingies on my chest and back and that finger clip thingy to take my pulse (sorry, my English is very poor when it comes to technical terms!). They even put an oxygen mask on my face to calm me and make my pressure go down. Everything felt surreal.
When we arrived at the hospital, I did not feel the baby move anymore. I shook him, poked him, nothing. I was really scared. P arrived at that moment and he seemed real scared too. They took my pressure and it was back to normal. I was having a little fever, but nothing allarming. They took me to the maternity room so they could check on my baby. As soon as the nurse put the monitoring on, we heard the baby's heartbeat strong and steady. We stayed there for a while, listening to the heartbeat and making sure I was not having any contractions or pain. After confirming everything was fine, we went back to the ER so I could get checked up. Of course, our health system being what it is, I had to wait for 5 hours before seeing a dr. So after a while, my neck started to hurt. They gave my a neck piece and put my on a bed to make me more confortable. P talked to the insurance guy, to the car dealer, even to my printer. He arranged everything, bought me a sandwich and hot coco. He's such a wonderful man. When the dr finally saw me, he checked my neck and back and everything looked fine. I was only a litlle sore, but it was only muscular, the bones were ok.
When you're waiting for 5 hours in a waiting room, your mind wonders. You start to re-live the events, try to remember exactly what happened. You wonder if you could have avoided the accident, if you had done this or that... If you had left home a minute later or sooner, if you had faced one more red light... I know I'm not responsible, the road was icy, the firetruck was going fast (with the emergency lights on)... It does no good to analyse everything... but still... what if...
After all, it was more trouble than anything else. The insurance, the work day lost, the car being at the shop for at least 2 weeks, the money we certainly did not need to waste like that... But all in all, these things don't matter, as long as the baby is doing fine. I never want to live that kind of fear again.
Surprise (finally!)
Sunday the 4th, as expected, P took me to the restaurant for my shower his aunt's birthday. When we got there, we saw his parents and aunt sitting all alone at a big table next to a big door. The door to the reception hall, of course. Trying to make the surprise last, my fil says he's got something to show us and he opens the big door. I put my surprised face on and enter...
I did not have to fake it, I really was surprised! Yes, I knew it would be my baby shower, but I never thought there would be so much people in such a big room, fully decorated with balloons and ribbons. They were all (all 50 of them!) very happy to see us. So many people, so much love in one room... that was a lot to take in!
There were friends of mine, my family, P's family, friends of the family... all there to celebrate one happy event: the birth of our little boy. So we kissed everybody, shook hands, smiled. Than my mom took me by the hand and showed me one special gift: a quilt. Not just any quilt though. We made the baby's room under the theme of the Little Prince. On the quilt were 15 squares all embroided by hands. 15 people had embroided, in their own style, a different picture from the Little Prince. Childhood friends, my aunt, my mother, my grand-mother, my cousins, some of my mom's friends, my sisters in law... 15 women had each created a unique square for my litlle boy. What an extraordinary and unique gift! What a great idea!
The whole night was fun, full of surprises. Many games were played, like the one where people had to guess the size of my belly with a string. Let's just say people saw me much bigger than I actually am! P and I had to taste some baby puree and try to guess what it was (awful!).
We were swamped with gifts, from the matress to the pjs. A friend of mine did the wrapping and she did such a wonderful job. She even made a kind of wedding cake with diapers and blankets. Really cute!
The night went by quickly. I tried to talk to everybody, but it was really hard. But seeing all those people smiling and happy for US really made me happy. I smiled the whole evening, talking and laughing and not faking any of it. Hands touched my belly and I didn't even care!
I did not cry during the shower, I was so overwhelmed by the events. Once the party was over, the gifts all placed in the car and the car door closed beside me, I let the tears fall. I cried and cried and cried, all the way home, then all the time I unwrapped all the gifts. I was crying from all the emotions, so much love, so much attention. I also wondered if I really was worth all that love. What did I do to deserve all this? I'm not always a good friend... I also cried because I regretted not giving my mom the benifice of the doubt. I was coming to the restaurant expecting the worse. I never thought she would pull off such a great party. I cried while unwrapping the gifts because I imagined my baby boy with us. This time, it felt so real, so close!
Now all we need is the baby! Everything is ready for his coming. Well, everything, except me...
Stupid cold
Yes, I'm still here. And I'm still sick. I'm so sick of being sick! My second cold in a month! I usually never get sick, but it seems this pregnancy thing is an open door for the colds... Must have kissed too many people at my shower (yes yes, story to come!)... Anyway, I've been sick for the last 9 days and there seem to be very little improvement. Throat hurting, nose blocked, even my eye joined the party and got infected. Trying to sleep as much as I can. Not getting a lot of stuff done, which is making me very nervous since the Holidays are almost here and I'm not ready... and after that... well... baby's coming! 34 weeks tomorrow, can you beleive that?? I know I can't! Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place now, I just wanted to say I was here, sick but doing ok and I'll be back shortly!
25 years
One last goodbye
One year ago, I lost my first baby. I was pregnant only for a very short time, but I never thought of it as an embryo. It was a baby from the moment I saw the second line appear on my test. Today, I say my last goodbye to this little baby. Every anniversary is now passed: 1 month, 6 months, the EDD, the positive test anniversary and today, the miscarriage anniversary. I am closing the book and looking forward. I will never forget this baby, that first taste of pure bliss. I'll never forget how genuinly happy and not affraid I felt before losing it. I'll also never forget how empty I felt after the loss, how raw and burning the pain was. I'll never forget the rage and anger bubbling in my throat. I've almost never talked about my miscarriage. It's so hard for me to explain how I felt and how I lived it. Too many women know what it's like, even if we all go through it differently. The pain is very raw and intimate, it isolates and crushes you. For me, the miscarriage changed everythnig. That's where I lost my innocence, my naivety and my freedom to be happy without being affraid. I also gained more fears and worries. I learned nothing was ever sure. I learned it could happen to me too...
It took me quite some time to get up again, shake the dust off my knees and get back on trying. I cried non-stop for weeks. My life was as empty as my belly was. I felt as if I was in a very bad nightmare and couldn't wake up. Then one day, it didn't hurt as much. And I was able to try again and move on.
Goodbye, my little stardust. Despite the hurt and emptiness you gave me, thank you for passing through our lives, even if for such a short moment. Thanks for making me know what it felt like to be trully and freely happy, for a split second. And thanks for making sure this one would stick the whole way.
Shower: to be or not to be
When I first told my mom I was pregnant, she asked me if she was supposed to throw me a baby shower. I told her she didn't have to, but yes, it was supposed to be her job.
After my 18 weeks u/s, when we knew we were expecting a boy, she asked me to give her a list of the things we needed. I had already put up a really precise list of everything we needed to buy, so I just gave her that list. She forbade me to buy anything on that list as long as she did not tell me it was ok. I still bought some stuff that I deliberately took off the list: the furniture, the stroller, anything regarding decoration of the room, some clothes... But for the last month, the urge to go shopping for my little boy is very strong. Christmas is almost here and I don't feel like going shoping in stores packed with people frustrated they waited for the last minute to do their Chrsitmas shoping. I didn't feel like shoping in December, but I guess I have no choice. After all, it's not like I'm in a hurry. I still have a month and a half before baby arrives. *sigh* I would like to be able to relax for the last weeks, not to be shoping... It's already not so much fun to shop, with my back hurting and the need to go pee every 15 minutes.
So, for the last month, I've been bugging my mom and telling my friends I wanted to shop badly and I really wanted my list back. I was beginning to wonder if she would throw me a shower after all. There are 2 weekends left before the holidays... and after that, it would be very last minute, wouldn't it? (I'm due January 27) But most of all, I was wondering how they were ever going to surprise me. Anything out of the ordinary planed for the next weekends and they'd get caught.
For months, I told myself I would not have a baby shower. I didn't mind. Oh well, of course, I did. Who doesn't love getting gifts? And dreaming of a baby for so long involved dreaming of a baby shower too. I don't expect a lot of people with tons of gifts. But I would love a small gathering of everyone I love, celebrating this happy event with us. But if I don't have a shower, I won't hold it against my mom. I don't expect that of her, of anybody. But if I don't have a shower, when the hell am I gonna get my list back?!
Last Monday, P went to one of his aunt's to repair her computer. He does that often. After fixing the PC, he called me to tell me he was on his way and then he said something really fast, as if he didn't want me to be able to say anything. We were having dinner with his aunt and parents this weekend. We hung up and that was it. I later asked him about that dinner and he said he had to talk to his mom to know the details. On Thuesday, he told me there would be lots of people since his family wouldn't be doing a big Christmas party this year (which was true). But on Wednesday morning, a light bulb went on in my head. How could I have been so naive? A dinner, with his aunt, whom we are really not that close to? That sounded really suspicious! So I confronted him that night. I asked him, out of the blue: "so, tell me more about this dinner for Carmen. When? Who?" I cought him by surprise and he saw in my eyes I wasn't fooled. So he just laughed and said "ok ok, so you know we're not celebrating her birthday..."
Poor him! He had to come up with something believable at the last minute, with elements that were by themselves very suspicious. A dinner, on a Sunday night, at a restaurant we both hate? His parents never do anything on a Sunday night, but my mom always does because of her work. It would be near our home, when all P's family lives far from here? His parents never go out for dinner, they usually invite us over. So, no matter what he would have told me, I would have discovered the truth. But I must say, I believed him for a moment.
So I know the place and time, but I have no idea who will be there and what's gonna happen. I am already so grateful to be having a shower. And it doesn't matter if it no longer is a surprise, I'm gonna be so very happy to see the people I love, together, celebrating or happiness. Finally!
